Name that man there,
that chillith with the peaceful;
The duderino.

     I straight up loathe those mindless forwards that some people feel sooo compelled to send (and resend) weekly, daily, hourly. Rarely are they clever, rarely are they insightful. The ones that are slightly clever or insightful, in no way make up for the countless others that are complete shit. Sure, I can kind of see, if your sending them simply to keep in touch with a distant pal. But what's stopping you from sending a legitimate email, friend?

     Anyway, I get this from my girlfriend a while ago. The first (and last) forward she has ever sent me. This one got me on a bad day, I found it, as a male, extremely offensive and sexist. "It's funny cause it's true." she says to me. 9 Words That Women Use is absolutely no better than a bad stereotypical racist joke (albeit it is slightly toned down). It's total sexist crap hiding conveniently under the guise of humor.

    How would she feel if the tables were turned? I shortly thereafter took it upon myself to rewrite the garbage into something that had some substance. To showcase the double standard that all the people who were on the forwarding list were rubbing in my face. Without delay, the replies started coming. "You're a sexist," "You're a pig". FUCK YOU, LADY!! You're the sexist. Excuse me for poking at your untouchable feminist idealism!! Sucketh my cocketh you wench! My girlfriend was the only one that actually turned out to get some kicks from it, god bless her.

So without further delay, here it be. The original and my much more expertly written sequel.

9 WORDS WOMEN USE  

             
(1) Fine:  This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.  
 
(2) Five Minutes:  If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.  
 
(3) Nothing:  This is the calm before the storm.   This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.  
 
(4) Go Ahead:  This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!   
   
(5) Loud Sigh:  This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.   (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)  
 
(6) That's Okay:  This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.    
 
(7) Thanks:  A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.   DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").
 
(8) Whatever:  Is a woman's way of saying F@!K  YOU!
 
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:  Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true

Okay, HERES THE CREAM FILLIN! This is what I sent (in entirety) to all the people responsible for this piece of shit ending up in my inbox.

"The 9 words thing was total sexist crap. after reading it i wrote this. The last person on earth that knows what a chick is trying to say, is the chick. Therefore i have graciously translated what the words really mean, not just the way that they are perceived by the lesser sex. (Their perception being nothing more than jumbled words bouncing back and forth in their heads, between important things like how to make sandwiches and do laundry.)

1. FINE - This is the word women use when they lose any argument. It makes them feel like they are defining some sort of rational conclusion.

2. Five minutes - Women are completely incapable of comprehending and completely incapable of conceiving anything related to time. Let alone anything that deals with space-time relationships. When she says something time related, just nod or smile. That sandwich will be ready soon and that's all that's important.

3.Nothing. Granted, nothing = something. However, that something is most likely boring unimportant bullshit. Ignore it, like a rash if you pick at it, it will just get infected. As long as she's not pregnant or about to die there is no reason that she has to talk any longer and waste more of the day.

4.Go ahead - this is a classic "test phrase". she is testing your masculinity. Therefore do something totally crazy just to prove the point that you were going to do whatever you wanted to do in the first place, and that the little extra bit of craziness was thrown in just for trying to test you.

5. The "Loud Sigh" - Women are less evolved and therefore never developed a distinction between sighing and moaning. If you hear a loud sigh she is about to have an orgasm. Watch out, don't let her get any drool or juices on your carpet or xbox controllers.

6.That's okay - She's cool with whatever your going to do. She knows the man makes all the important decisions and she concedes rightly in this specific area. Now is a good time to get her to clean up a bit, it reinforces the training.

7.Thanks - You probably just gave her an orgasm. No need to say you're welcome. she should be happy you even allow her the pleasure of sucking it. "Thanks a lot" means it was probably a pretty big orgasm. once again no you're welcomes needed, she knows that the preceding act is the only thing that gives her existence any real meaning. (Babymaking that is, i didn't want to spell it out, but if they can read they probably didn't understand.)

8.Whatever - Once again she is outwitted, she has no rebuttal so she spits out this gem. Dont feel good, it's like beating a guy with one leg, and cerebral palsy, at a game of Operation. At this point in the conversation she just wants the last word for some sense of accomplishment. let her have it and end the discussion, she was probably talking while the tv was on anyway.

9.Don't worry about it, I got it - She bitches and bitches and finally does it herself. THANK GOD! You my friend have successfully trained your woman. This is the culmination of the relationship. This is her will breaking and her final acceptance of her role in the relationship. If you've reached this point drink a beer in the name of victory... and then ask yourself why you're not enjoying that beer with a sandwich and then put her training into practice!!

-Midnite