I'm writing to a country song.

Before 2005, I never knew I liked any of these hick songs. It turns out.. they get to me. Which is an incredibly weird thing to say about a genre of music but I mean it. Rock gets me when I'm angry and hurting and miserable, when I'm seeing the worst shades of red. Jazz gets me when I'm hoping, and optimistic, and pink. When I'm living.Christian music gets me when I'm thinking about life's wonders, and when I'm longing for ways out, when I'm living greens.

So today, when I was driving past exit 111, and I was stopping to throw up, I played a rock song to get rid of you. To free you from my mind, you were the first thing my body let go. Next I smoothed out a sweet jazz song, for the second round of losing my hurt. I prayed for my two mothers, and even if God came down to earth and stood in between them.. they still wouldn't know the first thing about loving me. And lastly, I played the most longing Christian song I could find because I knew, deep in my soul, and with all of the fluid I had left in me.. that it's time for a change. What an odd thing to associate vomit with, but there it is. And then, and truly only then, I bawled. I cried my fucking eyes out. I sat on the side of I-25 and I absolutely lost my mind. There, next to a crease in a mountain, I lost it. I think maybe when I drive back to Casper in a few days I'll go searching for myself. I doubt I ll find it.. and even if I did.. would I want myself back? Probably not.

I found out, yesterday, that you, YOU, You have read my words, finally, for the first time. Did it occur to you, ever, that if you ever had taken the time to get to know me in the first place, these things wouldn't have shocked you? My dear, my love, my nothing... I have so many words, and feelings, and thoughts. I would scare the hell out of you with the things that cross my mind. I've decided to find someone a little more like minded. And being single, and being alone... it really really isn't the worst thing I've ever been through.

Unfortunately for you, and for you, and for you, and for you.... and for anyone else who gets inside by proxy... my mind isn't the same as my body- and if you remember that.... I won't be misleading you with a false sense of love... I want to give my love both, as I never have before. I want my love to have my soul's concepts.. my heart's depth.. and everything my body can give to anyone ever.