And if it is, is she paying me back in the same form or will she come back at another time, in another form?  Will this continue to dangle over my head?

I would have never expected this from her, not from her.  We are married over 20 years, she knows how it is to be betrayed, how it feels as she has made it known many times over the span of our relationship.  But why did she feel the need to do it?  And why didn't she, or maybe did she on my last extended business trip?

Am I being just as dishonest by snooping, trying to keep a log of her indiscretions?  Had I not expected something was up, I would have never snooped in the first place.  But regardless of with whom or why, it is there and although she has given a valiant attempt in trying to hide it, I saw it and as I did, it cut right through me.  Left me cold and at that moment in time, the size of the world had expanded so big and with such velocity, it left me cold and I no longer knew who I was or where I was at.

We met over 20 years ago and back then, I heard of her horror stories, and was forced to endure the long speeches that "all men are alike".  Well, maybe in a certain aspect she was correct, that all men have the same urges.  It is in our code, we possibly go against our nature when we settle down with one woman.  But the difference between most men and myself is the fact that I knew that going after someone just to satisfy an urge, could ruin years of trust, destroy what we had, destroy (our) families.  Although I have allowed myself to enter situations where there was some pretty heavy flirting, where the one party was more willing than the other (me), I was able to walk away without doing anything.  The rush of feeling desired was usually short lived after it given way to feeling guilty.  Guilt because I knew that had I acted like that within view of my wife, she would have been crushed.

So, here we are.  Me snooping around, checking phone records, finding things on her computer, e-mails and most crushing, pics of the man who felt obligated to showcase his man-piece by way of attachments in e-mails.  In my opinion, very short and cheap writings of what they would do to her if they had ever met.  Forces almost a chuckle as I read and I know that I could have done and have done so much better in type, but she was not always willing to participate.

The sting, the heart palpitations always return now when I know she is on the computer, when I enter a room and she quickly closes a window, or when I heat the chattering of the keyboard while I lie awake in bed.

It hurts not knowing what the truth is anymore.