I have spent the last 22 years working to raise my boys and I am 4 months from having the last one out of the house.  Who am I now and what am I interested in?

 

My life was those boys - I loved doing that.  It was very difficult to do - hardest thing by far I have ever done but now what?  My wife was able to stay home and be with them and that was priceless. Yes we paid a financial price but it paid off in spades with the boys.  I can not imagine how they would be if day care had had to be considered.

 

My marriage did not survive.  Most couples that deal with the death of a child do not survive and had that plus.  The final straw was the stress of one of my children being diagnosed with cancer while in high school.  That did it.  My X completely shut me out of her life at that point and I could stand the isolation no longer.  Years ago I had been hospitalized with a mental breakdown and I could NOT do that again and I did not want the boys to have to deal with their father comitting suicide - so I had to leave.

 

Now I am finding that I do not know what my interests are.  For years I worked at night on the computer, learning things but that holds no appeal now.

 

How do I meet someone?  It has been over three years since the divorce and I would so very much like to meet someone that has some common perspectives on life.  Tough to do.  I'm finding that I am spending most evenings on the couch watching TV and that is the fast road to no-where, but what can I do?  I'm not good at doing new things as I get nervous and unsure of myself. 

 

My X was not femine, she preferred jeans and Tshirts but I love, absolutely being around a woman who knows that she is sexy.  She can still wear jeans and tshirts but it is an attitude I guess that I am looking for.  Simple sexy, if that makes sense.  Perfume, ear rings etc really catch my eye.

 

Does that make me shallow?  I hope not.  I have not had that up to now and at my age, I so much want it.  I want the "Wow" factor.  I want someone that makes me smile when I see them and makes me anticipate them when they are not here.  I had that with my X, but she told me over and over again "I will not think of you when I am away, until I turn the car around to come home".  That was hurtful.  I am realistic, I 'm not 15 - I know this fades after time but what is wrong with wanting your heart to jump again?

 

I did meet a lady about 15 years ago that affected me greatly.  I did not cheat on my wife either physically or emotionally, but it was very apparent that the connection between us was very strong.  It was an instant connection and because I was married, I cut it off.  Once every couple of years or so, I would run in to her and it was always just like we never left.   When the marriage ended, I looked her up and the timing was not good.  the sparks were still there but she was not in a place where the relationship could be pursued.    However, I found out that there are women how could find me attractive and I found out that I do bring alot to a relationship.  Now I'm just hoping it can happen again.

 

So, until that time, what do I do with my time?  I have checked at my church about helping seniors that need lifts around town in the evening and I hope that comes through.  I  know I need to look outside of myself and quit being so selfish but that is very hard to do.  Especially when you are depressed and stuck feelign sorry for yourself.

 

Tonight I will be having the boys and their families over for xmas dinner so that will help me get through tonight.  I have to cook for about 10 people so that is going to be a challenge.  I have done it for each family individually but now as a group - I'm not sure. 

 

More later as I have a million thoughts running around in my head.