Physicians throughout New England and the Atlantic Coastal States have reported a strange new virus which causes the afflicted to dress in clothing from the eighties, speak in a sultry manner, and stick Q-tips up their noses.
They have named this new illness Cussackitis, after the well known actor John Cussack.
So far, the only cure for this disease appears to be a 24 hour marathon movie session of Sixteen Candles, High Fidelity, and; strangely enough; The Big Easy, starring Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin.
Claiming responsibiltiy for the virus, Ms. Twylarants and Ms. Pickers Plock sent a letter to The Hoboken Horn which threatened, "It will get much worse, Bubs!"
In a related story, Hershey, Pennsylvania and The Folger's Coffee Plant in Cinncinati, Ohio have both disappeared.
Ms. Rants and Ms. Plock are, once again claiming responsibility.
Together, the two have stolen;
30 elements from The Chemistry Lab in Ramapo
Niagara Falls
Boise, Idaho
29 Cases of Hostess Cupcakes and Ho Hos
A 747
Hershey, Pennslyvania
and The Folger's Coffee Plant
A new list of ransom demands is expected later this evening.
