Back in the days when a mouse was a tiny furry creature and surfing was done on water I was entering the first grade. Big days those, and I was introduced to something in numbers that was a bit overwhelming - girls. I was a shy little waif, or it seemed that way at school. I felt abandoned and alone in a new world.
But it didn't take long as I remember to add to the list of the women in my life. Lets see, there was my mother, my grandmother, the wife of the man we rented from and three aunts. Enter now a voluptuous (I didn't know that word then) blonde with an enrapturing (I didn't know that word then either) smile and deep (I knew that word) light brown eyes that were almost gold.
I didn't know how to handle this, nor did I know what was happening to me. I was 'touched' for the first time. So I went to the only person I knew who could explain things clearly and that was my mother. It was a ridiculous attempt to try and describe what was happening, so it involved a lot of giggling. Wise one that she was, after a few minutes she smiled wide and exclaimed "awww, you have a girlfriend!"
A life changing event had occurred, so the next day at school was serious business. I didn't know how to act with 'a girlfriend'. So the likely thing to do was make myself known. Anyway, after showing off like a fool and talking to her a lot (at least I didn't pull her hair) she got the message. I know for a fact sitting here right now that I actually loved that girl.
Her name was 'J' and I was around her at two elementary schools until the sixth grade. She was in about half my classes, cheered me on in sports (stupid recess and lunch hour games), and we were together on field trips and such. I have no idea why I never followed her home or asked to go to her house, but didn't for whatever reason. Nevertheless, she was a light of my life during that time.
Then came our split. There were two junior high schools in my hometown which included the seventh through ninth grade. 'J' went to the other one across town. I asked people about her but the ones I asked knew nothing. I didn't see her once in those three years. Although the town was small, it had a population of around 20,000 and was ten miles end to end, I should have seen her. She very well could have moved to a ranch without a phone far as I knew.
When I went into the tenth grade and high school I was still thinking about her. The first day there, we went into an auditorium type room for orientation. I was sitting at a desk and someone sat beside me and put their arms around me. It was 'J'. My God, but she was beautiful. It took a few minutes for me to be able to follow her words (high blood pressure). Since she was telling me what happened to her during that time, I still don't know.
At the end of that wonderful visit, she dropped a bomb on me. She was quitting school shortly and getting married. We talked a while about that and I lost her again, but never stopped feeling for her.
Fast forward and I'm twenty-one and at a bar at the edge of town with a friend. I look up at the waitress and its 'J'. I went there numerous times just to see her. She had two children and was divorced. She asked me several times to take her out. I was going steadily with another girl and we of course had "the agreement". 'J' was genuinely disappointed and I've never been more disappointed in my life, but I wouldn't cheat on the other girl. I lost her again.
Ok, fast forward once more close to a century, meaning this last summer. I had still always thought of 'J', I still had feelings for her. On one of the many visits I made due to my mother's passing, I was at a best friend's house on the front porch drinking coffee. Across the street is a grocery store and a man came over. He was a high school friend to us, had retired and was working at the store and living in my hometown.
He was full of information of what had happened to many of our school buddies. Many had died and I was almost afraid of asking the question. He knew 'J' well as I did so I asked about her. He said it had been a long time since he'd heard of her, but last word was she had become a prostitute in a small mountain resort town in New Mexico. This saddened me greatly. He hadn't heard of her remarrying, so perhaps getting by with a ninth grade education couldn't support her, I have no idea.
The strange thing about this was that I had heard thirty years ago she was living in that resort town working at a restaurant-bar. I had made several visits to the town because my step-father had a cabin there and I looked for her at those bars. Perhaps I looked on the wrong shift.
I will still go to my hometown and ask about her. I still go to that resort town and I'll look for her. Now, I just want to know what happened to her, to know she's ok.
I'm thinking about her. That's why I'm writing this.
Its 3 AM. and Its how I began the new year.
beyondtheveil posted on Jan 01, 2009
| views: 363
Comments
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queenparanoia said on Jan 01, 2009....
awwww.... just one of those what ifs in life... happy new year beyond... and i hope this new year she'll be okay...
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kruuyai said on Jan 01, 2009....
Wow, beyond, what a sad story... but inspiring, too, because I'll bet that she has no idea that you still think about her, and it just goes to show that, no matter how rough life gets, we are still cherished in the thoughts of others, whether we know about it or not. I'd like to think about that when I'm feeling alone. :) -
MissMimi said on Jan 01, 2009....
And you said you couldn't write. Fiddlesticks! I notice you wrote this in the wee hours when it feels like you're the only one awake in the whole world. That's usually when I find the writing muse too.I'm sure you saw in her what made her a special precious being. It's sad how life circumstances conspire against us and keep us from realizing our own specialness. I hope she finds happiness.Happy New Year, beyond. -
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Jan 01, 2009....
You always bring vivid images in my mind, awaken emotions and memories in me with your words, beyond.
I do hope you find word about J.
Happy New Year, beyond!
<3
paper ~
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silver_phoenix said on Jan 01, 2009....
beyond- this makes me sad. try and focus on happy thoughts! -
Lucytorial said on Jan 01, 2009....
Sometimes the timing in life is all toppsy turvy, wonderng doesn't help when we think what if? what it does though is show us just how very deely people can affect us, how deeply some people root themselves into our hearts.Shows me you have a very deep heart. ♥ -
mobil said on Jan 01, 2009....
Great life story Beyond, those little girls grow up along side us and in the blink of an eye we notice their growing up.I am sorry to hear for J and what happened to her, it's a life for pretty girls, but it's an ugly one for them. -
Hegemone said on Jan 01, 2009....
How sad beyond, but yet at the same time, at least you were able to share such a bond with somebody and you've realized it. I hope that she is well, and perhaps she does not prostitute any longer and perhaps it was only a rumor. Thank you for sharing these personal, emotional thoughts. I hope you have a wonderful new year, despite feeling a little saddened so early into it. -
quietone said on Jan 01, 2009....
a very nice story beyond. I would like to hope and think she ended up like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman". I bet she would be surprised to hear you still think about her and how she is. -
pickersplock said on Jan 01, 2009....
Weird how that stuff works out isn't it?About 15 years ago, I talked on the phone with a ex-boyfriend.Let's just say, I'm very glad he's my EX! -
truthsayer said on Jan 01, 2009....
Dearest Beyond:
This beautiful story that you have told us, is a good example of why I love your heart. You are sensitive and funny, and you really care about others. I have a suggestion you know. Pray for her. Pray and call around to some local ministries in that resort town, and get them praying for her too.
Too often we sit around wishing there was something we could do, and we forget that God is everywhere...working in all of our lives, even when we, ourselves may feel weary.
Besides, you might be surprised. In towns like that, there are ministries that know those ladies very well...even if they are not "saved" yet. Even if they are not looking for deliverance and healing...or if they do not think they are looking for it. God is always sending His servants to look for them. So give Him a hand as well as your deep heart. Let them know her name and that you knew her when she was a little golden-eyed girl.
Consider this a message for you from the Lord, from another pretty golden-eyed girl, to you. Pray for her and make a few calls...even if you don't see the fruit of your prayers and calls...it still puts "positive energy" into her life. We are all interdependent, for now...you know that. : )
Happy New Year BeyondTheVeil.
Love, love, love,
Truthsayer
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truthsayer said on Jan 01, 2009....
Hi pickers! Happy New Year! T : ) -
pickersplock said on Jan 02, 2009....
LOL, same to you! -
gingersoul said on Jan 02, 2009....
BeyBey......another post of yours.....
Truth is ...life is all about timing.....
How many times we miss that appointment, that call? Or we forget to email back? Or are we simply looking to the opposite direction?
People are like boats on the ocean.....and the night is dark sometimes...but ..yet...there are people who forever keep a special place in our heart...no matter the years, the circumstances, the choices...
I have this poem framed and hung on a wall in my home...i want to share its word with you....:-)Some People
By Flavia Weedn
Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.Some people come into our lives
and quickly go...Some stay for a while
and embrace our silent dreams.They help us become aware
of the delicate winds of hope...
and we discover within every human spirit
there are wings yearning to fly.They help our hearts to see that
the only stairway to the stars
is woven with dreams...
and we find ourselves
unafraid to reach high.They celebrate the true essence
of who we are...
and have faith in all
that we may become.Some people awaken us
to new and deeper realizations...
for we gain insight
from the passing whisper of their wisdom.Throughout our lives we are sent
precious souls...
meant to share our journey
however brief or lasting their stay
they remind us why we are here.To learn...to teach...to nurture...to love.
Some people come into our lives
to cast a steady light
upon our path and guide our every step
their shining belief in us
helps us to believe in ourselves.Some people come into our
lives to teach us about love...
The love that rests within ourselves.Let us reach out to others
and feel the bliss of giving
for love is far richer in action
than it ever is in words.Some people come into our lives
and they move our souls to sing
and make our spirits dance.They help us to see that everything on earth
is part of the incredibility of life...
and that it is always there
for us to take of its joy.Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.
-
lionesss said on Jan 02, 2009....
Awwwww how sad, but you write sososo well,happy new year my friend xx -
beyondtheveil said on Jan 02, 2009....
Thank you everyone for those comments. If ever I get word about her, it surely would be posted. And ginsoul, that poem reflects perfectly how people affect our lives and oftentimes we realize this. Its also strange how I struggle to remember my best friends birthdays, but remember hers as well as my own.
Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.
That is so true, even to the point of a small gesture.
-
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Jan 02, 2009....
Gingery, that is truly beautiful poem (i love finding out about poets this way! will google) ...
...it is a relief to read words of others who articulate what one thinks, and feels but is unable to do so at certain point in their lives...i love that about SoulCast, one shares a memory, a thought, and this triggers in another memory, a feeling... in turn it affects the life of that reader if not make a difference...in a small or a big way...
and the poem by Flavia Weedn (I hope you don´t mind me putting link, dear beyond... i would like to come to it here later) describes the encounters in our personal lives and in this site..
... beyond, thank you again for sharing! i don´t think you are just chugging along in SC but you are making a difference... :)
...SC 2009 will be an exciting year
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beyondtheveil said on Jan 02, 2009....
paper - I hope you stay with us, regularly I mean. You make such a difference when you are blogging. -
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Jan 02, 2009....
blubbbiiiiiiiies beyond!
<3
:_ ) (translation : it´s me brimming with tears, i read you told Lucy, you are not keen on learning a new language at this point *giggle)
paper ~
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