• uniquely-ironic said on Jan 16, 2009....

  Okay, maybe I'm shallow, but to me it's very important that they have a job.  I don't care if it's flipping burgers or sweeping streets or CEO of a fortune 500.  To me it's less about the type of job and more about the fact that they have a strong drive to provide for themselves.
   
  Now, that aside, if there is nothing more to them then a fancy job, they're outta there!  I do want someone who can provide love, companionship, comfort, kindness, support, etc.  And should they become unemployed that wouldn't break the relationship ........ as long as they were looking for work.
   
  It's an unfortunate reality that we each have bare minimum requirements for our life partners.  Mine includes the ability to support themself.  I can support myself and have no interest in supporting another adult.

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  i think i'm just frustrated in my own situation.
  cause right now.....i don't care one whit about the stupid flippin job.
  

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  if some guy off the street was trying to start a relationship with me....i think i'd care a lot more about his employment status. .......i'm just frustrated right now......that cause you don't have the job you think you should be doing means that you can't let anyone love you.
  
  

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  hmmmm, thinking more about this too.......i think an ability to support yourself is really important....but it doesn't have to be a job.
  
  hmmm, i should think about htis more.....maybe it's just my idealist naive side coming out again.
  

• uniquely-ironic said on Jan 16, 2009....

  It's different if the line of thought is because a person doesn't have a certain job that they're somehow unworthy of love.  If a person is supporting themselves and in a position to provide love it should be a non-issue. 
   
  If on the other hand they're hoping that you will pitch in to create a lifestyle that's a real problem.

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  it's a part time job.....but doesn't pay all the bills......and he thinks that to be in a relationship with me he needs to be able to support me AND all my kids financially.
  i'm not expecting that at ALL.
  

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  hmmmm, come to think of it.....our relationship didn't start getting difficult until he lost the job he had when we first met.
  he'd been in that position for 6 years.
  after that he's had a lot of trouble finding a permanent position.
  

• uniquely-ironic said on Jan 16, 2009....

  okay, I'm getting a clearer pictures.  First, I do admire that he has the right attitude and ethics about being in a relationship.  He wants to support you, which is downright wonderful.  However, real life needs to intrude on his idealistic thoughts.  If you were to both pitch in it might be possible to support the whole gang.  Meanwhile he could keep an eye out for more or better work. 
   
  Have you introduced the idea of a couple being a team rather than a provider/dependant arrangement?  I know when I first got married I was making more than my ex, but we both worked hard and eventually we became more financially stable.

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  wow.....i never thought of him as being an idealist.
  that puts a new point on it.....
  
  i'm an idealist too.....and not usually a very realistic one.
  

• uniquely-ironic said on Jan 16, 2009....

  well, try not to let being idealistic ruin your reality.  It's something I've had to really work with over the past few years.  Had to let go of that perfect ideal and accept the reality that was handed to me without it destroying my ego.

  Is what he does so highly specialized that it's taking 6 years to find another job? or is it that he won't settle for an imperfect but steady job?  This could be a really big red flag.

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  he's a graphic designer.
  there is a glut of graphic designers in the area ....and very few jobs available.
  

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  he hasn't been unemployed all this time........but every job he's gotten the company he's working for ends up downsizing within a few months....and last hired, first laid off.

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  the last interview he had was for a gas station attendant.......which he is much overqualified for.....so he won't likely get that position either....because with his resume they know he'll be looking for something better and will leave as soon as he finds it.

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  don't ask me why i'm responding 3 times every time you post......i don't know the answer. :P

• Hegemone said on Jan 16, 2009....

  While I do think it's important for a guy to have a job of some sort, there are certain aspects to it.  Being in between jobs is one thing.  Also, if he is unwilling to accept help in finding a job, or just unwilling to find a job, then that's a no go.  If he takes the offer for help in finding a job and really works at it, then I wouldn't have a huge problem with that.  I mean, it's not all bad as long as it's completely clear that it isn't an open ended unemployment with no intentions of changing it.  Otherwise, I do see what you're saying ... if you have love, if you trust each other, if you're devoted, then that shouldn't matter ... UNLESS he doesn't want a job or help finding one.  Then that just makes me think that he is still a little too immature to be out in the dating world.

• diabolicdame said on Jan 16, 2009....

  Fallyn I think that could be a major hang up for him.. possible thats the main reason why he's holding off.. maybe you need to explain to him the team-work thing like uni says.. but men are stubborn..

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  oh...and uni....it wasn't 6 years to find another job.....he had the same job for 6 years.....it's been about a year and a half since that job ended.....he's had several jobs since then...but has ended up laid off every time. he's had interview after interview.....so he's definitely looking.
  the harder he looks....the more times he's rejected the more he seems to withdraw.
  

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  hege , i guess that last was kinda a response to you too....he's definitely looking for work....and employable......he hasn't been fired for poor work performance.....it's just been bad luck.
  being employed just before they realize they need to cut back....etc.
  
  diabolic. he is stubborn. and he must be the type of guy that needs to do it all.
  

• diabolicdame said on Jan 16, 2009....

  Yeah.. the more I read the more I get the feeling it might be a main issue for him.. I think maybe once something stable comes through things will look a lot better for you two!!

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  i don't know....i'm just tired of being on this emotional rollercoaster.

• diabolicdame said on Jan 16, 2009....

  Yeah I can understand.. I'd be too.. I wish there was something I could do to ease your troubles.. these fluctuating love situations can be so hard and painful!! I'm sending you lots of good thoughts.. I've been where you are and it sucks.. really does.. but with time, it worked out for me.. maybe you can see some hope in that..

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  diabolic..... :P i'm getting tired of being pollyanna.

• Hegemone said on Jan 16, 2009....

  Ah well Fallyn, that's no fault of his own then.  I'm thinking your guy is a little too worried about it, he's over stressing himself, throwing himself into depression over the stereotypical "not being able to be a man and have a job", which in turn is upsetting you.  I'd just help him with the job front in the politeness, least pushy way possible.  Maybe if you hear about a job here and there that would be good for him, push it his way nicely (although if he'll feel hurt and offended, stay away from doing this).  I'm sorry that this all seems to be like such a catch 22 scenario.  I wish I could help in some way.

• Fallyn said on Jan 16, 2009....

  i'm just ranting about it here....cause i don't feel like just gushing on and on about it actually too him....that would be disastrous.
  
  he'll take all the help he can get in finding a job....unfortunately....i'm not in an area where he needs to have a job at...so i can't help him.
  it's all just very frustrating.....and i really appreciate the responses.......but i don't expect anyone here to actually have an answer.
  
  UNLESS.......*laughing* someone on SC knows of a decent job for a graphic designer.....or ANY other position around the Seattle WA area.
  
  

• Hegemone said on Jan 16, 2009....

  Heh, see you had me until you mentioned the Seattle WA area, I can't do anything for ya there.  If you were closer it could be possible, maybe, to see about working something out.  Either way, I know you're just getting it out of your system here, I fully understand the need to do that.  I'm glad that you feel you can come here and talk.  Hope you're well Fallyn.

• dyingman said on Jan 17, 2009....

  Everything.
  
  Offer all you can.
  Excel at what you wish. 
  
  Works for both sexes.
  
  Become more physically fit
  Develop a challenging hobby
  Read good books
  Travel to remarkable places
  Work towards a promotion
  Write poetry or the great American novel.
  Find interesting recipes and learn to cook them or try to duplicate your favorite dish at the local dive or franchise.
  Volunteer at a charity or a political cause that interests you
  
  
  Turn off the TV / video games and all sorts of time for the rest becomes possible.
  Electronics have become our friends and many don't realize that this has happened.  Dead things make lousy companions.
  
  
  

• queenparanoia said on Jan 17, 2009....

  youre making a lot of point fallyn... i wish your guy could see that before it's too late.

• PieterOpie said on Jan 21, 2009....

  What can I offer a woman?  Let me seeeeeee......... hmmmm.........
  
  A non-judgemental and good friend,  a shopping companion, a decorator, advisor in all things stylish and fashionable, a brilliant listener, a funny humour filled pal who will make you laugh, a gossip, someone who can express his feelings, someone in touch with his feminine side, extremely good-looking, a dancer like a person born on the dance floor, an sympathetic ear and life experienced, a wizz with my hands when it comes to making arty and crafty stuff - handy at all kinds of occasions,  a handyman, a Mr Fixit, a good driver, a good mind and very worldly, intelligent, dapper, cultured, classy....... and much much more.
  
  Is that enough or do you want someone who'll fuck you too???
  

• Fallyn said on Jan 21, 2009....

  *laughing*
  sounds like a good best friend.....but yeah....i like sex.
  

• PieterOpie said on Jan 21, 2009....

  Well, you can't have everything honey cheeks, I'm as queer as $3 note.......
  
  hee hee heeeheeeeeeee heeeee heheheeee Weeeeeeee!!!!  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
  (runs shrieking into the night....)
  

• Fallyn said on Jan 21, 2009....

  *grin* i kinda figured that.  .....they just don't make straight guys perfect do they.
  ;)
  

• PieterOpie said on Jan 22, 2009....

  Sure they do.  I have slept with a few in my time.  They were pretty damn close.
  
  However,  in that strict sense.... as in "perfect for you", no, they don't make those.  They only make them "perfect for somebody else".
  
  Very few women (and gay men) end up with the apparently perfect man.  They all too often seem to belong to someone else.  That is why I suggest trying someone else's to discover that they too weren't perfect either.
  
  Why is that?  Because we spend too much time dwelling on what we want and not enough time forgiving imperfections.  None of us is perfect. Men already have got so much going against them in that regard.  Many of them think they are god's gift to women (and men.... don't ask now) and they are spoiled by mummy and far too many of them go from her clutches and land in the expectant clutches of a woman who wants perfection.  It is a recipe for disaster.
  
  Add to that a modern reluctance to tolerate bullshit; abundant in most relationships built on high expectations and people rush to the lawyers and hope to try again after a suitable period of recuperation - about two weeks.
  
  Attempt number two is less successful than the first. 
  
  On the other hand those who can accept a flawed mate and those who can handle working through difficulties may last longer.
  
  People are not commodities.  They don't come with a guaranty.  You can't take them back and let's face it, promises made at the alter don't mean shit.  A point worth remembering.  If a partner plays up on you - oh well.  Who do they love?  That is what counts.  Humans are sluts.  Too many marriages end because vanities were scratched when one fools around. 
  
  In the world today marriage places a great deal of stress on a relationship. 
  
  But what the hell would I know?  I've never been married.  I have been in an open relationship though.  To date it has lasted 35 years. 
  
  
  JEEEEZUSSSS.... what a rave.  
  
  [color=red] Note: to be taken with a grain of salt.  Use only as material for debate. NOT FOR THE USE BY MINORS.  Possibly illegal in the USA. [/color]
  

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