I am restarting my morning pages today. Moreover, I am feeling a bit empty. I have many things in my mind right now and yet I can seem to find any words to write. It’s strange though, it’s like my life is starting all over again. I’m down in the dumps again as usual. What else is new. I’ve been like this for years and nothing has changed much from what I used to be. Some things have changed for the better though. I’m living in a house that is almost mine. I’m jobless and yet I’m not worried about what the next day will bring. I don’t even worry too much anymore. It’s like getting sick has given me a better perspective. If this happened to me several years ago, I would have starved or gotten kicked out of the place I am staying at and maybe wandering the streets by now. I am still lucky and blessed and I’m very thankful for that. Life is still very good to me. It’s weird though. I’m not used to be myself being so calm like this. It’s like I’ve lost what little motivation I had and am just letting the waves bring me where they want. I am thankful, yes, but there is something nagging at the back of my head about it. I don’t even know what it is but it seems like I’m waiting for something that is just on the horizon. Waiting for something good that will happen to me very soon. That’s the trouble with gut feeling. You never know when it’s going to happen, it just will. Most of the time when you least expect it. I just hope I’m ready when it happens. Whatever it is. My dad died. Strangely enough, I didn’t feel anything that most people expect to feel when a parent dies. My mom was devastated though. It was her I was worried about. It turned out great though. Because we finally had the chance to bring her here to Manila and finally convince her to stay here with us. As usual she has conditions before she agrees. We have to prove that we are serious by raising around 50K within six months or else she will not agree to move here with us. Tough luck. Only mom will demand so much from her kids… hah. We agreed with her condition so we’ll see what happens in 5 months. I got a letter from Lola Veny today. It appears that she met a priest while she was on her way home to Hawaii. She talked to that priest about my case and surprisingly, he was willing to help me about it. It’s strange though. The letter brought back something I thought was over for me. I still want to be a priest! My God! Why am I feeling this way again? It’s like my desire to be a priest has returned full force! Why? I though I was over this desire but its back! Now what do I do? Sheesh! Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. I’m blank again. I can’t think. There’s this weird feeling in my chest, the feeling I always get when something life changing is about to happen based on the decision I will make. Sad thing is, I still have that burning desire to be an ordained priest! What do I do now? Why????? Aaaarggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! Of all the things that could happen to me why this again? I went through hell with the last one I was. I had to kiss all sorts of asses and do all sorts of things and still, they never accepted me. I had to leave. Now this happens to me again and I still want to be a priest!!!! Lola wants me to write that priest and let him know why and what happened with the previous seminary I was. Should I bare my soul again to another strange man? Should I push through with this? Is this the path that is best for me? Why does this path keep on showing up? Why does it happen that something momentous occurs just when I’m almost sure I’m going to be okay? Wait a minute, is this what I have been waiting for these past few months? Is this the reason why I felt like I was waiting for something? Oh my God! That does it. Now, I’m really scared! Waaaaahhhhh! God, your hand works in really unexpected ways. Now you have me all confused again. Ayaw mo talaga paawat ano? Bakit ako pa? Dahil ba gusto ko mag isa? O baka naman dahil gusto ko tumulong? Ewan ko. ‘di ko alam. Bahala na. One thing is for sure, I’m confused and I have to think about this really hard. This is not something that you just make at the spur of the moment. Now what? I’m blank again. Stupid letter. Sigh. I don’t even know what to do anymore. Funny though. I was complaining earlier about me drifting and it seems like I was waiting for something and suddenly here comes what I was waiting for. This major decision to go back to the priesthood. This major decision to be a priest again and pin my hopes on that life. If I go through with it, I’ll be at least 36 when I get ordained. Man, I’ll be old! Hahaha. Will they wonder about my youth when they see me? Will it be strange? I’m not gonna think about it. Cross the bridge when you get there. Hehehehe. It will be really strange though. The kind of life I wanted to live is solitary and the closest most comfortable match is priesthood. But will it be right to join the priesthood for the comfort it brings? Is it worth such an issue? I only want to join the priesthood because ideally, their lifestyle is the closest one to what I want. Plus, I get the excuse of having lots of free time to do whatever I want for myself. Prayers and stuff. Hehehehe. Haaay. What do I do? Haaay pa rin. I complain too much. I finally know what I was waiting for and now I’m complaining about it. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Haay. I have nothing else to say anymore. I’m out of words and I have no idea what to do next. Ih I have some ideas but nothing definite as to what I should do and stuff. My mind is awhirl. Stuff keeps popping off my mind. My chest feels really weird. I don’t know what will happen next. Should I ask the oracle? Maybe the fairies have some advise for me. But, what if they want me to take the chance? Waaaah. On one hand, going back to school would be very nice. I’ve always wanted to go back to school. Hehehe Should I? What should I do????? Waaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! Hmph.