That one guy that was one of the ones who used to beat me up when we were young is on my mind again.  It's not as bad as before, but still annoying.  Last time I thought I was in love with him.  Now I don't feel a thing towards him.  The love is dead.  I actually am relieved about it.  He's married anyway.  I don't want to be all hung up over a married man.  It's just not cool.  Anyway, I think about what happened between us and wonder if it could have been different.  On the other hand, I can't worry about it too much because I have more important things to think about.  How do I get this man out of my head?  He's not a part of my life anymore.  All of the other guys that used to beat my ass are unimportant to me.  What's so special about him that I hear an external voice that sounds like him in another state from which he resides?  I think that's why I can't forget.  I get auditory hallucinations that really sound like he is behind the trailer making comments.  Why is that?  Out of all people, why him?  I don't want that boy's voice in my head for crying out loud.  It sucks.  Hell, I heard him say I was gross.  That was when I was taking better care of myself.  I used to shower every day.  Now alot of times it's every other day.  It's not like I'm working right now.  It's not like I'm out to impress anyone.  Well, anyway hopefully the new adjustment in my medication will take care of the stupid voices that poke fun at me.  I know that I'm not the most beautiful thing in the world, but dang.  Why the hell do I go through hell?  I guess everyone has their own degree of misery in their lives, unfortunately.  Sometimes I forget that fact.  I just hate living a paranoid life due to the symptoms of my illness and past abuse.