Ok some background. I'm 20, male, and a little fucked up. I come from a broken family that tried very hard to pretend like it was not. I'm clinically bipolar, but I haven't seen a therapist or taken meds for 8 months. Commonly available drugs are a part of my daily life. I've pushed almost all of my friends away, either by just stopping talking to them or by various twisted machinations of my psyche. I grew up on Long Island, and went to a few years of college at U-California Irvine, before the shit really hit the fan.
However, I haven't quite given up the fight yet, but I fear that it's only a matter of time before my morals and my optimism degrade into a pile of rags in an alley.
There's a girl named Yoshi. She was a friend of a friend, then was my friend, then I lived with her for like a month before I ran away. Long story. We were never actually 'together', but looking back on it, I acted like we were. Some vague memory of common decency tells me this is 'taking advantage' of someone. Oops.
Well after thinking about h ... scratch that, my hindsight is painfully 20/20 ... after obsessing over her for three months, she invites me on a snowboarding trip, and I drop everything (everything) to go. Four days later I'm a wreck, but maybe I can come through stronger somehow.
Yoshi's friends are awesome. Russians, the lot of them, and a more jovial and caring example of what 'family' should mean I can't think of. This insight into her life leaves me feeling good for her. She will never need.
The thing is, that takes away any value I have to her. I have been out-classed, out-drank, out-ballsed, out-russianed and out-manned.
I can't keep writing about the negative, my mind simply will not let me, so perchance we'll venture into the realm of wild optimism for a minute.
I know now, she does not want me. What's so good about that? The fact that it is the most important thing in my mind right now reveals that all I want is someone who wants me! A simple realization, but profound in it's own way, and anything true is something I can use to anchor myself to reality and distract myself from the wails of obsession and insanity.
The next bit of sanity I can pull from this is founded in Family Guy, where I first heard Stewie use the phrase, "Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch." I'm going to turn it around, unfairly, on her, so I can sleep at night. Bitch. Her male friends were just thugs with no soul and her girl friends were brainless bimbos. Sure, I'm inferior, but in what?
So now that I have an anchor point and a way to twist it so that the object of my obsession is no longer the most important thing in the world and attention is back on me ... now what? Do I wake up tomorrow, go jogging, eat right, go back to school, find a job and a place to live, quit the drugs, and start the social movement that returns integrity to the american state?
Well I don't see why not, but I just don't think I'll be able to do it alone is the thing. I'd take advantage of anyone who would try to help me though, it's just who I am. Womanizer. Tool. Psychopath. Bipolar. Useless.
So do I push myself into mania for the second time in two weeks to make a grand plan detailed enough to stick to? Do I write myself rules? Do I try to rediscover a lost passion? Do I just take off again, and spend my life on the run from myself? Do I stick to what I said I'd do in my last mania, even though it would be taking advantage of another of my friends? Kill myself? Hmm?
All I feel I can do is have faith ... and I fucking hate faith. Atheism ftw.
P.S. I will want to show this to Jenn, but a warning to you: don't consider yourself immune from my subconscious. Though it will probably be more transparent than it would be if I was in a more stable emotional state, I can still probably charm you into believing bizzare and untrue things, that I've loved you all along, that we're meant to be together, that I could be good for you ... if only you help me in whatever 'small way' some side of me determines would be the best way to keep me near you long enough to hurt you. Or, is this late night brain-dump showing me a freudian slip? Or have I actually been editing this whole entry to make myself or you believe it?
P.P.S Or Sohaib, but I would take advantage of you in a similar way, by playing to your dreams of grandeur. But honestly at the same time I want to make my life everything it can potentially be, not just scrape by, and I feel that same spirit in you. Oh my god though, I totally thought through that line of consiousness a few days ago, but do I mean it?
P.P.P.S. Or Joon ... all I can say is bike dreams. You've got a head on your shoulders though, if any of us do ... NOOOO that flattery is just what I was talking about! AHHHH!!!!!!
P.P.P.P.S. Or Sarah or Vinny, though they're already on their guard, or Eric, Dave, Tom, Kevin, Katie, Stacy, Dan, Debbie ...
