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I have given up, thrown in the towel, given up the ghost....

mom posted on Jan 20, 2009 | views: 187 | Tags: single and loving it, you cant take me alive, hilarious
I am officially letting all you crazy kids out there know that I have given up on love and relationships and I will go it alone.
I am looking at a mobile home tomorrow and my daughter and I might be moving into it. The park is a lovely one, mostly elderly.  I want to write books.
I am going to invite Botoni to come and live with me.  He and I  will snuggle up on the couch at night and look at naked men together.  I'll drink my water and he can drink his wine, while we listen to Billie Holiday. We'll dance the night away to "It's raining men".
In a couple of months I hope to have my tummy tuck,  my breasts and face overhauled, then I will wear a sign that says, "You can look but don't touch".
Then when a guy comes up grabbing his crotch and saying, "Hey baby you want a piece of this?"  I can say, "Yeah, but so far you don't have a piece of anything I want."
I'll light candles at night and it will be cozy.  My daughter and I are close and it would be great to just have it be the two of us.
I am excited about this new phase in my life.  I will go from unhappy, sexually frustrated, aging, overweight, breasts hanging, butt dragging housewife to a unhappy, sexually frustrtated, aging, overweight (a little), breasts hanging, butt dragging single white woman of '09, yeah baby!
It will be fresh air in the house, no tobacco smoke and no farts!  Well unless they are mine and mine don't stink.  It will be quiet and peaceful.  I'll have my little Shih-tsu who I adore.  I can't think of life being any better than this.


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Comments

  • D6fer said on Jan 20, 2009....
    mom......so let me get this straight......you are replacing farts with a shit-zu?....this is clearly a cry for help! ;p
  • Fallyn said on Jan 20, 2009....
    i'm laughing so hard my mother asked what i was laughing about......then she's laughing so hard that dad comes in........says "harrumph" and leaves the room.....then we crack up laughing some more.
  • mom said on Jan 20, 2009....
    D6- no dear, I have had a shih tzu already.  He is the only male that I will allow in my life.  :)  He is a great companion, but trading farts in for shih tsus are not a bad idea.
     
    Fallyn- I am not surprised that your dad might not find the humor or reasoning to this. Men are proud of their bodily functions and if we are being asphyxiated by it then they are even more proud. Everytime he wakes me up, I kick and elbow him.  It makes me so mad.  Then I spray him and the area around us. I can be a walking advertisement for Oust spray, that is some heavy duty stuff. 
  • D6fer said on Jan 20, 2009....
    And now a word from our sponsor: "Try  new Oust with arsnic....guaranteed to get the man out!"
  • Fallyn said on Jan 21, 2009....
    *giggling* i love it.

    so....when are you leaving him?
  • mom said on Jan 21, 2009....
    as soon as I can get some money!  That is coming in the mail. I also hope to get the mobile home.
  • diabolicdame said on Jan 21, 2009....
    hehehe.. lol.. so funny.. sounds like a plan to me!! All the best!! I wish you and Shih-tsu a happy life together!! By the way do those 'look but dont touch' signs actually work?
  • MissMimi said on Jan 21, 2009....
    mom, can I come and live with you too?  I'll cook for you, and play the piano while you and botty dance.  I'm always threatening to become a lesbian hermitess, but asexual hermitess works for me too.  Oh.  I guess if I live with you, I won't be a hermitess, will I?  Oh well, I'll work out the details later.
  • wombat said on Jan 21, 2009....
    Oh, my...Already not knowing when you are serious and when you joking....ha.  But I gather that some big changes are occuring so wishing you the best on that.  In the meantime, love the crackin' me up Sam kind of updates! 
  • Twylarants said on Jan 21, 2009....
    Hi....am I too late to welcome you back?  I missed a post, didn't I?  
  • Hegemone said on Jan 21, 2009....
    Sounds like you've got a good plan.  Sounds like it could mean some good, peaceful, possibly fun times for you too.  I'm happy for ya!
  • GrapeKoolaid said on Jan 21, 2009....
    Oh mom...

    Just like you to turn pain into laughter.  I've missed that about you.  It seems like there are many changes in store for you this year, huh?  I wish you all the luck that is fortunate enough to find its way to you. 

    We're always here to comfort and support you.  And a giggle if you need one.  :)

    Will you name your Shih-tzu the same as your (soon to be) ex?  Then you can teach him to beg (I'm willing to wager that listening to commands wasn't your ex's strong suits, which can be yet another thing your precious can do better than him).  :D
  • mom said on Jan 21, 2009....
    diabolic- thanks and not sure if they work or not, never been able to wear one, mine have always said "I'll pay to have you touch me"
     
    Mimi- if you are serious, I would love to have you come and live with us.  You let me know cause I was looking at a 3 bedroom and will go back to that if you are serious.
     
    Wombie- I think that is part of the reason my marriage has failed, my husband doesn't know if I am serious or not.  I have said many times, "Either you put out or I will cut that thing offf!"  Well, he is still intact.
     
    twyla- Sweetie you are never too late, thanks
     
    hegemone- Thanks, I feel good about all of this.
     
    Grape- thanks so much, I  know that about you guys, you all are good friends. No, I am not going to call my dog dickhead.  I like my dog. :)  If I name him after my husband, I might kick him just for shits and giggles. 
     
     
     
     
     

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Have you talked with God?

mixednuts posted on Oct 27, 2009 | views: 360 | Tags: the-word, hilarious
http://www.titane.ca/igod/main.html

You might be surprised!... read entire post 5 comments