last few days i've been pretty down. lookin like someone pissed in my cheerios (one the greatest movie lines ever, do you know which movie without using google?) christmas is quickly approaching and i don't want it to. the closer it gets the more down i get. this will be the first year, EVER, in my 33 years of existence that i will be completely, utterly, alone on christmas eve.
tonight though....i realized how good i have it.
i'm part of a networking/administrative group and this year we did a collection for a children's home. tonight some of us from the group went to the home to deliver the gifts and wrap presents. these kids are there because they have seen the worst there is to see in life, they've been sexually abused, parents in prison, they've been through several homes before they get to this one....this one...the one i'm sitting at wrapping presents in is the last hope for many of these kids.
i'm handed a stack of the kids' handwritten "wish lists" and the corresponding gifts and am supposed to get to wrapping....but i can't. i'm stuck at the reading of these wish lists. for some it is the first christmas that anyone has bothered to give a shit enough about them to give them a present.
as i trace the broken printing of a young boy i can clearly see in my mind the little hands that dared to wish on this piece of paper. after all the heartbreak and disapointements that those little eyes have undoubtedly witnessed...he still dared to wish. and he wished big too! i ached to be able to wrap up a secure future and a loving family and put a big bow on it for him...but all i could do for this child is send peaceful, safe, thoughts to him as i taped up his legos.
the next list that i am honored to hold is that of a young teenage girl...in her looping cursive i could feel the excitement vibrating off the paper. i close my eyes and wonder what fate has brought her here. i marvel at the simple wishes she has made and i want to write her a note and tell her..."WISH BIG! YOU ARE WORTH IT!" but i can't, all i can do is wrap her gifts extra carefully and hope that she understands that she is as beautiful as the shimmery package that she holds.
with every wish list i read i would get a flicker in my mind... a toothless 7 year old grin here...a teenage girl with body issues there...a young man hiding his pain behind the hair in his eyes...
and i got pissed. i got pissed at myself for sitting back on my ass and forgetting how lucky i am to have a mother who loves me, a father (now passed away) who was there for me, and two healthy children who have TWO loving households (mine and my ex-husbands).
so what if i'm alone for christmas eve. that's one day. the children at this home face aloneness EVERY SINGLE DAY and still have dreams, hopes, wishes and goals...
