I knew it was coming. I have been waiting for forever. I have written about it, fretted about....finally the end was near. After several years of separation we finally decided to get this thing finalized. For the love of Pete....we have drug it out too long. All along we have remained amicable.....I am so proud of how we have handled a bad situation. We have done the best we could for the kids. We still like each other......just can't live with each other. So....everything was done...just waiting for finalization. Wasn't quite sure how that was going to happen.
I knew that once everything was final I would feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and I could truly begin living again. (right? isn't that what's suppose to happen?)
The past months have been wonderful. I am in love and am loved back. He is such a wonderful man. I have so many moments of joy......once upon a time I never thought I would find my joy again. But joy I have found....and along with it came a sense of peace.
But I needed to finalize things.......
So......I just waited.......
Well, yesterday I got the mail. There was a letter that looked like it could be it. I inhaled deeply.
I waited til I got into the house to open it. I remember thinking....ok....how are you going to be with this. I opened and read......
DIVORCE.....And now this day of this month of this year, it is ordered and decreed that this one and that one are divorced from the bonds of matrimony.
Simple like that.
So what did I do? I sat down and cried a river........right there in my living room I sat and cried.
I cried for the pain I have caused my children, for the failure I can't help but feel, for the pain my ex must have felt when he read those words.
All I ever dreamed of as a little girl was to marry, have children and live happily ever after. I grew up in a middle class family....but we were so rich with love. My parents had a fairytale relationship.....that is what I wanted. What they had.
Today I have kind of retreated to a place of quietness. A place where I can just process. I know I will work through this and move on. I was just so surprised by my reaction......but in a way I think it speaks to the person I am. I spent 18 years of my life with this man....had two children with him. It is only natural to feel some kind of pain....right?
All day long this song has been playing in my head.......its strange, I know.....but I think it is because it takes me back to a time when my dreams were in front of me. My parents were in love, love, love. My mom was a Glenn Campbell fan. I remember my dad buying her this record and the two of them dancing to it. I remember then, watching as a little girl......knowing.....someday I want that.
Maybe someday I will have that. Who knows what surprises tomorrow may bring.
Thanks for the read!
Jen
