I'm adding this part AFTER I have finished typing this. Some of this was really hard to type, to admit to. Even though this is an anonymous blogging community, I still care about what others think and really it is hard to talk about some of these things and admit to them. If anybody thinks less of me, well, I'm not going to take that as an insult, I'm going to feel sorry for you. That will make sense once you read this. This is a very sensitive subject for me, and it was also very emotional. If anybody else that happens to read this has issues with this, I hope this is helpful in some way whether it be inspiration, understanding, just a feeling of connection and knowing you're not the only one out there.
So I'm watching the Biggest Loser: Families right now. It's making me very emotional. My god, to see all those people who've been where I am, who are and have been going through the same exact thing I have been. Overweight people with health disorders because of it. Inability to control their eating habits. No proper knowledge of how to eat. The difficulty to just get out there and exercise because it's just easier not to. I'm sitting here crying off and on watching it. Also I'm seeing the changes in people from their beginning weights to their new weights. It's amazing. I mean these people go from being huge, some 300lbs and over to being thin looking ... ranging for any particular person from 130 lbs to 200 lbs. I mean, if you start out at 300 some pounds of course being down to 200 some pounds is going to look better and make you look thinner.
For those of you who are still thinking '200lbs, holy crap that's still huge! How gross.' all I can think of to say at first is ... Fuck you. Then my rational part kicks in and I should probably explain something to you. If you've never been overweight you don't know how it is. Being underweight and being overweight are two entirely different things, so don't give me that B.S. either. Neither is any more or less hard than the other, but they are VERY different. People on either side of that fence do have a better understanding of each other I think, but how could somebody who doesn't want to eat fathom understanding the inability to stop eating? Vice versa as well. So my point is made there. Now beyond that, going from 300 to 200 is a HUGE difference and I would applaud that any day. It is SO hard sometimes. I'm facing that now. It's so hard to eat the carrot instead of the Doritos ... and then when I do make a concession and choose to eat some Doritos, but only the serving size, it's SO hard to stop.
Exercising, now that can be hard for anybody. Just finding the time and energy alone can nip it in the bud. Currently I'm looking up gyms online in my area so I can start calling and pricing stuff out because I've come to realize that while any movement is better than none, I still need to get a lot harder on the exercise. Parking farther away and using stairs every day will get me a little distance, but after a while it's not going to do much and also I just NEED to exercise more. It's getting to be winter time so walking the dog isn't as feasible as it once was, being that when there's ice and stuff out it's completely unsafe to walk on the road. People hunt at the farm a lot so it's not safe to walk around there either, and most of them don't stop at the house to tell anybody they're going down to hunt, so no way to know for sure who's hunting and who's not. Accidents happen and I'm not about to get me or my dog shot. So I'm going to sign up with a gym and see what I can do from there also. I'll probably post more about that later, and it is also highly possible that I won't get to join one if I can't afford it. There's no more money to skimp on or move around to make it so I can afford it, so if I can't I can't. We'll see what I find.
I do also need to mention one point that really made me start bawling. One of the women who had gone in weighing I think 216lbs and came out weight something like 130lbs looked awesome. However, in one of her interviews she said something to the effect of 'She wanted to lose weight and FEEL beautiful. Her husband always had told her she was beautiful, but now she can believe it. She was so sick of looking in the mirror before her weight loss and just feeling and thinking "Gross!" She knew she had to make a change and also set a better example for her daughter.' That just connected straight to me. It's what I've been going through. I look at myself and think 'OMG how gross!' Then also as I lose weight, I am able to move around and inspect myself better physically. I am now seeing places that I couldn't before and thinking 'How could I have let myself go like this?' 'How could I let it get this far?' It just makes me want to cry sometimes to now know what I've been doing to myself and then to slowly see the difference it's making to lose the weight. I will not lie, for a bigger girl, or at least for me, sometimes when taking a bath it's hard to get to some places. Either I just can't bend that way, or there's too much of me in the way to let me get there. I know it probably sounds strange for somebody to cry about being able to take a bath with more ease, but try being my size and see how you think.
Now there has been a woman who went in weighing 296 lbs and has lost 138lbs. She now weighs 158 lbs. Heba, or Hebba, not sure how they spelled it. That gives me some motivation. Her beginning weight is not where I'm at now ... but I was. I won't lie. My weight loss goal is to reach 151 lbs, I have to lose 145 lbs. I'm well on my way, but I have LONG way to go yet. I want to see myself as they show the people on BL. They hold up a pair of pants they USED to wear and they look huge, they could almost fit two of themselves in there, and then they drop the pants and they're so much thinner and healthier looking. You can just see how they carry themselves differently. They look so much more confident and just happy. I want to be there.
Now, I don't want this all to sound like it's been a big boohoo. This has been very motivating for me. Watching that show just enforces what I'm doing. I have motivation, I WANT to get to my final goal. I WILL get to my final goal. It's going to be hard, and I will do it. I WILL get of the HCTZ and Lisonopril (both for blood pressure) that I am taking. I'm 23, I should not be on two blood pressure medicines. I should not have been on any when I was 14. I have to change myself. I have to get healthier. I'd also like to incorporate quitting smoking with my weight loss eventually. I am choosing not to start now because it is already so hard for me to limit myself on food. It's really hard, but I'm doing it. I have slips, but I count them all down on my WW food tracker and I either make sure to do some more activity or I just have to eat less on another meal. I'd like to get the whole healthy habit thing down better before I take the smokes away.
I already have plenty of times where I feel I am being SO deprived because I can't have as much as I want, or I just plainly can't have what I want. I feel deprived sometimes because I watch my husband eat things that I could never dream of eating anymore if I want this weight loss. I feel deprived when I have to sit at a dinner table and watch everybody else pile gargantuan amounts on their plate and I look like I'm eating a child size snack. I push through those times though, but I still feel them a lot. I need to get to the point where I am more comfortable there before I try to deprive my body of nicotine. Again, yes, I know that the nicotine is worse for me ... and I also know that there are quitting implements. Those implements are only effective if you can afford to buy them. I cannot. That said, again I want to emphasize, I am working on the diet for a bit longer and then I'll work on quitting ... but at least I can say this with a firm voice ... I will quit smoking, and I will quit smoking whether my husband and dad do or not. That makes it REALLY hard since right now everybody in the household smokes. I can do it though. Just now isn't the time because I've got other things I'd like to accomplish first.
I'm almost to the point of rambling, and I'm losing that 'OH I feel the need to blog about this' feeling, so I'm gonna end it here. I think I've said what needs to be said. I've got another post I think I was going to put up but now I'm not sure. I will not be surprised if this blog doesn't get many hits or comments, I think I just needed to get it out there. Thank you for reading though, if you've made it this far.
Hegemone posted on Dec 16, 2008
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Comments
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Lucytorial said on Dec 16, 2008....
I was just about to run out the door to work but fuck it I can be late...Honey you know what? you have nothing to feel strange about in what you are saying. I can't imagine how it must feel, your words help but I am me and you are you.One thing of note is that when we begin to see ourselves as beautiful people no matter what size we are it makes the journey easier to be healthy. I use to be an annorxic/Bulemic, I did it because I hated myself. I found over the years parts of myself that I really like and now I don't practice that kind of self harm(Its still there, when I get stressed and feel a loss of control btw, I fight against it every now and then).Give yourself a break, I know you try hard, I also know you shoot yourself in the foot too but at what point do you stop and say "yes I know I am unhealthy but first lets find out what parts of myself I really like"Right now I say find the beautiful women I see and make her shine, thats the first step, everything else will get easier..... and you are a beautiful person Hege. -
Twighlight said on Dec 16, 2008....
HELLO!! Good lord woman, of course you are going to emotionally relate to those people on the biggest loser. You are doing the same thing in your own world, while those ones are on reality television!! Losing weight is a very difficult thing to do, the fact that you are taking any steps at all is such a wonderful thing, you have to remember that every single day!!!You know what I am going to do? I am putting FAT pics of myself on the FRIDGE. That way everytime I think I need to drown my sorrows in something that lives in the fridge, I will have my reminder why I need to keep the fridge door closed.Since we get to be totally honest here...just since I have been with my husband, I have gained oh I would say +50 lbs. Yep..that's a lot, and it puts me right around the 290lbs mark...and that is damn scary since I am a whoping 5ft 3in. Not good for the heart let me tell ya. My goal, and it's not that big...is I would love to be 195lbs. Yep...195. Isn't that crazy?Smoking ya...that's another one. BUT that one is waiting til I reach that goal of 195, however long it takes.You keep up your good work there!! -
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Dec 16, 2008....
Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.
Chief Seattle
I hope you don´t mind me copy pasting a quote I used in my own blog, dearest Hege.
I can´t remember which comment I read of yours around SC that made me follow you in your own page, and push the subscribe button.
I remember reading your first blog, and I thought, wow she is very courageous, I wish I could write like her, to ease my mind...
And see here, you are visiting my blogs too, and reading me... but are you aware how much your words have helped me?
I do hope writing in SoulCast is helping you in your journey to yourself. I see, a young lady with focused on her goals. I see someone who has determination. I see someone, who at a very young age has had to cope with so much. I see, like Lucy see, someone beautiful.
It sounds like a cliché and I know you know it yourself because of how I read your words... finding your inner beauty (as Lucy already said) makes it all easier to overcome and to achieve...
I am rooting for you!
paper ~
p.s.
you know, i love reading books since i could... but depression made it hard to concentrate.. but i am findin it back to my rhythm... and like you said in my blog...i could skim, but once i start reading your words, i cant stop... it is determination flowing from your fingertips unto the keyboard... i feel it here in Europe! (that is a strange quirk of mine, i rhyme when i just write what comes to mind...lol , see?!)
sending you the warmest embrace from across the ocean
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Twylarants said on Dec 16, 2008....
You have a great attitude, Heggie, and that's going to help you to lose the weight. The smoking...well, give that time. It's hard to deprive yourself of two things at once. When I quit smoking last January I weighed 137 lbs. I now weigh....more. I can't bring myself to see it in black and white but it's way too much. My blood pressure is high, my A1C is high, and on top of all that I have a problem with my feet so I can't walk to lose the weight. But I've lost three lbs in 2 weeks so I'm a bit motivated. The hardest thing for me to give up is bread. Man, I love my bread. -
fragglesrock said on Dec 16, 2008....
you're fighting the good fight girl.
i marvel at your determination and planning with your WW. when reading this i felt for you, i felt for me, i felt for anyone who has had to battle with food demons. the thing about the food demon...you end up battling with the very thing your body has to have to survive, which makes it a much tougher fight.
it sounds like you are being sensible and working within your means...that's all we can all aspire to do. you go!!!! i'm glad to hear that you are doing this for health reasons and not vanity because you have to remember...a number on a scale does not define you.
i have my own "issues". i'd like to share. i haven't shared this part of me yet, only one person knows what i have been going through in regards to this....i
've mentioned that i have lost almost 50 lbs since RB left??? errrr. yeah. not really a great thing. i mean the weight loss was great, i needed to lose it and still have a ways to go, but...
i used to drown myself in food when i was depressed. when he left it was like my appetite left with him. the immediate knee jerk reaction is..."Wow! that's great" but...see..it's not. i would (and still do) say to myself...if you eat that you suck..if you eat that then you are not strong...the only way to show you are strong is to suffer" it's effed up. it's nothing i have EVER experienced in my life. i ended up (and still do) eat over the course of a day what some people eat in one meal. i'm pretty methodical and precise about it...it's just weird.
i have diabetes. i have to keep enough food in my system to not pass out into a diabetic coma. there have been days where my body was shaking so badly, sweat pouring out of me, lips chattering and trembling, unable to type and do my work, ready to hit the floor and crying because my blood sugar was sooooo low and i knew, i knew that i HAD to eat something and didn't want to, because in my mind it means i'm not strong. so i would eat 1/2 a bite of a candy bar and expect that to save me from a coma. heh. not so much. luckily i didn't fall so far down the abyss that i let myself get to coma stage. i check my blood sugar regularly at home and work and pretty much eat only when i have to.
it seems like when i stray from my norm my tummy can't handle it anymore, i end up throwing up. i've thrown up at work lately more than once.
i'm not skinny, i don't have to worry about losing too much weight. it's the demon that's the concern. the demon that tells me that to prove my strength and not be in pain i have to suffer, i have to kick my own ass and show it who's boss....
i don't know. that probably sounds like really weird, whiny, ranty, baby, shit. the thing i must express...i am 33 freekin years old. i have NEVER had any issues like this. i'm assuming it will pass, it has to pass, it will pass with the memories of heartbreak. i hope. cuz i really want to eat some effin chocolate, but i can't, it makes me sick right now.
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Hegemone said on Dec 16, 2008....
Lucy - Really, thank you for your words. They mean a lot. Brought me back to the brink of tears. I really do need to start looking at the good things in me so I can feel good about myself and then build on that. I think I'm on the right path to it, but not quite there yet.
Twigh - Boy do I really feel a connection with you. Despite age, I feel we're dealing with a lot of the same things. I completely know how you feel gaining the weight with the hubby, to be honest, I've probably gained 100 lbs since getting with mine. It disgusts me, but not in the completely self degrading way ... more like in the 'Holy crap I have to turn this around' way. I liked your idea of putting "fat" pics on the fridge, perhaps I need to start doing something like this ... at least some kind of reminder of what I'm working towards.
Paper - I think whereas Lucy brought me to the brink of tears, you've pushed me over. Thank you thank you thank you for those kind words. I don't mind at all that you used a quote, a beautiful quote in fact. I certainly appreciate your support and I'm happy that you've even found any of my words helpful. I am definitely appreciative that our paths crossed here.
Twy - Thank you. I certainly worry about the quitting smoking, and I want to badly. I know it would help decrease my blood pressure among other things. I am also pretty sure that losing this weight would diminish, if not at least lessen, my knee problems that prohibit me from doing some exercises. I want to be that healthy girl who can do all of the things I want and I want to be that person that can, at the end, even if tearfully, say that I did it! Also, ha, you've made me laugh with your love of bread ... for me, it's cheese and milk ... given my ways I could drink a half a gallon of 2% milk in a day ... now I have approximately 1 1/4 cup each morning and I refuse to go to FF skim, it's my little daily guilty pleasure.
Frag - Thank you for your words of encouragement also. If I wasn't already teary eyed, I certainly would be now. I have to admit, vanity is a small portion of my cause, but not the biggest and not the main factor. My wake up smack in the face was my health, was being told I could die before 30. I don't want that. I want to have kids one day and I want to have the energy to run after them, to go do things with them, even to bring them into the wonderful horsey world I've found. I want to be around for a long time. I've gotta kick this blood pressure issue too. That's the biggest part. The looking good is just a bonus, and I look forward to having confidence that I haven't had before. Now, that said, I am so touched that you chose to share what you did. That has got to be so hard to deal with and I couldn't even imagine. I think you've got it in you to kick this thing in the butt, just don't ignore it. I can understand being methodical and precise about your eating. Even though I am on the other end of the spectrum ... I am methodical and precise about how I eat in that I go through a process of : What can I eat that is the lowest points but yet I will feel like I'm eating the most? What can I eat that will also fill me up? What can I eat that will fill me up longer? If I eat this now, what can I have later? If I eat that later, should I eat this now? Plus a whole laundry list of other thoughts. I no longer just plop down with food ... I have to plan it forever before getting there. I have to plan for 2 days in advance before even thinking about going out to eat somewhere. I am really glad that you've not let this get you to the point of a diabetic coma, and I hope that you don't in the future. That's why I mentioned not ignoring the problem. I think it can pass, and you will get through it, you're definitely strong enough for that. I would be deeply upset to hear that anything like that happened to you. None of what you said sounded weird, whiney, ranty or babyish. We all do have our own demons of all different kinds, it's just recognizing them and then enforcing a method that will work to overcome it. I know you'll get through it.
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Lucytorial said on Dec 16, 2008....
One tip I can't say enough is that you should be eating a little bit of everything. It is not good to starve yourself or to deny. If you deny yourself certain things it makes it harder.
So start with the cheese, what would I need to give up to have a bit of cheese?? am I willing to give up all of that for a bit of cheese?? DAMN RIGHT I AM so have the cheese, cheese is good... cheese is yummeee but don't berate yourself because you can't now NOT have the other stuff.... a little bit of everything is the spice of life and as long as you know that you are beautiful then those spices will help you get healthy! ♥
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Hegemone said on Dec 16, 2008....
Lucy, you are 100% right. That was one of the first things I heard at the WW meetings I've attended. If there's something you want but it's a high pointed thing ... try this method: try to hold off; eating something else healthy; if that still doesn't work go ahead and have whatever it is but just keep the serving size in mind. I have found that works so well. I've also found that fat free, or low fat, cheese is pretty good and so I haven't had to wipe it out all together, but it definitely is weird not to have a big 'ol chunk of cheese with a bowl of chili. It's like this ... I'm allowed currently 36 points in a day to eat within my means and have a little room to work with. That chili would be 10 points for like a cup, which is about what I would have eaten anyway. The cheese that I would have eaten would probably sum up to about 8 or 10 points ... that's a LOT, lol. So now I measure and am finding more and more that just tasting it is so much more fulfilling than eating the whole thing. It's a slow path, but I'm learning. -
Lucytorial said on Dec 16, 2008....
Isn't that the point, we want so much not to miss out on the experience, not giving in to having too much is the goal.Don't get me wrong, if you saw the amout of bloody wine I drink you'd keel over... I'm not kidding... but and this is my thing, I don't berate myself, I make sure I put back in what it take out.Heck I should be huge Hege, I eat and I eat and I eat... I stop now when I'm full and before I feel like throwing up but I eat honey and I don't exercise... maybe I should address that huh?? te he he he (I'm currently 62 kilos my doctor thinks I should be 54 fuck him... thats rediculous... at 62 kilos I know I am okay. Not perfect but who is? at 34 the only thing I need to change is my smoking... and the exercise thing bwaa ha ha ha and the WINE thing I keep forgetting the WINE!)You'll get there, I think sometimes hon its good to speak up so people can give you recognition for all the hard work. We don't usually do it ourselves... I don't do it for myself. -
winterslight said on Dec 17, 2008....
hi hunny!i am soo proud of you!!!!!!! and screw anyone who dare be mean to you!i wish you luck... and you no it will be a long hard road. and it means your life has to change... with everything you do and eat and buy... and no if you fall down we are all here for you!and i want to say its just big girls that have issuse. i was small my hole life.and then i hit 174 which i no sounds not to bad but i am short and tiny bones. and it hurt,.well i lost it all... had had no chioce i had to stop eating a lot of foods. cause i got hit with allgeries.... oh fun right... well i cut pork i cut meat i cut candys out.. and i have never been a big eater..i think i was the fatest anerxix<sp> ever.... the doctor said that what happen when i got prego i started to eat more for her and my body held onto it... then when i had her i went back to the eat 1 time a day or go 3 days on a candy bar. so my body held on to everything cause it new i starved myself... so please please dont go that way!!!!but here is my problem i was chunky for a few years and i got to hide and have people see me for myself. not my body and i liked it..and now i am skiny again i hate it... men hit on me and look at me.. and personal i think im to skiny.. tiny bones i look sick.. i hate seeing my collar bone.. and god love kids but you no u lose it you lose the tatas so they well you no lol no more skiping a bra days... and omg my ass i loved my ass it was hot when i was skiny and when i was big.. and now its gone its bones and it sucks,... if i ever go under the knife i want ass implants. :)so i guess what i am saying is your not alone i maybe little but i understand. and i am here to cheer you on and here to let you cry. and here to yell at you when you need it, i am here to hold your hand when your tempeted with your faves..i wish you luck.... and i hope you make this a happy and fun road to go down..and dont forget to laugh at yourself...oh ya and please get your self a tape to meausser yourself.....working out will add weight cause mussle is heavier..... so dont cry if you step on the scale and its up... and dont forget aunt rosey time! shes a bitch and adds a few pounds..... worse aunt ever i swear......and really i dont no if your willing to do it but sign up for the show.... i think you could do it!and if your to shy. get together with some friends and make your own to keep it fun!big hugs and again i am proud of you for shareing... it touched my heart and i am sure many others! -
Hegemone said on Dec 17, 2008....
Lucy, you're right. Heh, lol I don't think I could handle the amount of wine you drink ... especially since I'm not a wine drinker. I'd be stumbling around completely numb. Yes that is the important part though, not feeling like you're missing out. That's where I'm still working to find my balance. And that is the weird thing, I just don't even realize how nice it is to have somebody plugging for me until I hear it. I mean I wrote that whole big emotional blog just because it got to me and it was something I needed to write, for an unknown reason to me. I guess to kind of scream it out somewhere because the people in my house are deaf to it ... my dad just refuses to understand because he's too busy thinking about other things and my stuff isn't really all that important to him, my change in lifestyle just makes things hard and confusing for him (yeah isn't that some shit?!) and my husband just is too spaced out to even attempt showing any interest. So when I write something not expecting to get many reads or any comments at all, it turns into something like this and I really start feeling better about things. I think I like it better this way ... not really intending to get the comments and pep talks but finding them anyway. It feels more genuine, less like I was whining and asking for it and less like anybody feels forced to say anything.
Winter - Thank you for your support. It means so much to me. I see that you've definitely gone down a difficult path as well. I just cannot stand all of those people out there who've never had any eating problem of any kind whatsoever, no battles with food anywhere, that can't fathom it and don't understand it ... and yet they still figure they have room to talk, so I'm hoping that what I said in my blog about nobody quite 100% understanding was taken wrong. I think I did mention that anybody with any other kind of eating demons will understand, but none of us can understand each specific situation perfectly. Blah, yeah, lol. Anyway, that has to be hard for you to deal with for sure. I know I don't want to get too skinny, and I have no intentions of starvin' myself. That's why I'm going with this weight watchers thing because I still eat plenty, but I just have to pay attention to what I eat, and how much. I've found that I cut out fast food (except subway, when my husband is DYING for fast food we go to subway, but not often), candy, unhealthy junkfood (there is healthy junkfood, if you look at it that way ... rice cakes, wheat thins, triscuits ... junk food, but healthier and you really get more for less there) and I've swapped a lot of things too. I eat different dairy products in place of what I can't have as much of now. It's a big change, and I'm doing it. I think it's a huge surprise when I sit back and realize that I'm getting somewhere with this. I do need to measure with a tape measure too, since I did forget for a while that muscle adds even though I may be losing fat content at the same time. Heh, and see, Aunt Flo has me completely confused because my birth control knocks it out most months. I don't think I've had one in roughly 10 mos now and I know I'm not pregnant. I think my weight has been a factor in that too. So anyway, lol, now that I've dragged on and on again ... thank you so much for your support. I so enjoy knowing that there are so many out there that are behind me, even if I didn't realize it at first, and even if I forget sometimes, everybody is still there.
I am so lucky to have found you guys. Now I'm off to a WW meeting!
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starchini said on Dec 17, 2008....
{sitting with a racing mind thinking of what to say without sounding like a know it all and being all ive been there to i know what your going through crapola}
.................I know, ill speak in fragments....and my own experiences...
im 21...I used to weigh 350 pounds...Im down to 250 pounds...now im gaining again bc im preggo and really wanna shoot myself in the face for gaining...Im very scared for myself. The pressure, the drive, the people who tell u "just do it", "just excersize", "just eat less", how bad you want to. Asking yourself "why cant i be normal"....Its a complete mind fuck. Its hard, its near impossible...Im scared i wont be able to lose my baby weight and reach my ultimate goal. I wasnt finished losing weight when i became pregnant. Sheer fear of failure, disapointment in myself. If only crying for weightloss achieved it. If only begging God to make u thin worked. Shopping in the fat girl section. Worried about weight limits on ladders. Avoiding ferris wheels scared u wont fit inside. The embarrisment of exposing your body to anyone. Watching the sticks on the television. Wondering why or how your man could look at you without puking. Hating everyone who is naturally thin. Hating your body and yourself....
I get it...I cry to be thin all the time. Ive lost 100+ pounds and I still hate my body. I still feel like a grosse cow...
I think i will always feel like a cow until i can have mariah carey's body...
Soon ill be complaining about the loose skin and sag because ive lost sooo much weight...
I dont think ill ever be happy with the way my body looks...
But atleast WE can be healthy, that will have to do until i can exterminate every woman on the planet who has a better body than I do...
Good luck hege, its a long and usually lonely road. But its worth it. And i believe you can do it. Please come vent to me with any problems or questions...I can help and comfort. I do believe we are floating in the same boat.
Luv u!
Christina
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Hegemone said on Dec 17, 2008....
Star, well let me begin by saying, you didn't come of sounding like a know it all or anything like that. You've been/are there, you know how it is. Really nobody yet has sounded like a know it all, but they are out there. Now, when you said: "The pressure, the drive, the people who tell u "just do it", "just excersize", "just eat less", how bad you want to. Asking yourself "why cant i be normal"....Its a complete mind fuck. Its hard, its near impossible" I SO could relate to that. It's much easier said than done ... and that's some of the know it all stuff I was talking about that people like to say to somebody. It just doesn't work that way all the time, no matter how hard you try. I really really did relate to that whole paragraph, minus the pregnancy stuff. I just want to feel normal. I don't want to have these unnecessary health issues that I have. I don't want to come home in tears every time I shop for clothes because I either couldn't find anything that fit, or couldn't find anything that looked good for my age even if it did fit.
I believe in another post of yours at one point you made a comment about big people can still be healthy too ... it is possible, so even if we're not down to an ideal stick thin weight (well, "socially" ideal anyway) we can still be healthy. I connected to that when you said it too, and I believe that, which is why I'm not starving myself or going about this in an abusive way. I want to be healthy, which is why I feel 151 lbs is ok for me, being that I'm 5'8 also. I'll be happy with any weight loss, granted, but that is my goal. I know how you feel though, I'm sure I'll go through the same thing .. even though I'll have lost weight I'll never quite have the body I want. Then again, if I work hard enough, I might. That's what I'm going for. That's why I'm concentrating on finding someplace to exercise so that as I am losing the weight, I am toning my body at the same time, and perhaps I won't have the loose, flabby skin problem. Via weight watchers and speaking to my doctor I was told that if you are exercising properly throughout so you can tone your body throughout the weight loss, the loose skin and whatnot will not be as big of an issue. That isn't to say that it will completely diminish the problem, but it will make it less.
Lol, also I got a kick out of you saying that being healthy would have to do until you can exterminate every woman who looks better than you. I've been there too. Just the whole 'Screw it, I will just get rid of the ones who make me feel bad and then it's ok!' lol. Unfortunately life won't work that way, but hey, if we can joke about it and stay light hearted and positive I think that's an important part too. I've found that I need that sense of humor so I don't take things personally involving my weight ... such as when somebody tries to politely comment how I might be too big for something ... I used to get all offended, feel self concious and just walk away depressed. Now I can at least take it in stride, and while I do generally still feel a bit self concious, I know it probably wasn't said to hurt me.
Thank you for your support and words of encouragement!
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cntlvmenuf said on Dec 17, 2008....
Its amazing where we can find inspiration from....when we are down and think we are out the universe reaches out to us, like you watching the show and realizing not only are you not alone, but you will fight this battle and win...you will pick yourself up everytime you fall, there are days when you'll have it and others that will just not be your days. Bottom line is though that you are going to reach your goals, your way and on your own terms.
Your heart is in the right place...you are going to have that full life you dream of because you deserve it, and you are working for it, you are not expecting it to fall on your laps or come aknocking. Life can be so damn hard sometimes...but we learn to ride the waves, find ourselves and our strength. I got faith in you!
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winterslight said on Dec 17, 2008....
subway is the best.. i eat there cause hole allgery thing... but for fast food i go there. i get me a grilled chicken salad with vinger and oil... and veggies. and cheese... it is yummy.. ps dont get the pre cuts akins chicken its gross... get the grilled ones :)
i no this sounds like a lie i dont miss the pork and beef.. i mean i like to smell a good burger..and love to smell bacon. but i been without so long i dont miss them...
and rice cakes are the best... i buy them all the time..... and u no them kids snacky stuff... like fruit roll ups.. some of them are good for you.. maybe them will be ok.
just have fun with it! hope your meaning went well.
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lionesss said on Dec 17, 2008....
my dear friend hege, im so proud of you, im amazed at how much determination you have.i have alot of faith in you b/c its very important to you, you are doing this for youreself no1 else and that adds courage to boot also, i bet at times you have just wanted to give up but you have kept going and the results will be amazing for you, i can tell in your writing how excited you get just knowing wot you have achieved yourself, your support net work is ww, and your s/c friends and its very positive, and by doing this post you have let us a little more into your world.some years ago i had to take steroids for my illness and i gained alot of weight, but b/c it was the steroids i was so frustrated b/c no matter how much i dieted i never lost the weight, i was dreadfully depressed and yes i gave in, b/c i thought my life was going no where,afta amassive bowt of depression i went into hospital and was weaned off steroids and it was swapped for anotha drug to treat my illness, afta a month the weight started dropping off, so really i dnt pretend to know how any1 else feels or is going thru but iv been struggling with my weight issues for many years afta the steroids or meds im taking,i cudnt afford a gym so i used to go up.n.down stairs, use tins of beans for weights ''i know it sound funny'' and just general self exercise in the home, b/c i was afaid to go out and suffered panic attacks, ova the slighted thing..my hat goes off to you and round of applause to you, id say your a insperation to any1.. good job and keep up the fantasic work..................x -
Hegemone said on Dec 18, 2008....
Cntlvmenuf - VERY well put. I couldn't agree with you more on all of that. I mean I never really realized how much support there was out there for me, but now I really do know. Even if I'm not feeling it in everyday at home life, that's OK, I can just come here when I'm not going to a WW meeting. Also, I enjoyed the part where you said I was actually working for this good health, not hoping it would just fall into my lap. There are SO many others out there like that and that's another place I get frustrated. I try so hard to do something and they just sit there and hope it happens and still get more attention/support (can't quite find the right word, but I think you know what I mean). I really am starting to feel more and more like I deserve this, that I'm going to do something with my life and I really do deserve it. Thank you for your comment.
Winter - Yup, usually when I go to subway I get turkey breast on wheat with lettuce, black olives and brown mustard. Goooood! And yeah, as I slow down eating some things, or have completely given up on them I'm finding that I don't miss them all that much. That kinda goes in with saying that the things I used to love are now a little unappetizing to me. While they may smell good, that's where the appeal stops most times now. It's kinda weird and neat at the same time. I'll have to check into the fruit roll ups and stuff, perhaps they'd be point concientious enough that I could use them, since maybe they'd have a good fiber content and have the natural fruit, etc. Thanks for suggesting that one!
Lionesss - Really, thank you for all those kind words. It makes my heart warm to hear them. It does sound like you've had a tough time also with your weight. We all deal with our weight/food/appearance demons I think, as I've come to find out anyway. I think the big difference is how some handle it ... being that there are those idiots out there who feel inadequate but won't admit it, so they harshly insult others. I knew somebody else who had to be on steroids and gained all sorts of weight. She literally did give up and she's still pretty sick because she just isn't even trying anymore. It's really sad, so I'd say you're pretty courageous too for coming up and out of that. I don't think it's dumb to have figured out those creative ways at home to exercise. I do stairs anytime I can, when my knee permits (too many stairs tend to lock my knee up and I can't walk well the next day) and do any extra activity, even cleaning, at home. Moving around to do that stuff is better than not moving around at all if a gym is not accessible to you. Thank you for your support, it really means a lot to me.
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