here i am  wondering again what went wrong.. even though in the middle of it.. while it was going on.. there were several times i was unsatisfied and saw it ending eventually.. even distancing myself emotionally on my own accord.. but also there were times of great light and beauty and sex majik and tenderness, and believing.. and love.  and yet.. here i am .. put through the washer.. feeling left out in the cold.. because in the final end, it was he who decided to leave.  not me.  who knows if it had been me if i would still feel this longing and saddness and desire for reconnection.. when i love someone, i never want it to really end, even if i go through times where i see it in my mind's eye.  between the spiraling or uncertainty there is always a love and hope.  and this bird's wings have been broken and i am in utter pain and saddness. i could have done it differently, i could have opened myself more but left more of myself hidden.. balanced my emotions, thoughts, and words in such a way to keep him.  in love.  in love   in love.  the pain, oh the pain in loss.