• puff said on Jan 09, 2009....

  Hi jess, First i wanna congratulate you on two years sober on crystal meth, pretty hard drug one of the hardest to break the addiction from i heard. Im currently addicted to the use of marijuana supposely a weak drug that is not addictive, well i can tell u the way i live right now i cant imagine my bag running out i need weed to feel happiness right now im addicted to that feeling. i totally understand you when u said u put a fake smile on everyday and when u take it off you cry, I also put on a face and walk around the house like everything is fine, half the time my brain is saying just saying kill yourself. I cant help but drp a few tears for a story like yours, i feel so much of what you do in your story in mine. Sleep has become a way of getting away from everything but once i do it i just wake up with the thoughts of my dreams about crazy things. im at the point now for a long time i no i need help im just really afraid what my parents will do when they hear of the things ive done.

  I wish you the best and hope we can both figure these problems out and live happy lives, k.i.t  (keep in touch)

   

                                                       Puff  :)

• pusscat said on Jan 09, 2009....

  Hello there Jess - after the lovely things you said on my post I just had to stop by. I sure agree with what puff said about being off crystal meths for 2 years!  that's an incredible feat in itself.
  
  I would love to be able to help in any way that I can, even if it's just being an ear now and then if you'll let me.  I guess to try to understand a little more, i would like to ask some questions but I hope I dont offend you at all.  I know losing your job is a bitch at any time but don't forget that employers are always interested in people that are keen to work and don't mind the hours.  Keep an eye out for things before your job comes to an end (I bet you're doing that anyway :)
  
  Does your fella know you are lesbian?  How does he feel about it?  He sounds like a great guy who has supported you through coming off the meths, but is that reason enough to marry him?  You are so young and deserve to be happy as much as the next person.  Will you be thinking more about your sexual nature as time moves on?  I know he has been there for you and for that, yes, you are truly gateful but there will also be women out there that can support you as a partner also.  someone that loves you and whom you love back.  Just have a think about it as I'd hate to think you were marrying him just because he has been so supportive.
  
  What sort of help do you get in relation to your depression?  Anyone that has come off meths like you have should be supported.  ITs fantastic what you've done so far Jess.  Coming off drugs can cause severe depression and there aren't many who can honestly say they didn't need any help with that depression.  They don't have to be meds that leave you like a zombie either - not these days.  I am on anti depressants for life for bipolar and depression.  I work full time and take mood stabilizers too.  I don't mind being on meds if they leave me able to live my life.  don't be put off by other people's horror stories either.  There will always be those whose meds didnt suite them.  It can take time to find the right one for you but it would be worth it to get rid of those awful, suicidal thoughts.  If you've tried one doc and weren't happy, dont worry - you have every right to try another.
  
  I so want someone as young as you to find the joy that can be found in life.  With all your issues, you still took the time to come and say those lovely supportive things on my post.  That person in my books is worth a lot.  That person is worth much more than feeling as you do.
  
  I hope I haven't over stepped any marks with my questions its just that its hard sometimes isn't it to know how to help someone when we first meet them and don't know much about them.  I do hope you pop back here and let us get to know you more cos I love what I see so far :)
  
  Wish you could feel a cyber hug but here it is anyway ((((((((((( J )))))))))))
  
  pc
  

• MissDrusilla said on Jan 09, 2009....

  Hi Jess,
  
  Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts with us, and please know that there are many out there who do listen and do care, many who will often not post as they might not be sure what to say.
  
  Have you received word that you will lose your job, or is this a conclusion drawn because of the state of the economy at this time? As pc said, there are always opportunities for those willing to do the work and, unless you've heard specifically (and officially) that your role is in jeopardy, try to focus on what you have, rather than what you might (or might not) lose.
  
  One suggestion, if job loss does become imminent, is to find a volunteer/community group that you feel comfortable with and line up even a small amount of hours each week to ensure that you are still required in an environment of friendly people on a regular basis. One of the hardest times in my life was when I had been made redundant from my job and I wasn't required to be anywhere, anytime, so I tended to stay in bed, or in my apartment, on my own, which allowed me to spiral downwards.
  
  You can be thankful for a wonderful, supportive boyfriend, for certain, but don't resign yourself to marriage if you yearn for something else. Right now, he might be a rock that you need to see you through and there is nothing wrong with seeing him that way - but know that things CAN change in the future and that you can be happy in the arms of someone you truly love, even if it doesn't seem that way now.
  
  Can I ask, is there family pressure for you to marry this man? Or _a_ man? What is preventing you from following your natural urges right now?
  
  As both puff and pc said, getting off a meth addiction is huge. You talk about dreaming of snorting lines, but don't lose sight of the strength you've proven to yourself that you have, by not going there for 2 years. It's OK to still be thinking about it, dreaming about it. Getting professional support is an excellent idea, if you are not doing so already. You may not feel like it, but you are a tremendous success right now - it's that strength that's going to get you through this time, too.
  
  Everyone has times in their life that they wear a fake smile. At work, when shopping, even with family, that's ok. If you can take that smile off and show what's truly going on to just one person, you can't actually lose sight of yourself. Even if it's through this blog, or ideally with someone you trust, face to face, find _someone_ you don't have to lie to and allow it to give you some relief, some security in remembering (and embracing) who you really are.
  
  Right now you might feel as though you'll never feel better, but you can, and you will.
  
  I can relate to the space you've described, as I'm sure can many other readers. There was a time when it seemed all I did all day was cry and sleep (or try to sleep) and think about the best/cleanest/easiest ways to end my life.
  
  That was 6 years ago. It is literally a distant memory now, and the space I'm in today is immeasurably better, but I'll never forget how crippling it was at the time. I remember thinking that I'd never feel better, that I'd never be able to dig my way out and I found that to be the hardest thought to deal with.
  
  So if you can hold onto that light somewhere, the knowledge that you WILL feel better in time, then you can let go of what may or may not happen in the future and instead focus on what you need to do to look after yourself in the meantime.
  
  I hope I haven't said too much. Most important is just to know that you do have a voice and you are heard.
  
  
  Now for the patented "hippie chick" advice that I'm known for amongst my friends ;) feel free to try it or ignore it, depending on how comfortable you are with such exercises:
  
  Take a pillow, or large stuffed animal (if you have one) and hold it close. Imagine that pillow to be you, and you are now all those in the world that love you - your boyfriend, your family, your friends (including your new SC friends :)
  
  Hold yourself close in this way, as you would want to be held by others. Tell yourself what you want to be told. Talk to your "pillow self" the way you want to to be talked to by your family, your partner. Assure if that it will be ok, that you are loved and needed; that you have the strength to get where you need to be...and that it's OK to be exactly where you are right now.
  
  This is an exercise in nurturing yourself, but if it doesn't sit right, at least look for other ways to give yourself what you need - be compassionate with yourself. You deserve it. 
  
  Take care, and please keep us posted.
  
  Hugs,
  Dru xx
  

• PieterOpie said on Jan 10, 2009....

  You must continue what you have done here.... reach out for help.  This is the first step.  You did it by yourself so you know there is actually hope out there and there is.  No doubt about it.  There are way more people out there who want to help you than there are who might not.  You have reached out and now we are here to encourage you to stretch that reach.... further out....
  
  There IS help and there IS life after depression and despair.  I have been there so I know for sure.  But you cannot do it alone - not now, so get up off your fanny and up, up and woooosh.... out the door to find that person and people who are there for you.
  
  There are hundreds of resources in the phone book, ask your doctor, ask your friends, ask the mailman..... ask for help.   JUST DO IT.
  
  
  

• JessJess8x said on Jan 12, 2009....

  Puff:  Thanks for the support, I know what you mean.  I started on Weed, then moved to Meth.  It was a very slippery slope for me, and I hope it isn't for you. 
  And for me...  It's not so much that I'm afraid of if my parents find out what I've done, I'm worried that they'll figure out what i am.  It's terrifying.  It's very comforting talking to someone i can relate to.  Thank you.
   
  PussCat:  Thank you for the praise, and the kind words.  As for the job thing, I'm definitely keeping my ear to the ground, but theres not much to hear right now unfortunately.  As for the lesbian issue I'm afraid I didn't explain at all.  I've ammended that in my next blog.  That answers all of your questions about that.  I am not in any sort of counseling.  I sometimes wish that I were but I have no insurance and, well lol no money either.  It's very difficult for me to be this honest about my feelings face to face.  You'll never over step any boundaries with me.  You made me smile so big. =)
   
  MissDrusilla:  Thank you so much for stopping by.  I just want to say that your 'hippy chick' excersize gave me one of the best cries I've had in ages.  It was the good tears, I felt a lot better afterwards, I truly thank you.  I haven't officially gotten the boot from my job, but it's a sure thing.  I haven't gotten any hours in two weeks, and every business in my area is firing.  So it's certain.  And the pressure is definitely to marry A MAN but I'll also direct you to my next blog for more information because it's far too much to type here...  And it's something I'm just not very comfortable talking about yet.  Thank you love.
   
  PieterOpie:  Thank you for your inspirational words...  You make it easier to reach out.  It's very hard to admit some of these things, thanks for your support.

• PieterOpie said on Jan 30, 2009....

  Hello again,  I was wondering how you were coping.  How have you been feeling about what you said originally? 
  
  I hope you're doing much better. 
  
  Warm regards, Pieter
  

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