I've been in deep thought today.  The interesting part is what I have noticed.  There is a hardening of my spirit taking place.  I suppose this could make me stronger.  Whether there is a heaven and hell or not isn't mattering too much right now.  I want to be myself.  The church that I go to talks of giving up one's sense of self for God.  I have to be myself.  I don't care if I'm a blundering idiot in other people's eyes.  This is my life.  I guess that it could mean that I'm going to hell because of it.  It may mean nothing.  I have to do what's right for me.  What's important to me?  I have been thinking about the humiliation that my mental illness has caused me.  I'm angry.   I know that I didn't want to be a jackass in front of that guy like I was.  I wanted to see him, but not in that way.  I can't change what occured in any way though.  I guess I'll have to get over it and move on somehow.  One day things will be ok.  I have to remember that these are very tough times.