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Need advice please :(

Thoughtful posted on Jan 22, 2009 | views: 49 | Tags: drunks, advice

SIgh .. feels like i have been doing this alot .. i mean ALOT lately. Its jus that i feel like i cant get all this stuff right .. its flying at me in sLOW motion if that makes sense ? I FINALLY made peace with fiances mother .. now its him that i need to make peace with but no matter how i try he cant see things my way .. my mom says " he is a man you cant expect him to have the same understandin and emotions as you " i think my mom may be sexist but she is a wise wise woman. I never ever thought i woudl be the kind of girl to say it but ..

MEN SUCK .. all men in general my father .. fiances father .. ALL MEN SUCK they do not have the mental abillity to realize how fuckin stupid it is to let someone down over and over again. I Can still hear my dad when he was drunk and embarassing me in front of my friends. Or see him commin home and toshing the table over after mom spent all day cooking because he was in a drunk frenzy. It happened when we went campin and when he was hung over when we had plans. I hated it and i kept forgiving him . Now when fiance gets druunk . i see dad in him so much and i just am so scared because i know that he has this power over me like dad but for different reasons and i will LET him do these things to me ? i dont want to be so vulnerable i NEVER put my feelings out there for another human being before why now ? its like my whole world gravitates around him and i cant breathe without him its like i am consumed with what he is and what we are together and what he woudl be with somoene else if he wasnt with me. SInce the engagement i feel as if i have our wonderful beautiful life planned out. MINUS the fact that he is an asshole 95 % of the time he is terrible to me and i dont know why i still want to marry him? im 20 years old have a dozen other boys who are interested .. and yet i pick him ? WHYYYY my rational head is telling my heart and my stupid heart wont listen

 This is unhealthy I know it but i just keep thinking if its salvagable i NEED to do this cause i love this person more then i love me and thats so scary. I feel like he has this perverse excitation when i cry knowin he has that power its creepy and scary and still i love him ? 

FIance is away .. 3 and a hlaf hours time diff away .. 6000 km away .. all i have is to hear his voice on the phone and when im not being a "good girl" he takes that from me i spend the nigght crying and feel terrible the next day while trying to study ( nursing is NOT easy as it is) . FIance was supposed to come home next year .. quit the forces cus he loves me .. now fiance is sure he is not .. he is saying he wants to stay in till the contract is up and that is ANOTHER year of this. Efkio;sdihdkvykvgkajcyv laiv

I Was a good girl .. I did what i was uspposed to .. i suffered I DESERVE MINE .. where the fuckin hell is it ?! i cant get an epiphany out of this .. god sucks if there is one .. even though idont believe in him .. for all you believers he SUCKS .. he allowed everything bad to happen in this world and i know it coudl be alot worse but right now i feel like MY problems hurt  the most cus i feel them myself.

I am scared fiance is cheatin on me .. playing with my head .. fiance is supposed to come home next month. Being in the forces he has to put in for leave to do this. ITs 34 days away and he has not yet . does this mean he does not want to ? im too young for gray hair :'( i jus wish there was something or someone to make me feel better.

o ya there is ! and fiance took him away from me. My best friend .. well call him.. umm hot dark boy i was in love with in gr 10. buttt HD for short : ).. ya that got a nice ring to it. So HD  well he confessed havin feelings for me, stuff happened we hung out andd umm ya ! fiance caught on that there was feelings ? i guess mutually but nothing more andd freaked out which is understandable and told me i was forbidden to see HD :( .. so ppoor me is here wihtout the only person who can fill this terrible breakin achin HOLE in my heart :( i want this terible lonely missing him feeling to stop and HD used to be like medicine .. he was comfortable and beautiful an sweet and always smells good .. all the things fiance is when he is here. but he is not !? so why is he so selfish :@ he shoudl be here :'(  i cant even force myself to live in residence to go to university.. im to sad and lonely and depressed and it reminds me of fiance there ! so i drive or ride an hour each mornin instead :(

i should be enjoying these times.. we shoudl be cookin supper together and living together and hvain cute dates and havin him there to support me when im frustrated . instead i am counting down days and wasting my college days upset and i cant shake it ! GODDD i need advice i need .. sumthun ..i need my fiance :( or HD back in my life .. :'(



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Comments

  • TurquoisLotus said on Jan 22, 2009....
    So I totally sent you a but load of advice but it did not go through. I really want to give you more but I need to know your going to read it first because it took me like a half hour to tell you what I needed too.
    So hit me back up?
  • TurquoisLotus said on Jan 23, 2009....
    So here am I and I do have a few words to say. Even if you don't like my advice, please feel better..
     
    1. Never Never Never love someone more than you love yourself. It's a basic rule in life. It will only lead to pain and sadness.
     
    2. Life can be stressful in all asects. You need make time for yourself, even if you cannot spare it. (I'm a dork and I recommend meditation to clear your mind)You have to consider yourself above all others even if it sounds selfish. You are trying to lead your own life and be happy, not spend the whole time dealing with everyone else and having double the stress.
     
    3. think this marriage through like you never have before. you are only twenty years old and you are unhappy. You have the rest of your life to make these huge decisions. Of course I'm not saying that you went into this too fast, it's just that things can change so easily and so rapidly, you might have to reconsider what you really want to do with your life.
     
    4. Really try and talk this through with your man.  I mean really, next time you see him take the time to sit down and have a serious conversation about your future. If he is willing to listen to your feelings and cooperate and understand, there is more hope in this than you thught.  However, if he starts being a jerk and accusing you of stupiud shit, you should reeeaaly think about this guy some more. True love and marriage requires trust, understanding, and good communication. If you cannot find that within him you are in trouble. And when you do talk to him try to control your emotions. Crying never help, and don't blindly accuse him of things because that will piss him off.
     
    5. It is unacceptable that your man is controlling. He has no right to forbid you to see who you want. think about how life will be when you are married. Controlling traits usually last forever, you can't have your husband controlling your every move. If he loves you, he should trust that you will apply good judgement.  You should stand up for yourself and hang out with who you want, with no intentions of hurting you of course. If you can show him that you a trustworthy when hanging out with HD he will show you more respect for making your own decisions. No man loves a pushover, but they do love having power and that is exactly what you gave hijm, not good.
     
    6.  Think about your fiance's point of view. marriage is a HUGE commitment, and he might be terrified and not know how to controll himself and how he acts.Once again, this applies to sitting down and discussing this with him. It's scary business.
     
    7. hahaha do not blame God. You are in control of your own life and your own destiny. I know it sounds corny but everything happens for a reason and (as impossible as it sounds) try and look at everything with a positive attitude because with that attitude change comes a much easier life. And I'm not a crazy God preacher, i don't believe in him either.
     
    So the original I had typed had so much more advice than this but I forgot what I said!!!  Unfortunately I do not know you personally so i do not know if this advice applies to your relationship, but I'm sorry if any of this offended you I realy do want to help I know what pain and lonliness feel like. I wish you the best of luck =]
     
    3. 

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