So many thoughts. Nowhere to say them. Nowhere to put them. Nowhere to feel them. Try so hard to do right not wrong. Is there even a right or a wrong. Why. Just once I wanted to be more. In any way. Never was. You protect others. Not me. Why. I never wanted sacrifice. Real love doesn’t feel like sacrifice. So why did it to you. What does that mean. Happiness. I am me. Only me. Not perfect. No angel. mistakes. I have to stand and live beside me and my choices. You cant. only count on myself for that. I knew that once. Im sorry that I expected that. You don’t have to. They aren’t yours to deal with. You cant. You said. Why do you blame me for realizing that. It was important to how I felt. Its not your fault you cant.  I always give that. To everyone. I understand. Always. And forgive it. why. Why do I have to do that. Is it really impossible for someone to stand with me. I will promise to stand with them. Always. It felt a turning point. A realization. I needed that. Im sorry. Crushed. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I still believe. No reasons though. Just heart. Cant share that. Don’t know how. I feel like its only a wish. Not real. I wished. One day I wished to see something. From you. In the open. Once. Doing what you do for everyone else. No more grouping me. Saying in one way or another im different. Not just one of a couple great friends. One day. One day recently. I wished to see. The same. Only how you missed me. Or how it felt to lose me. Selfish of me. You cant. Because I’m invisible. Except to few. They know. But you also tell them mostly bad. Because you talk to others when im bad. Share with them my badness. Stupid really to care. But I do. Makes me want to run away. It hurts. I feel the pressure to leave. Because you shared my personal fuck ups. I know why. Not mad. But it affects me. Cant change it. cant hide it. makes me feel defeated. Go from where im unwanted. You have people. You confide. About me. I could. Chose not to. Private. I can internalize though. I understand. But I can not stand being judged. I feel it. I wonder about it. I do not fight that. I just leave it be. Walk away. Hate feeling I need to explain myself. They know too much. You showed them too much of me with only your face not mine. I retreat. I close up. only you mattered. Now there are more to contend with. I don’t want or like that. I wish it were different. Its too late on that now.  More reason to disappear. I don’t want to feel that way. But maybe its better. I don’t know why I wished. Relief and pain come with silence. Why. Im trying to go back to what I left behind. I have more than you know. You think ive moved on. Cant begin to explain it to you. Conflicted. I try. I try to say something. Just no words. no words. don’t know. I made two wishes. Two conflicting wishes. In a wishing well.  Two pennies. Thrown into the water. For you. Two pennies. Two wishes. All hurt. I cried. My tears fell into the water. What do tears mean in a wishing well.