what does the future hold for me....?

is that your final answer or would you like to phone a friend?

I know probably too many questions - and not enough answers - i know that the first part of this has gotten some comments,that i will answer as soon as i am done here.
But this is one of those never ending questions that i sit and ask myself sometimes,more often than not over the last 18 months.I have to get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and know that i have a debilitating condition 'that can and will probably have me in a wheelchair in 5 years time' ( a neurosurgeon who was my 'second opinion' put it in Feb last year )if i dont do something about it now.

But i some times sit and ask myself questions like - Ok,you are now 38 years old,and what have you got to show for yourself? well lets see - i am single, I live alone,I dont own a house,but i own a car,I dont have a flashy lifestyle or wear designer clothes,or eat fancy food - I am just a plain  guy in the street - nothing different than i was this time last year - so whats changed.?

I often think if i had have  succeeded in my attempt 16 years ago - would it have made much difference in anyone's life?- i was a real loner in those days and relied on no one else but my self for company a lot of the time.It was my own choice really.Having been treated by my dad way into my late teens,the way i had been,made me an anti social kind of guy - not that it was his fault,maybe - but rather my choice.Too many years of having to put up with that kind of behaviour turned me into a hermit or an introvert of sorts - am I still an introvert? I think so.I like to go out to be among people though.Not to really talk to anyone - but just to be around people and to watch them.Not stalk them,just watch them.

So I sat the other night having my philosophical meltdown of sorts,and i started to remember other episodes in my childhood.Not being the best behaved guy in school and coming home with a note from my teacher - and being asked by my folks 'why did you...?' and the trademark answer was always the same ' i dont know'
So my dad would resort to concentration type tactics - sleep depravation - i was a 10 year old kid who was woken up at 2am and taken down in to the dining room and sat down at the table and interrogated about the same thing.The questions were asked again - just to see if the half asleep answer was the same ' i dont know' and ....yes,it was.

Next would be the 'scare' tactic
I remember being bundled into our car and left in the middle of a forest about 2kms near our house - when he was at his worst and couldnt or didnt know what to do with me anymore.I couldnt believe that he left me there and drove off - so i did the next best thing,I started walking home.I was stubborn that way ,not scared at all- and maybe that stubbornness is paying off now.

Another occasion i remember - i was picked up after school one day,by him and he took me down into the town where we lived in northern ireland - this was very early 1980's and he showed me the city cleaning staff in their builders boots and their big orange overalls.He turns round and looks at me and said
                                         'You wanna know what the future holds for you'

and he casually points out the window at these guys as he is driving along

So I guess he was wrong -he nearly always was when it came to me - but during all this,he knew.He knew exactly what the future held for me,he knew because the doctors at the hospital told him,and my mother.He knew i would have had a learning disability because iof it in my early years at school and did nothing about it.
But he said nothing.
Now that i am dealing with the condition the way that i am,i am asking them as one adult to another for answers,and what am i getting in their place?
Denial,and silence and ignorant,as if it is happening to someone else's child - so they can  just switch off.plain and simple.

So it felt like i had come full circle - that feeling of insecurity and instability that i felt in my teens is still there - it just manifests itself in a very different way.
But i am older now,and with age comes wisdom.I am dealing with this now - a lot better than i thought i ever would.

But i am dealing with it cos i have to - not because i want to