It’s everyone’s favorite time again. Yes, time for those long, dull, droning, agonizing quarterly report presentations. Apparently the company I work for loves to give these things. They are always long, and always tedious. I get to sit through two of these things over the course of the next two weeks. The company I work for is divided into two units and since I help provide HR support for both companies I have to sit through both. Today I sat through the first one.

I drank a lot of coffee this morning just to see if I could stay awake. I did not completely fall asleep, as I have in the past, but there were times when I was completely zoned out and not listening. With buzz-word phrases like “How can we continue to drive operational improvements to fund top-line initiatives” in the presentation, it was like being repeatedly hammered in the head.

I have developed a game….”Meeting Haiku.” I write haikus throughout the meeting, commenting in the speaker, and things going on around me. For those of you who do not remember your English classes and forget what haiku is it is a short, usually three-lined poem that seldom rhymes. The first sentence has five syllables. The second line should have seven syllables. The third sentence should also have five syllables. They are, in truth, completely ridiculous poems but they can be truly hilarious as well.

It was a busy day today and I have 18 I would love to share:

Boring man talks now
Makes all of us move closer
Now I will doze off

Nothing but numbers
Makes my sitting here torture
Oh when will this end?

Does anyone care
What this man yammers about
I fall sound asleep

Oh numbers, numbers
Oh how I hate those numbers
They just mean nothing

So many buzzwords
Those words amount to zero
Makes big guys feel good

Keep buttering up
Even though all of us know
You don’t really care

Time must have stopped now
This will go on forever
Lost in a time warp

That woman has long
Toenails on her feet, oh yuck
Why does she not groom?

This guy doesn’t care
Would fire us if he could
Just needs an excuse

Just a company
It has no soul, does not care
For any of us

Oh what does this mean?
He keeps talking. Lips Moving
Amounts to nothing

That guy is a jerk
Walks around in sleeveless shirt
He thinks he’s so cool

I do not listen
His voice just noise in background
I all means nothing

Soda guy shows up
Hurry! Usher him away
Must not make a noise

This little pencil
Has no eraser on it
Like we’re playing golf

Guy glares at kitchen
Staff in there is making noise
I am now laughing

Guy makes a lame joke
It’s about getting older
Offends the age-ed

This guy has a twang
Cannot trust those southern guys
The used to have slaves

I encourage you to do this, perhaps with a group at your next company meeting. If you are a manager, just be aware that unless you are involving strippers or live sex acts, no one cares what you are saying and everyone is bored. Period.

Apparently there are others who do “MEETING HAIKUS.” I was delighted to find this out. Be sure to check out http://mysterymommy.blogspot.com/2005/05/meeting-haiku.html and http://www.jasonlefkowitz.net/blog1archive/2005/10/meeting_haiku.html.

I have another meeting next week. Look forward to more!!!

Bryan W. Alaspa has released his latest novel, a crime/suspense novel entitled “Dust.” You can find it at www.bryanalaspa.com