• Lucytorial said on Dec 21, 2008....

  hmmm tough one, the only thing I can say is that of my experience with myself my sister and our dad who is nothing like what one could considering a caring father type person he is still your father.
   
  We never really get the parents we want or deserve and as we ourselves grow older it becomes even more obvious to us.  However, he is still your father, would you yourself regret of feel guilt if he died and you had not made even a sympathy effort to remain in contact?

• seer said on Dec 21, 2008....

  Yeah. My head chef gave me some good advice - sometimes it is the son who has to be the bigger man.

• Heartthrob said on Dec 21, 2008....

   I think we all go thru seasons of feelings and thoughts,opinions of others, especially the ones closest to us; and so do parents. Sometimes parents are so rapped up in getting their own lifes together and being mature, that they are'nt very mature with us. We may be there someday. My dad has been even insulting with me at times, he does not relate to me much, but I know he loves me. His dad died when he was 12, so he was very inept with us boys when we got older. He can't relate or empathize well. I don't blame him, but it still hurts. Coming to grips with some realities of life and the hardships of emotional life gives some compassion. Maybe try to decipher what is in your heart, not mind, and work with that. The better we truely feel about ourselfs , the better we tend to think and treat others . Hope this helps a little.

• MsStar39 said on Dec 22, 2008....

  Your dad has reached out to you, in spite of the past he apparently wants to try to make amends and draw closer to you.  All you have to do now is wish him Happy  Holidays in return. 

• RollingC said on Dec 22, 2008....

  Reach out and touch him.  On top of what everyone else has said above, as he's still your dad, you never know....it might turn into something positive.  In the future you will have a clean conscience knowing that you really tried.
  
  Rc
  

• uniquely-ironic said on Dec 22, 2008....

  My dad went MIA for a lot of years too.  The reasons were complicated at first, then it was just easier for us not to talk.  A few years ago he finally got his shit together and we started talking.  I can only relate my experience, which may not be yours if you take the same route.  I don't regret getting back in touch with my dad.  It's not the same as a real father/daughter relationship, but he has been there for me a few times, and I've been there for him.  For those few times we did have, it was worth the effort.  You may also find that your dad will be at first surprised at how you've turned out, but also accepting, which is all we want from our parents.

• Hegemone said on Dec 22, 2008....

  I can only give you suggestions from my corner.  Think of this ... how will you feel if you get a call from your dad, or somebody near him, that he's in the hospital and he's really really sick, it could be terminal.  Is that going to scare the living daylights out of you or will you be at peace with it and not give it a second thought?  That said ... you think of it alone, you admit the real answer to yourself, not the 'I'm mad because he was a shit to me and I don't like him now grrr argh!' kind of answer.  I was faced with that directly by my mom ... my parents divorced when I was 16 and the only times I spoke with my mom were to argue and fight and it just got really nasty.  Then I got a call one day, she had overdosed, it scared the hell out of me, I wanted us to get along, the other stuff didn't really matter.  I realized we've got better things to do on this planet together than to argue.  So it was either take me or leave me, but if you leave me, it will hurt twice as much and I will not forgive so quickly.  So really, think about what you want, all the pride and other stuff set aside.  Baby steps are better than nothing, and you say you've changed, if you don't want to be doing all the work, tell him so bluntly.  He may not know how to "handle" you and that kind of direct guidance might be welcomed.  Good luck either way.

• andora said on Dec 22, 2008....

  hegemone said:
  
  "So really, think about what you want, all the pride and other stuff set aside.  Baby steps are better than nothing, and you say you've changed, if you don't want to be doing all the work, tell him so bluntly."
  
  I totally agree
  
  and....
  
  i have a situation like you describe with my eldest sister...for decades I was the one that called her. finally I realized that our relationship was one-sided and stopped calling her. After years of silence, my mother began to pressure me - the one that had been reaching out in the past - to call her...she even tricked me into speaking with her in order to break the pattern.
  
  okay, so I was interested in putting my hurt feelings aside to make the effort to hold my family together. this month my sister had a b-day and i called and left her a message wishing her a happy birthday. As usual I got absolute silence back....it was like Chinese Water torture. Funny thing was, I asked my lover if I should make the attempt to call her in the first place...I was trying to discern if i was acting out of guilt or out of love (sometimes we are so damaged, we cannot even tell the difference btwn love and guilt). So, I decided to err on the side of being motivated out of love to call her. Giving love to a blank wall is rejection on a passive aggressive level...or, what's worse is to have family who only want us around bc their options are getting less and less, is not a healthy thing for our delicate hearts.
  
  Calling my sis after receiving constant rejection is not self-love, more like guilt.
  
  I find myself in a heartless conundrum if I cannot tell the difference btween love and guilt, maybe because we have been guilted into loving the unloveable
  
  aloha seer
  
  
  

• catch22 said on Dec 23, 2008....

  Fathers! Hmmmm.

• BEWELL said on Dec 24, 2008....

  Being a dad myself my sons are 29 nad 24 years old.  I can understand what your dad feels and as a son myself I can understand what you feel seer.  My dad and I have a verry stressed relatetionship in that he did not understand my marrage break up.  It was when he became older and needed my help that we became close again.  In his last year of life he became almost like a child to me and I do miss him very much.  My sons and I never lost contact and I think that they are strong and tough.  They know that I will be there if they need me but the should stand on their oun feet.   Seer it sound like you have become a very strong person and that your father even if he does say so is proud of you.. He maybe reaching out to you because of the strong man you become!!!

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