Steven is leaving to go to the Marines. Steven is my ex boyfriend. He was my first love, and at one time my everything. In August our relationship took a horrible spin and turned toxic. I am sorry to admit the fault goes mainly to myself. I don't talk to him anymore but I do work with his mom and dad. He is really leaving to go to the Marines. I have cried my eyes out. I spend all my time hiding from the very fact that I even know him but my heart breaks at the mention of his name. I know I will get through it and eventually be able to look back with just the joy that I had the time that I spent with him. But him leaving soon for the Marines has taken its toll on me like I never thought possible. My uncle died in Afghanistan in 2006. His girlfriend and him had broken up and there was so much anger there. Now she is haunted by the guilt that it was never resolved. There is so much tension between Steven and I, and anger. I don't want it to end like that. I will never say this again aloud but I still love Steven and I always will. I know being together is completely impossible now. We are both very different people and we have grown so much... but grown apart. The Steven I knew and fell in love with is gone. He might as well be dead. But I don't want him to get hurt. I guess it is like Emily Bronte wrote in Wuthering Heights. Catherine says of Heathcliff, " If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger." I just want him to be okay. I want to live knowing that he is happy. I wish I could have the chance to tell him the truth about everything. To say sorry. To just let him know that I loved him more than life. But now I have to let go and move on and that is the hardest thing to do because I have no idea who I am without him. Even though I am seeing someone else, it will never be the same. I should know who I am without Steven. I should be able to let go. There is someone out there that can love him a lot more than I could. But right now that seems almost impossible.