It was just before midnight on the day that had been February 14th when I told SM I was staying with FH. If not for the baby, I would have fervently prayed to die as soon as I told him. It was the singularly most horrific night of my life - and probably of his.

I have never felt as soul-wrenched as I did for the next dark days. I had ripped myself apart. I had the baby to keep me going; he had nothing! Nothing save for a promise to me that he would not harm FH or himself, no matter how far down his despair and hurt spiraled.

He is as good as his word. I have no doubt that if not for that promise, he would not draw breath today.

Today...

We have gone through the stages of the grief process together, and we are still soul mates, kindred spirits, best friends, and completely in love. We are not in an emotional affair; we keep "I wish" out of the conversation these days, which mainly centers around whatever cute things my daughter is up to. She was born a month after we graduated. He was one of the very few who never shunned me as my belly gave away my secret.

We talk, too, about everything under the sun that isn't deemed improper by one or the other of us, and really there are no walls. It is beautiful and wistful and bittersweet, and usually happy unless we're discussing his future.

FH - who is now DH - and I love each other dearly too, although it is a quieter love as opposed to the epic stuff SM and I share. We have a good life together. DH hates SM, something I am working hard to change. SM bears no ill will toward DH, even though he knows DH blames him for what happened that winter. In DH's mind, SM tried to steal me and that is unforgivable. Never mind that it's untrue and I've told him as much a hundred times.

I still have my SM; I also am blessed with a wonderful husband and child. It will always tear at me that I took those very things (except the SM part) away from SM. He may or may not ever find that opportunity again. He is terrified that I am the only one he will ever love this way, and so am I, although I'd never tell him that. I will continue to put on a brave face for him and insist that he will one day have the life he so richly deserves. And I will continue to love him in the only way I can: with everything I am and ever will be, unconditionally and with vigor.

Unlike myself or DH, my daughter has piercing blue eyes.