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History Lesson: My Father and I (Incomplete Edition)

Hegemone posted on Jan 16, 2009 | views: 101 | Tags: hatred, My dad
For those of you who get scared away by a seemingly long post ... I've included some song lyrics, so that makes it longer, but in essence, it's not REALLY that long.
 
THIS, the following, is how I feel about my father, and I have felt this way for some time.  Check it out sometime if you get the chance for deepened effects.   I think that's why I am so in tune with Godsmack because SO much of their music allows me to express myself.  What worries me is that a good portion of their music comes off to be pretty angry sounding if you take a listen, but I've come to realize that in a lot of ways, that's me ... I'm just angry. 

"I Fucking Hate You"
Performed By:  Godsmack

For everything you do
I'd like to swallow you
And everyday I'm gonna blame you

Even if you justify
Every fucking bullshit lie
It only makes me want to break you

You pull me down
And you crucify my name
You make me insane
It's broken now
Don't ever look my way
Don't even think I'm playin

Cause I fucking hate you
You're such a liar
And I love to hate you
You're all the same to me

When you repeatedly
Take advantage of me
The only thought I get of you sickens me
Everybody knows you're fake
You're everything I fucking hate
And I'm everything that you could never be

You pull me down
And you crucify my name
You make me insane
It's broken now
Don't ever look my way
Don't even think I'm playin

Cause I fucking hate you
You're such a liar
And I love to hate you
You're all the same to me
I fucking hate you
You're such a liar
And I love to hate you
You're all the same to me

(fuck you)
(fuck you)
(fuck you)
(fuck you)

You pull me down
And you crucify my name
You make me insane
It's broken now
Don't ever look my way
Don't even think I'm playin

Cause I fucking hate you
You're such a liar
And I love to hate you
You're all the same to me
And I fucking hate you
You're such a liar
And I love to hate you
You're all the same to me

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)

Yeah, I know, pretty harsh.  I don't care, that's how I feel.  Hate is a strong word you may be thinking, and well, you might also be thinking 'You should never say you HATE your parent.'  You don't know what our past is.  This is a man who deemed it OK to throw me down on the ground twice and try to choke me four times all because I supposedly woke him up when he drunkenly passed out at 3 in the afternoon (he was in the kitchen making his dinner, considering I was the one NOT drunk, that kind of a memory gets scarred in your head, I think I remember thank you very much).  A man who thinks it's OK to try to bully me and TRY to intimidate me when he gets pissed off.  A man who blames everything on me.  A man who takes and takes and takes and despises seeing somebody else besides him exceed.  If you're smarter than him he'll do whatever he can to bring you down to his level.  If you're better off than him, he'll find ways to make you feel like shit.  I'm fully allowed to say I hate this man.

I don't know why I came back into this stupidity.  I did not re-enter this house with thoughts that everything would be all peachy, bubbly fun.  I entered the house as a tenant, he the person renting the space out.  He's transformed that into something else. I badly want out again.  The only reason I moved back in was because he was down on his back and I did not want him to lose my grandma's house.  I am sick of not being able to stick up for myself for fear that he decide to go ballistic again.  I'm not afraid because of what he'll do to me ... I'm afraid for what I could do to him this time. 

Every time he's tried to lay his hands on me I've reacted.  The first way was to throw him eight feet down the driveway onto his ass.  No joke.  The second time he got thrown into the entertainment center and laughed about it.  The third time, well, I hate a VCR, wires and remotes in my hands.  He referred to me by my mother's name, meaning it in a vicious and loathsome way ... at the time my mother had recently been in the hospital for her mental break, during which she almost died.  I started seeing red and gave him a nasty look, that was all.  That brought on the choking and throwing down.  Yet each and every time I've had the thought 'What if I hurt his back? I can't hurt his back.  I have to be careful.'

Next time he might not get so lucky.  I've actually had the forethought (like when you're preparing for an event) that should he ever try to get the upper hand near the basement, I will fling the door open and push him down.  If not that, I will do whatever I have to at all costs and I will kill him.  I will not let him get the upper hand again.  After that incident almost three years ago, I will never again tolerate anything like that.  From anyone.  Ever. 

I just feel so much hatred towards him.  Can you blame me?

"Keep Away"
Performed By:  Godsmack

Sickness spillin through your eyes.
Cravin everything that you thought was a lie.
Stab me in my heart again.
Drag me through your wasted life, are you forever dead?

Do like I told you,
Stay away from me.
Never misunderstand me,
Keep away from me.

Twisting everything around that you say...yeah!.
Smack me in my mouth 200 times every other day.
Rag me, I don't hear you anymore, not yet.
Find out what it means to me, I dont know who you are.

Do like I told you,
Stay away from me.
Never misunderstand me,
Keep away from me.
Do like I told you,
Stay away from me.
Never misunderstand me,
Keep away from me.

Draggin on so lonely,
Aren't you tired, baby? yeah.
Breathing life into your lungs,
Are you immune to me?

Do like I told you,
Stay away from me.
Never misunderstand me,
Keep away from me.
Do like I told you,
Stay away from me.
Never misunderstand me,
Keep away from me...
Never misunderstand me...
Never misunderstand me...
Never misunderstand me...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...



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Comments

  • botoni said on Jan 17, 2009....
    You are carrying a huge burden! I get the point that you want to protect your grandmothers house and that by being there you can contribute to that but is it worth what it's doing to you? Seriously consider letting him be responsible for himself and let the results fall where they may.
  • Hegemone said on Jan 17, 2009....
    Botoni, sadly, I do think my grandma's house is worth it so that later in life, once my dad passes, I'll be able to own it.  However, I forgot to mention that when we moved back in it was to help him keep my grandmother's house due to him being out of work with a bad back.  Now he's gotten a little extra funding from my great aunt's passing, and his back is better and he's working a full time job, I don't have to be here.  So my husband and I are actually putting money into a savings account little by little, as much as we can afford around our bills, and we're intending on moving out hopefully sometime within this year.  Forgot to mention that because I was so wound up and pissed off.  I guess what I'm getting at is that the house is worth going to a little extra effort for, but it's not in enough trouble anymore to need to stick around.  I'd much rather him just call us when he needs help doing this and that so we can plan something out and get together to do it than just being in the house so he can come interrupt us at the drop of a hat.
  • lionesss said on Jan 17, 2009....
    my dear friend hege, l KNOW exacatly where you are comin from except what your dad did to you and put you thru was very harsh but it was very mild compared to what my motha put me thru, im slowley comin to realise that although i love my dad and granma belongings and property,its not worth being torturted every day by her evil mouth and demands of my dads last wishs and his will, i know full well that she will sell granmn/grandad house, i have all i need from my granma/grandad, and i know that my dad wud rather me be happy rather than live every day miserable being compared to a blue eyed sister mentally abused and used iv not seen or spoken to my mum since xmas even bein in hospital very sick she knew but didnt bother getting in touch she stayed away so thats what iv done, she managed to send new year greetings to all the family but me never sent me a card or bothered on my b/day so im better away
    so my question to you is although you have a very simular relationship with your dad is it worth living with him now doing damage while making up a home from a small distance and then start mending building bridges making sure that your granma house stays in the family that way, same goes for you if ever you want to pm me then my box is always open xxxxx
  • Hegemone said on Jan 19, 2009....
    Lionesss - So sorry it's taken me so long to respond to this one.  Have had entirely too much going on the last couple of days.  Right now it's not worth staying in, I've come to realize this too.  As I've mentioned in the past, my husband and I are saving money to move out.  Thankfully tax time is coming around so we'll be able to put a LOT of that money away into savings.  My goal is for us to move out of this house by the end of the year.  I know my grandma wouldn't want me to stay and put up with this.  I'm no longer staying here just for the house, I'm here because at the moment we have nowhere else to go and not enough money to just move out right now.  It took me a while, but a couple of months back it dawned on me that we don't HAVE to stay here anymore.  He's secure enough that if we wanted to move out, I don't have to worry about the house financially.  Then, at that point, if he needs help doing certain things because it's too much for his back, he can just call us and we'll come over ... at which point if he gets upset during any of those visits we can just leave.  We don't have to feel like we have nowhere to go.  So, I do see what you're saying, and believe me, when I did realize that a couple of months ago, my plans began to save money to move out.  Thank you for stopping in Lionesss, it was very nice to hear from you.

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