I love my dad, but today he really got on my nerves. I
made the mistake of mentioning to him that six weeks ago the doctor put me on
medication to lower my cholesterol as a preventive to future problems.
Dad freaked. He's become a food cop and wanna be dietitian giving me lots
of unsolicited advice.
Tonight I told him that my cholesterol was now 123. He started in on me
about what I should be eating and how I needed to be watching my diet.
Hello?
Did he not hear what I said. 123 vs my 240 six weeks ago.
Where's my "good job" or "keep up the good work"?
It's the story of my life with him. Nothing I've ever done has ever been
good enough...except for marrying my husband and if you read me you know how
that's working out. He even went so far to say that as long as I take
diabetes medicine I'm going to have high cholesterol.
Hello? I hate when he doesn't listen to me.
He has fought cholesterol in his life and he's had a heart attack and bypass
surgery. I know that some of what he says comes from that. For
heaven's sake though, I'm doing well. He gets bossy and thinks I should
listen to him instead of the doctor. That's not going to happen.
I hate feeling like a little girl craving her father's accolades when they
won't be forthcoming. Whether it was grades (I was an A student.), my
weight, or my social skills, I never felt good enough to please my dad. I
guess I still don't. I don't know why I even try. He can't be
pleased.
It would have been a nice surprise to hear him say he was proud of me.
My sister was there when this was taking place. She looked at me and did
a little "no" nod. She said later, she hoped I didn't
cry. She knows how my dad has a great knack for picking at the hurt
inside me. He may mean well, but it hurts just the same.
I may be childish to wish for his approval. I know that I give him too
much power over my feelings. I always have. I was never a Daddy's
Girl and I don't suppose I will ever be.
Thanks for reading. I needed to let that out.
CreativeWoman posted on Jan 30, 2009
| views: 314
Comments
-
seer said on Jan 30, 2009....
CW, my mum does the same with pretty or much any element of my life, like when I enroled to college after scraping together enough cash my course, my mum told me I should be a chef and get further training in that.But parents just want the best for their kids, and so they intervene all the time, which isn't usually neccesary.Chin up CW -
CreativeWoman said on Jan 30, 2009....
Thanks, seer. I'm 43 though. I would like just a little credit for the good things I do. I hate always falling short in his eyes. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
CW
-
seer said on Jan 30, 2009....
yeah true, but I'm 22 and still get massively patronised by my parents!
((((((((hugs)))))))))
-
Hegemone said on Jan 30, 2009....
CW, I know somewhat how you feel. My dad does the same to me ... his word is supposed to be gospel and nobody else really knows what they're talking about. The really shitty part, while your dad has the best of intentions for YOU ... my dad just wants to come off seeming all saintly (or and he has to have control of everything) and shit so he spouts off. I've gotten to the point that if there's something that's a really good thing and he starts in the direction of correcting me or telling me how I should have done something instead of how I did it, I've told him straight out "You know, it would be nice if just fuckin' once you could say 'Oh, good job, I'm proud of you.' and leave it at that you ass hole. Now you've ruined it so never mind I'm just not going to talk to you about this stuff anymore."
That bothers him to no end because that means I'm not telling him stuff and he HATES that. I'm hoping that your father is not like mine, but perhaps with some prodding might one day say 'Good job' to you without twisting it around and making it an ugly thing. No matter what age we are, our parents still have a larger impact in our lives than we think. Sometimes it just sucks because even though you're an adult, you still don't know what to do about it, they're STILL your parents and you STILL can't really talk back. Darned parents! lol
-
CreativeWoman said on Jan 30, 2009....
seer,
I guess we always will be "kids" in their eyes.
Hegemone,
My dad can be very domineering sometimes. I know he is stressed out about his house and all that, but it's not my fault. You know? I know my relationship with him is why I internalize so much to begin with. I've always felt like a failure in his eyes. There is no sense in arguing with him. When he thinks he's right, that's it. I just get quiet and feel hurt. I'm respectful to him even when he doesn't deserve it. I probably have a few pounds on my body with his name on them. I've turned to food so many times for comfort. That cycle makes me feel even more of a failure. Even last night, I had a brownie when I shouldn't have. Maybe I'll write about it more to work through it a bit.
CW
-
MissMimi said on Jan 30, 2009....
Well, CDub, to be honest, his constant picking at you says more about him than it does about you. I'm just sorry it hurts you. My husband does the same thing with our son -- he feels he's helping him, and no amount of arguing will change his mind.Your cholesterol is down over 100 points in six weeks? That is amazing! Good job! -
CreativeWoman said on Jan 30, 2009....
Mimi,
Dad always thinks he's making me "stronger". I told him once that when he hangs his MD license on the wall, I'll listen to him. (I tried to do that humorously.) I've never told him I'm on the anxiety medication. He would tell me that I'm stronger than that and that I don't need it. You know, I was always a good kid/adult. I never have thought I deserved his corrections. They just wear me down.
I was very impressed with my cholesterol, too. Thanks.
CW
-
Hegemone said on Jan 30, 2009....
Wow CW, honestly, knowing that you're older than me ... I feel like you're a future me. Damn this sounds all too familiar. I can 100% garauntee I've emotionally eaten because of getting upset by my dad. I know he's worried about this and that, and because of it I allow him to get by with his BS. I walk on egg shells for him, respect him, require my friends to be respectful while he walks all over us, has physically abused me in the past and drinks himself to death (none of which sound very deserving of respect, right?). It's so uncanny the similarities. CW, I say, definitely do write it all out ... it'll help you get it out of your system. Don't hold on to, else it will build up and rear it's head some ugly way that'll leave you feeling even more weak and upset. I only say that because it's happened to me. I have a whole new level of respect and liking for you now CW ... and I don't mean that in a 'I pity you' kind of way ... I mean that in a 'I feel connected because we have similar fathers who put us through insanely similar scenarios for similar reasons' way. -
starchini said on Jan 30, 2009....
oh cw, i feel for you...there there, itll be okay. Remember this, sometimes its easier for people to voice the critique than it is for them to give the praise. My dad is like that. He just has a hard time telling me about how awesome i am bc he thinks ill get a big head or he doesnt want to get all mushy, him being so masculine and all. Whenever he says a crappy thing, just try to remember where its coming from and what he "means" to say but doesnt...I do that and it seems to help. "You can be so retarded sometimes" really means "Your brilliant and when you do dumb things im disapointed because i know what you are capable of"...It took me a while to figure it out. If i would have taken everything my dad ever told me at face value i would be convinced he actually hated me...Good luck CW its all a mind game... -
CreativeWoman said on Jan 30, 2009....
Hegemone,
I've made a million excuses for my dad too. He was never physically abusive, but the words from his mouth sure could have cut me like knives. My dad doesn't drink very often. He simply believes he is right about everything and is very domineering. I hope you find a better solution with your dad than I have so far.
star,
You are right about the mind game. I'm not too fond of those kinds of games myself. My dad sort of goes through cycles. He can be nice for a few months and then a switch flips and he's a grizzly. I'm done trying to figure out what he means. If he wants to be an ass, he can be one.
CW
-
queenparanoia said on Jan 30, 2009....
we can never please them can't we?
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
-
CreativeWoman said on Jan 30, 2009....
queen,
I certainly can't please my dad. I know you have issues too. Hang in there.
CW
-
fragglesrock said on Jan 30, 2009....
i think they fear looking dumb in front of their kids so no matter how old we "kids" are, dads have to be one above us...."father knows best"...and we're sposed to nod our heads and smile like idiots when dad tells us the earth is flat. and since he didn't say it....GREAT job on the cholesterol numbers!!!!! (i know, i already said it on another post, but heck, it's always good to get a pat on the back) -
woman said on Jan 30, 2009....
First of all, that is great news about your blood work. I'm glad the drugs helped you. I'm sure your hard work on your diet helps too. About your Dad, I am blessed by a cheerleader for a father. Even if he doesn't always understand his crazy daughter, he's behind me. Don't think I got away scott free though, I do have a MOTHER. She is a trip that would require 10 blogs, so I'll just leave it at, she is difficult. When I read this blog I wondered if it was Dad's "help" or the fact that you don't feel loved by him that is the problem. Either way, I'm sorry. He probably won't change so perhaps you can detach a bit and try and see him as just a man. It's the only way I can deal with my mother. I gave up expecting anything l would have liked in a mother daughter relationship and just try to stay detached emotionally. I show up. I do my best, but my feelings are not out there anymore. I've let it all go. Hugs CW. You just be proud of yourself. -
mom said on Jan 30, 2009....
Hey CW, he sounds just like my mom, I never got her approval for squat. But it comes down with approving of yourself first. I know my mom meant well just as your dad does, but it still hurts. Hang in there and love yourself. -
CreativeWoman said on Jan 30, 2009....
fraggles,
Thank you. I know I'll get over it.
woman,
You've hit the nail on the head. Sometimes it doesn't feel like he loves even though I think he really does.
mom,
I've learned to be very self-critical. I need to turn that around.
CW -
mom said on Jan 30, 2009....
yes you do, and it isn't easy. But you can do and congrats on your lowering your cholesterol. -
dyingman said on Jan 31, 2009....
More unsolicited advice.
Your doctor AND your dad may be on the wrong track.
No substitute for looking at literature on your own.
DR Mirkin's newsletter released research a while back that cholesterol wasn't nearly as good a warning of heart disease as inflammation markers. Omega-3 fatty acid's have been shown to reduce these inflammation markers. Fish, seeds, and nuts are good sources of these and the best cooking oils include canola and olive.
I make Italian dressing from those dry good seasons herb packets from the grocery store with pure police oil to nudge my omega 3's in the right direction.
The 123 chlterol number needs another component. How much of that is LDL cholesterol? Apparently, the balance between HDL and LDL isn't as important as once thought. People with high HDL's were not especially vulnerable, unless their LDL was high too. If 123 is the LDL, Mirkin has given a benchmark of 90 to get out of he danger zone. Those who have had heart attacks already should shoot for 75 or less. (Pity them.)
Dads are (so far) men.
Your father is probably old enough to have been one of the bottle-it-all-up inside dads of the 30's-60's. I had one too. (Though he kept quiet more than handing out advce.)
Dads / men also see problems, includng emotonal ones as puzzles. Everythng has a countermeasure.
Doesn't love me? Buy a gift, write a poem, apologize, take a trip, have a beer and drown the hurt. DO SOMETHING.
Your father sees YOUR problem as something to work on. If you tell him about it, he thinks you're looking for suggestions. Your fighting a common enemy! This is his manly attempt to BOND with you. It's not what you wanted. It's his clueless way of loving you the best way he knows how. "Sympathetic ear" is not what a man older than 30 generally understands, much less uses of his own initiative.
He approves of your 240 - 123 triumph as one of his colonel's having taken that hill and what's the next target on teh enemy front? Men are thick. Giove us a little sympathy. You might even try being more direct.
Hug him.
"Dad, I tell you these things so you'll know what I'm up to. I'm handling them. I'm a big girl now."
I'll have to give my own daughters that advice. I might regret it though. Dads are always so sure they have good advice to share. We can't help it. Holding back on what we think we do best wouldn't be loving. If we can't love our daughters THAT way, many of us are at a loss as to what else to do.
-
dyingman said on Jan 31, 2009....
"Police oil"? spellcheck is on drugs today.
OLIVE oil
-
CreativeWoman said on Jan 31, 2009....
mom,
Thank you. I keep trying.
Dyingman,
Thank you for the information.
My good cholesterol is better than the bad. My triglycerides and liver function are excellent. I do eat many of the foods you suggested.
I do give my dad a lot of slack and the occasional hug with peck on the cheek. He knows I love him even if he is an old grizzly bear. He might be handy for catching salmon. :=)
The "police oil" made me giggle since Dad acts like a food cop sometimes.
CW
Comment on "I love my dad, but..."
Related Posts:
MsBradford07
posted 5 days ago
| views: 56
|
I was talking to a friend and she asked what is means to be in a relationship today. She had this same discussion with a male friend of hers. What he said in a nutshell was that today people get into relationships for selfish reasons. One may want a rela... read entire post
WithoutShade
posted 2 days ago
| views: 39
|
I dedicate these words to poetzsoul, in hopes that her next 25 years are motivating.... read entire post
lifestyle1
posted 6 days ago
| views: 21
|
Love is in the air when it comes to programming on television, articles in the magazines that we read, and the radio shows that we listen to; it seems that everywhere we turn talk is focused on ill... read entire post
abbonzai
posted 2 days ago
| views: 16
|
You do not really have to worry whether your ex is thinking about you or not. More than likely, your ex is actually thinking about you even when you don't make any effort.... read entire post