I had a wonderful IM conversation last night, reconnecting with a cousin-in-law I hadn't spoken to in years. I had always liked her, but never really gotten to know her much. She married one of the older cousins and I'm in the younger set. But she has always been such a warm-hearted person it's hard not to like her, you know?
So she was catching me up on all the family gossip, who got married, who had kids and all of that. I was starting to reflect on how we were all growing up and how times have changed...you'd think I would know better by now! ;)
Let's see, how can I explain this in a way that won't take half an age (and that won't end up revealing any personal stories that aren't mine to tell)... Individually, my family (father's side) are some pretty interesting people, generally friendly and smart (some of them are so freaking brilliant it's scary). But you put us all together and you start to see just how psycho we really are! No more so than many other families but we do have our own special brand of it. Very passive-aggressive. Every time someone so much as sneezes it seems there is a subtext to it! World's largest ball of yarn of subtext. You have to speak very carefully and always read between the lines. Very stubborn too, so you can imagine, very bitter. But all kept under wraps. An observer would think we were getting along just fine when really we are all spitting daggers at each other over issues that go back decades! And did I say manipulative? As I said to my cousin last night, "we have a lot of strong personalities, and a couple of people who like to play head games with the rest of us."
Not to mention, going back to my grandfather and his issues after coming home from the war, none of us have had a super emotionally-healthy upbringing, which I think is at least half our problem right there.
Well, I keep saying "we" because it is MY family, but just to be clear I'm not actually party to any of this. I'm an insider and I know the system, but I'm also an outsider because I was never around enough to really get dragged in. As far as I know nobody has anything against me and I don't have a bone to pick with anyone else either. I'm only invested in the sense that it's critical for my survival at family events that I know what's going on between who!
So my cousin and I got into who is angry with who over what, who was probably manipulating who, plus a lot of details on things that happened years ago, that she was old enough to have been completely in on, while I was only vaguely aware that something was fishy and too young for anyone to want to tell me the full story. And me having been born into this, I was able to fill her in on some of the backstory she missed, things my dad had told me about his siblings when they were younger. I really enjoyed not only catching up and feeling included again, but also being able to share perspectives as two outsiders to the family...her from being the first to marry in (which was a hard road) and me from never being around all that much. Plus, my dad was the black sheep of the siblings, and her husband is pretty much the black sheep of the grandkids.
It's funny, you know. Nothing really changes with family, does it? It's like a law of the universe. And it's so obvious we're all related; we really can't get away from it. Not only do we look alike (and we really do - you can pick us out for relatives from miles away!) but we're all having the same fights in the same way. And yet, you know, we don't really hate each other. There are divisions and camps and sides to take, but I mean, family is still family. Nobody's out to truly destroy each other, they're just out to WIN. We just stew and simmer and get competitive and keep secrets, and then try not to let on about any of it. There are worse families I could be part of (and it is kind of fun to watch sometimes!). And time HAS changed a few things. But let's say the guidebook for navigating safely through this bunch is still many inches thick!
Oh, and my grandfather who's getting quite far in years, has planned to split his rather significant acreage among us all, and if anyone wants to sell it outside the family they will have to buy everyone else out first. ...Ohhh yeah, there's gonna be blood before all is said and done!
nytquill17 posted on Jan 26, 2009
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Comments
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uniquely-ironic said on Jan 26, 2009....
I have yet to meet the truly well adjusted family. Some look real good from the outside, but you scratch the surface and it's the same old same old.My ex-husband refused to attend my mom's side of the family's Thanksgivings after his first. He didn't get that the screaming, yelling, shoving and blood letting was a form of affection ;) -
nytquill17 said on Jan 26, 2009....
Yeah, I've long suspected there is no such thing. I would've been suspicious a lot sooner but my parents had me convinced that ours was, so I figured there was at least one. Shows what I know! Although to be fair, my folks and I are actually one of the most well-adjusted families I know, and my mom's side is pretty good too, but we still don't quite make the grade on some things.
And yeah, I guess some things you just have to be born into to really have the hang of, eh? ;)
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Hegemone said on Jan 26, 2009....
Interesting family you've got there nytquill. I think just about everybody can relate to having messed up family issues somewhere or another. I totally know about the last part you included, that being your grandfather's plans to split his acreage among your family. There will be blood, and that sucks to know, doesn't it? My family is going through the very same thing at the moment as my great aunt decided to leave her properties to various members of the family. It's almost brought on the final downfall of the family. The interesting thing with us ... it seems that each time somebody passes our family grows more thin, weaker, more selective. We grow further apart, select sides and grow more ruthless with each passing. It's sad really, but I hope your family fares much better out of all of it. -
GrapeKoolaid said on Jan 27, 2009....
Yup... The trouble is, you can't pick your family. On top of that, the saying, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" is really true in a lot of cases.
Though one can hope to a), roll down the hill, or b), float down the river, or c), get eaten by an animal and pooped out later.
None of which sound all that appealing... :p
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nytquill17 said on Jan 27, 2009....
Hege: It is sad, isn't it, the way these rifts develop. We haven't quite gotten to vicious yet in my family but there is a lot of secrecy and conspiracy and whatnot. So it could certainly happen. It will be interesting to see how things go when our grandparents pass. So much of our family life the last decade or so has centered around them because they are getting older. What will happen without that kind of common purpose? There is a lot of property and a fair amount of money that will come into play too. I do love my family but I'm glad to be far enough out of the loop that I can simply observe.
Grape: unappealing indeed :p I have spent a lot of my recent years on this question of whether or not you can ever really get away from your family. I used to think you could, absolutely. Now I see that you can't, at least not completely. But you can put a lot of distance between you if necessary! I still hold onto the idea that I will not be a doormat for somebody just because we share blood. Blood is just a matter of who you're born to, which might be important but is also totally random. No free rides! If my friends have to earn my respect/friendship/whatever then so does my family!
I love these two sayings from "Illusions" by Richard Bach:
"Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years."
"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof."
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GrapeKoolaid said on Jan 27, 2009....
quill: Those are very poignant quotes. You're absolutely right, of course. Just because someone's family, doesn't mean they should get a free pass. I'm all for family bonding and closeness of the family and all that, but you have to draw the line somewhere.
Not dealing with bitter, passive-aggressive people seems like a good line to draw. At least a starting point, anyways. Even if they're super-smart and are family.
BTW, nice to see you blogging again. :)
Comment on "Ahh, family"
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