So I was sitting at home last night - just me and the cat - who was trying his best to be full of nonsense for some reason,and i started to think.
Now thinking for me can be dangerous sometimes,espeecially if i am left to my own devices while doing so.I can think the strangest of thoughts.
Like now,I am sitting thinking to myself 'how strong of a person am i really?' now before i make this a mini rant and people stop reading and move on - this is not a mini rant at all.
I guess you can call it a CJ confession of sorts -when i was about 22,I decided that i had had enough of life and that i was gonna end it all.So needless to say,I tried ( its a long story,which i may post about when i get my head out of the sand) and almost succeeded - I ended up in hospital for about 3 weeks with liver failure and that on its own nearly killed me.
Now here I am 16 years later,and thinking to myself,I have enough volatile medication that,taken in a reckless sort of fashion would end it all in about 5 minuetes,and who would know? I live alone - the nieghbours are basically oblivious to each other so,they wouldnt notice.
But then i think of what i have been through in the last 16 years and more notably in the last 18 months with this condition.Then i suddenly feel like Steve Austin,the Six Million Dollar Man 'we can rebuild him' as they used to say.
I havent really decided where i am going with this - but have any of you ever asked yourself the question 'what does the future hold for me?'
.......and been right.
I will be back later to finish this one,i think
cuppajava posted on Jan 22, 2009
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Comments
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diabolicdame said on Jan 22, 2009....
I hope you're going somewhere really posistive with this cj!! How are you by the way? -
fragglesrock said on Jan 22, 2009....
wow...this is very deep post. very much bearing your soul. thanks for allowing us to come inside. i often ask myself "what does the future hold for me?" i don't know what you mean about the "....and been right." part. i'm glad that you weren't successful with your attempt 16 years ago. otherwise i wouldn't have been able to enjoy your music :) -
Hegemone said on Jan 22, 2009....
Interesting chain of thoughts CJ. I find that when I really try to think of the future and what I want out of it and then what I think I'm going to get, it's not an equal comparison and I usually wind up disappointed. I try to concentrate on NOW because it bums me out thinking of the future anymore. Isn't that weird? It flusters me too thinking of all the things I want and then thinking of what I have to do to get there and just not being able to see that path. I too am happy that you weren't successful 16 years ago. Thanks for the wonderful post! -
cuppajava said on Jan 22, 2009....
Hi Dbabe - i would like to think that i am going somewhere positive with this - i mean,I am writing about it - and i think that the experience that i had 16 years ago taught me a lot about myself and how i handle and react to situations - i am ok,I guess - just starting to get a little nervous about the hospital - which is not a good thing -
cuppajava said on Jan 22, 2009....
Hi Fraggles - the reason why i brought that up,is a lot of the time we often say to ourselves 'in 5 years time i wanna be doing ....' if you know what i mean - but how many of us actually get there and are happy? This is not meant to be a depressing post,by the way - and it is in now way anywhere near finished - but i made a decision at that time after all of that,that the only person i would rely on for the rest of my life was me 'look after No1' so to speak.I had sort of said to myself that i would be happy to spend the rest of my life alone.That was before i met Jo- but the funny thing is - 16 years later - i am alone - but am i happy with it? not really....p.s glad you liked the music - there's a few more coming your way .... -
diabolicdame said on Jan 22, 2009....
You'll be ok cj.. dont worry about the hospital.. your stock of good stuff is long overdue!! I'm praying for your hospital visits to go really really well!! The kind of experience you had 16 years ago.. and the way you dealt/ are dealing with it says a lot about you as a person.. your ability to move forward and bounce back will always serve you well!! -
D6fer said on Jan 22, 2009....
I would have to say that very few people get it right in the goal department if any at all....life will always hand you lemons....some will even be too rotten to make lemonade.....but it is the contrast of the bad times that make you appreciate the good ones.....hopes and dreams keep us moving forward....keep hoping....and keep dreaming....and keep keeping on!
Comment on "Life,The Universe and Everything Part 1"
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