• andora said on Dec 22, 2008....

  well hello to you darling
  
  thankyou for caring about the situation with me and my daughter
  
  it sounds like my situation with my daughter is very different than your situation with your mother.
  
  with me, it is that my oldest child (33) wants to tell me how to live my life. some years ago I gave my daughter a house to live in for free so she could continue school and get her doctorate. In the meantime we bought a farm together, yet I kept my name off of the title bc of old tax liabilities (i'm cleaning this up as we speak, but didn't want to have title problems with our family farm) anyway, long story short....recently I accepted a proposal of marriage from my lover of the past 8 yrs, when i told my daughter, she opposed my decision and pulled a major power trip upon me by telling us we could not live on the farm. My other two children and I were heartbroken that someone who claims to love us could be so brutal and controlling. It took our breath away, bc my youngest two children love my fiance with all their heart. so, in one svelt move, this girl of mine tore our hearts out and stole our dream. I will not live on my land with her after this bc I will not allow others to control me. My lover and I have been reeling from this bc we have helped her go to school etc...
  
  so, yeah I have no choice but to divorce my daughter and even if she did change her mind and stop trying to push us around, I will not share my life with her after her attempt to subjegate me to her will.
  
  so how's that for a fucked up family story - heartlessness is pandemic
  
  I do not see my daughter as disposable, however, until she takes responsiblilty for her behavior, I have no choice but to exclude her from my life.
  
  I land on my feet quite easily tho, bc my intentions are not about power or control. As a result, I went back to a beautiful piece of land that I have been reforesting for the past two years (you can see it in my 'panGasm for INFIDELS' movie'). My connection to the land cannot be controlled by the so-called 'landowners' of the world bc I can walk into the wilderness and make it mine just by cultivating the trees and plants.
  
  i guess i needed to talk about this hellbound...and yes, I've had many problems with this child of mine in the past, so at this point I am relieved to know what being partners with her on a land project would be like and fortunately i did not put years into this project before getting disillusioned. So, I am cutting my losses and moving on.
  
  aloha
  

• andora said on Dec 22, 2008....

  ps hellbound,
  
  hearing voices in your head is more normal than one would think. Acting upon voices that encourage us to harm ourselves or others is also normal....unfortunately!
  
  I am sorry that you have been marginalized by your family...your story with your mom is more like my story with my own mother. She singled me out of the 3 children in our family bc I would not conform to her ideas about religion, politics, sex, communication, honesty etc... I still have very little in common with my mother and feel more anger than love. my mother and my daughter both illicit these unresolved feelings in me, simply because they are steeped in blame and shame as a solution, rather than owning their own responsibility in the estrangement process that we are suffering from. I have always moved away from people who misuse their power to make others conform to their ideas. I am not a conformist, I am me.
  
  having a split personality comes from being forced to be other than we are. We must continually choose between being real or being acceptable. This tends to rip a personality to shreds and leaves them feeling inferior, bad, wrong, unloving, ungrateful etc...
  
  IT IS NOT WRONG TO WANT LIFE TO BE THE WAY WE WANT IT TO BE, AS LONG AS WE ARE NOT HARMING OURSELVES OR OTHERS. If your mom is mad about self-destructive behavior, then she is loving you. If she is mad bc your choices do not support her ideas about how you should be living...then she is not loving you, but is, instead living in an illusion that is unwilling to witness your true self. These types of people are dangerous, so sometimes we have to create our own family.
  
  I pray that you recieve the tender touch of understanding for Christmas dear and I appreciate you wishes for my wellbeing
  

• hellboundmercinary said on Dec 22, 2008....

  What your daughter did to you is terrible.  She should want your happiness.  She shouldn't be so selfish.  No wonder you feel the way you do.  I'd be devestated.  It makes me glad that I don't have kids.  I know how some turn out.  Selfish.  I also hate control freaks.  If that's what she wants to be, she's not going to keep anyone in her life for very long.  I hope that she wakes up for her own sake.  I'm also sorry about how things were with your mother.

• andora said on Dec 24, 2008....

  thankyou hellbound
  
  i am devastated
  
  and, i did something that i regret as i have been tossing and turning in this hell...i unfairly lashed out at someone here at Soul Cast and am feeling overwhelming levels of guilt...I understand that few people understand my process in regard to denied emotions. these waves of emotional essence is life force that i denied in the past and reveal themselves in the actions of others - who i judge harshly. Even though i am conscious of these patterns the denied emotions are not and they take me over - fortunately, I am doing these things I am ashamed of anonymously with no kicking, biting or hogwash such as that. So, this is a painful recovery process.
  
  Most folks have little understanding that if there is gross denial present when we procreate children that denial personifies itself and schools us about our own self-hatred. The mother daughter war that i write about is the bottom line where this type of self-hatred gets incarnated over and over again to the point where the men are totally confused to the point of creating endless war. I am trying to alert people of this as I, myself struggle with it in my own life to great degrees.
  
  anyway, i definately needed to discuss this and appreciate that someone who is having great struggles herself is so empathetic and kind. I was afraid to come to sc for this because i have been stirring the denial pot viciously and am well aware that folk would rather burn me at the stake than try to understand what i am really trying to say. As I said, i am just as damaged as the next sicko, yet I am taking responsibility for the imbalance by identifying it. My challenge comes when I attempt to communicate with those that harm me not to judge them...just stick to I statements. Then people just accuse me of being self-centered and egotistic. So I always cringe prior to coming here and it is my process, my healing to feel the truth of what I illicit in others. its a dark moment and being positive when you don't feel positive as an attempt to bring in the light is denial that keeps us stuck in a vicious pattern that peops are afraid of identifying.
  
  god i'm rambling
  
  thanks for the heartfelt wishes hellbound
  
  i pray you feel the arms of love and tenderness for Christmas
  
  keep the faith
  
  aloha
  

• hellboundmercinary said on Dec 24, 2008....

  Yes, I have also learned that living in denial is no good for the mind or the spirit.  You shouldn't be afraid of what us Soulcasters think because you need to vent.  I vent.  I probably sound like the biggest loon on Soulcast.  I'm not worried about it.  If someone takes the time to read me, it means that they are interested.  If I get mocked, it's because someone fears me.  Don't worry.  I really haven't been mocked too badly, if at all here on soulcast.  I just have some bad neighbors.  Not all of them are bad though.  I don't know why anyone would mock you here.

• andora said on Dec 25, 2008....

  so what was it hellbound that had you so miserable...i seem to remember that our conversation began with you bemoaning a situation in your world....maybe i should find that thread and we could touch on what was putting you at the end of your rope? I prefer reciprocal conversations - and, I want you to know that i care about what you are going through.
  
  you said you were glad that you did not have children and I needed to say that - yesss, I have had ongoing problems with my eldest child who is your age....but the youngest two children are very close and supportive of my heart. Our relationships are invaluable bc the love is strong and lasting...we understand one another. Having children is the best thing I have ever done, even the discomfort is productive as stated above. In some respects I have gratitude for my eldest daughter for helping me to identify self-hatred that dwells within...I couldn't locate this poison without her stimulation. you see I respond to strong emotions as information about what I may be in denial of.
  
  The reason I was so very vicious about adulterers is because i was an adulterer in the past and am inclined to speak to the masses about changing the marriage vows that we all make. I do not think that we should promise our spouses anything other than absolute honesty....in this way the most important bonds will never be broken...that of trust and self-respect.
  
  unfortunately, those that i attacked in regard to this pattern do not understand this about me and i was too ashamed of being unfair that i chose to just disappear. I guess I should not care about total strangers that do not understand me - nor do they care to understand me, but I care about all people, even the demons among us. I understand how the demons were created by denial in the same way I was brought into the world, on the waves of sexual guilt and denied self-hatred. that is a difficult legacy for a child to navigate and my own daughter was brought in much the same way as I was. It is my ministry to expose the role that sexual guilt has had in creating our reality. The other two children were brought in through prayer within the realm of sacred sex - our love for one another is solid as a rock. I so want to speak to people about sacred procreation vs shameful procreation. knowing these principles will make a huge difference when it comes to procreating love instead of more hell.
  
  I do not set myself above others, yet there is a very potent and powerful part of me that wants to kill and wants to bring the society we are trapped within down. Now that I can remember having done these things in past lives, I can forgive myself. forgive myself for murdering unborn children, forgive myself for wishing i had had an abortion rather than bring my eldest child into the world to torture my heart. These are all parts of me that i attempted to deny over the years as I wondered why the hell people were frightened of me. I am not a violent person, regardless of how very much I have wanted to kill. I almost killed my ex-husband for molesting my daughter. I thought that I had forgiven her for not telling me these things were going on behind my back, I felt as though she was the victim in the first place...but then she and he victimized me by staying silent about the sexual shame that was being formed right under my own roof to teach me about the prison of shame that my heart was locked within. So you see hellbound mercenary....i've been in hell my entire life. And now that I have created a life that I love, those that choose to lie to me or push me around are not welcome, even if she is my own child. I wish I could be more benevolent than that, but I have to treat myself with love first and foremost so that I can have any love to offer to others.
  
  do you have people to be with on Christmas?
  
  blessings and thankyou for witnessing me
  
  I would like to return the favor my friend
  

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