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mOOn platOOn wall fly: LUNCH WITH THE PRESIDENTS

On Wednesday, 3 former presidents, the current president and the next president had lunch together. Here is the official transcript of that lunch.

OBAMA: I was really hopin’ for some words of wisdom from my predecessors. What’s the best advice you guys can give me?

CARTER: If you have to deal with hostage situations, don’t let the situation hold YOU hostage.

CLINTON: Forget interns. Presidents have to stick to movie stars. And do not give Michelle government responsibilities.

W: Order pizza on Saturdays. Saturday’s the regular chef’s night off.

BUSH: Keep your kids out of politics. Especially if one of them is “special.”

OBAMA: Hey! Hey! What’s the scoop on the UFOs and the whole alien thing? I can’t wait to see Area 51!

W: Hell, boy, they don’t let presidents go to Area 51! Dang do you have a lot to learn. [Laughs heartily].

BUSH: Er, yes, that’s right.

CLINTON: Riiiiight.

OBAMA: But…but there are aliens, right? I mean, we must get to see the bodies…?

W: [Laughs maniacally] Whoooooo man! Jeez, Barack, do you believe everything in the National Enquirer? What do you think? I’m a Lizard Man? Heh heh!

BUSH: Er, right. No aliens.

CLINTON: Riiiiight.

CARTER: This is stupid. He’s only got, what, six days left to be President? Who cares if he finds out now? Nobody’s payin’ attention to him any more.

W: Don’t talk about me like I’m not here. You always like to do that, ya peanut farmer.

BUSH: George, show some respect to President Carter.

W: Dad! Why didn’t you make ‘em tell me about the UFOs? What do I have to do to get your approval? I fuckin’ killed Saddam Hussein – no offense “Hussein” heh heh – and alla his kids, too! Least you could do is let me have the nuclear button box for the last few days…

OBAMA: Holy shit. You mean you guys kept stuff from Dubbya that other presidents all know about?

BUSH: Are you shitting me? Presidents don’t know everything. Hell, there’s all sorts of shit that democrat Presidents never hear about…

CARTER: Oh yeah, Mister CIA, James Bond and John Adams all wrapped up in a Bush.

CLINTON: Can’t we all just get along?

OBAMA: Who are you, Rodney King? [Silence] It was a joke.

CLINTON: Listen, what’s really scary about bein’ President is…how the hell do you top that? Plus, it’s scary as hell when you get to see how back-asswards everything actually is. I’m tellin’ ya, man, we’re flyin’ by the seat of our pants…

OBAMA: What does that mean, anyway? “Seat of our pants?” Pants don’t fly. Ohhhh….

W: Man! And you’re gonna save the world? [Chuckles, shoulders jumping]

CARTER: Might not seem so scary if you weren’t so busy getting blow jobs during office hours –

CLINTON: Yeah, maybe then I could’ve surrendered the spirit of America to a gang of kidnappers in Iran?

OBAMA: Whoa! Jimmy! Bill! You guys are freakin’ me out!

CARTER: Are we on a first name basis? I thought we just met.

OBAMA: What? Oh my God. You guys are really disappointing me. You guys are ex-Presidents of the United States –

W: Nuh uh uh uh uhh - ! Or almost – heh –

OBAMA: - And, and here you are acting like –

CLINTON: Like it’s not gonna be as much fun as you thought it would be? Oh boo hoo. Listen, not everyone sucks up to you just because you’re President. You have to sift out the suckers.

W: Look, Barack, we were chosen by God to be the Presidents. We’ve got nothin’ to do with it. Just relax and enjoy the ride. What’s for dessert?

OBAMA: I think I lost my appetite.

CARTER: Let’s go out and get the pictures over with. I’ve got a house I’m working on.

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