I made the mistake getting too close to this guy. Let's just call him Antonio for now. I met him just over half a year ago, and we had chemistry as soon as our eyes met. There was tension all night as we were in this bar together with our friends. It all culminated into probably the most intense first kiss I'll ever have with a guy. It felt so good, so right. Not long after, we "consummated" our new friendship...

At the time, I was seeing a few other men. As more feelings started to develop, I warned Antonio not to get too attached as I wasn't looking for a relationship or a boyfriend of any kind. Even so, emotions got in the way. In under a month, we had formed such a strong bond that as much as I wanted to deny, I simply couldn't. I was starting to really like him, but he was not the only guy I was seeing at the time.

Just before the summer, when I was to go back home, I decided to break off everything with all the men I was seeing in Shanghai. All but Antonio. It would be the first time I'd ever honestly try to be with a guy. We discussed our feelings and what we wanted, but thought it would be best just to see what happened after the summer.

We talked all the time over MSN. We emailed each other frequently. But, we always got stuck. Neither of us really wanted to be in a relationship, but we seemed to share some strong mutual feelings. Three weeks into the summer, and a week or so before I was due to return to Shanghai, I received startling news from him through MSN: he had a girlfriend. I was in shock since he kept saying that he didn't want to be tied down, and I thought that all the time that we were spending talking to one another actually meant something.

I arrived back in Shanghai dejected, rejected, angry, and sorry for myself. When I visited the old haunts, there I saw him with his new girlfriend. Happy, holding each other, kissing. It was almost more than I could bear. To cut a long story short, (although the longer version will surely appear here at a later time), I was very upset, and wanted to cut all ties with him. However, I knew that throwing him out of my life wasn't the solution. The girlfriend couldn't handle it, and Antonio and her broke up a month and a half later.

As November wore on, I saw Antonio more and more. Again, something was rekindled, but both of us were resistant. At that point, I had already been seeing a few other guys in order to fill the void that he had created. Things were going well until last week.

In a moment of drunkenness, he said some things that he really shouldn't have announced aloud. Who knows if they were true or not, but the words mean nothing now. He told me that he wanted to be my boyfriend; did I want to be his girlfriend? He also revealed, quite frighteningly so, that if he were ever to get married someday, he would want me to be his wife. This was not a conversation that I considered lightly, but with a grain of salt, since he was inebriated at the time. It was food for thought, but as I was to find out later, it was actually just a whole lot of hot air.

On Christmas, I was supposed to spend the evening with Antonio. I went to meet up with him, but he informed me that we were not going to be able to spend time together after all. Clearly, I was annoyed, and I couldn't (and didn't want to, I suppose) hide it from his friends that were around. I have replayed it over and over and still wonder why I was so perturbed. True, he had broken plans with me several occasions before-- was that it? I had started thinking more and more of him and for him since we last talked-- was that it? In a few days, he was going to be leaving for a month, and I wanted to make sure I got to hang out with him before he left... Was that it?? I really wasn't sure, but my normal, easygoing demeanour vanished, and was replaced by a brooding, angry bitch instead.

One of Antonio's friends, Jeremy, came to the rescue. By that, I mean that Antonio was left free in the evening so that I could actually spend time with him. I was still in a bad mood, though, and Antonio knew it. He didn't really want to be around me, and said that I was starting to act like a girlfriend, and that that wasn't good. I was stunned. He had said he had wanted us to be together... but, I guess I had misunderstood. I was left flabbergasted as the night wore on.

It was an exhausting night. Definitely not one I would like to relive. Awkward, difficult, hurtful. It turned out that a girlfriend was the furthest thing from what he wanted, which I really should have caught on to earlier. Another long story short, it's been a mess after this. Obviously, we just aren't meant to be together. I've left out a lot of details because there's just too much to include, and I'm way too tired and sick of it all to write more. Antonio tends to avoid conflicts and situations where thoughtful reflection is required. Hence, I believe, his silence and relief to be away on business until February. Jeremy keeps telling me that I can do better. Maybe I can, but... What if I can't?