When ever I am sad, the VERY first person that comes to mind is my mom. When I am happy and I want to share good news, I think of my mom.
But my mom left March 24th, 1998. That's a very long time. Too long. And like so many others who lose a loved one, I never got the opportunity to tell her I loved her. That is sucha a horrible feeling. It seems to make the loss feel that much more deep.
Mom was such a good woman. She grew up with a very strict mother, and very loving father. Her Dad wasn't around, he was self employed in a very busy business. Her mom, had to have the best of the best, keep up with the Jones', as the saying goes. That also included her kids. And this behaviour from Mom's Mom? Well, it could have very well been the reason that my Mom was chronically depressed all of her adult life, a prescription drug addict, and her brother a full blown alcoholic. I suppose I do come by my own issues naturally. (I am bipolar, food and possibly a prescription drug addict??)
My Mom was ALONE when she passed away. The cororner or ME said that her cause of death was an overdose. Had to be accidental?? There was no note. She was only 56. It's the being ALONE that I have the issue with, and it just tugs at my heart stings even now, after all this time. So many times I have put myself into her bedroom, in her overcrowded apartment to try to feel what she was feeling when she left. Am I sick for doing this? I can't help it, I feel the NEED to feel...
I pray she is somewhere better...pain free, drug free and smiling. This is what I hope. Will I ever get to see her again? Can she hear when I talk to her when I am all by myself?
I love you Mom.
