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Another piece of my puzzle is falling away...

gingersoul posted on Dec 16, 2008 | views: 491 | Tags: cancer, sadness, loved ones, another one, losing people, Hug
The call arrived.

After all the smiles and the cheers that have been accompanying me today (we had our office Xmas party today but i really don't feel like talking about it) at the end of the day, while driving home, in a fine snow that was turning again in sleet, i picked up the cell and answered.

I talked and listened. She was telling me the sad story of a surgery went bad.
A surgery during which a skillful surgeon had found what we were hoping with all our heart would never be found.

A cancer. A brain cancer. The most poisonous one.

She was talking with a soft voice made tired from having waited the end of the procedure for 6 hours....
I could hear as a background the voices of my ex husband and my ex brother -in-law, her husband.

And while she was talking i felt a hollow sadness penetrating my heart .....freezing it like the iced rain that was falling down..
And i thought so selfishly "I will lose another piece of my puzzle"

You know, as i see it,  the people we end up loving the most are simply coming in our life to fill the missing picture. Like and endless puzzle that keeps forming and shaping again and again.
These pieces fit perfectly for the most various length of time.
Some pieces fall from the puzzle prettu soon, soon replaced by others.
But some pieces are just the right ones.
They fit so naturally and completely our puzzle that we start to thing if the puzzle itself would ever be the same without them.
These pieces stay.

They stay in the picture of our life for many years, we get used to them and we look at them for so long that we almost start not seeing them anymore.
We feel guilty if sometimes we forget about them.

But they have been alwasy there. Forming the puzzle of our lives.
Without them our life would be so different.
Don't you all have the same puzzle to fill?
The same pieces to wait for? To hunt for?
The same picture in your heart that needs to be completed?


Tonight i felt like another piece of my puzzle will soon fall from the coffee table..slowly sliding on the side of the glass...getting lost on the carpet.....

I know that i will look for that dear and cherished piece in the future....it will not be there anymore.

The iced rain was drizzling and i could hear in the mechanical silence of my car the scrachting sound of the wheels.
 

She told me "He will start radiation soon after his recovery".

I nodded. I have heard these fucking words so many times already....

I said "Yes, i understand".

No, i dont...but it doesn't matter....it never does....


I kept driving.

My story talks about my ex father-in -law, Sonny, a tall man with striking blue eyes and a strong hug. One who never got sick one day in his whole life.
He told me i was like a daughter for him. And the divorce from his son never changed that.
We used to talk seating outside the porch of his house, nestled in the middle of some flat land in Texas. He would smile and we would drink iced tea watching the sunset and the deer coming closer to the fence...

I will never thank him enough for having loved my daughter the way he has been loving her all her life. He took the place that was supposed of my father, if my father would have lived.

But he died when my daughter was barely 2 years old.
She never had the privilege to grow up with him but at least she grew up with Sonny.

He gave her the example of a grandpa, the big bear hugs and all the small indulgences, the candies and the kisses, the rides on his shoulders and the best homemade blueberry muffins on Sunday morning.

I will have to tell my daughter one of these days that her papa is more sick than she thinks....

For now no....for tonight no...

I watch the white sheet of frozen sleet covering the top of the roofs and i think...
"Another piece of my puzzle is falling...another piece of my puzzle is going to be lost"..

Something is shrinking, something is missing, someone is going away from me....


 


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Comments

  • PAPERBACKWRITER said on Dec 16, 2008....
    I don´t know what to say...

    I am sorry, my friend.

    He will be in our prayers.

    Joanna


  • Lucytorial said on Dec 16, 2008....
    I am facing this same problem with my own father, a brain tumor.  It is never easy losing those little pieces I hope that your heart stays strong.
  • sweetsoul said on Dec 16, 2008....
    I'm terribly sorry to hear that. 
     
    I enjoyed hearing that you're so close to your ex-father-in-law. I was too. People sometimes don't understand that just because you divorce the son, it doesn't mean you divorce your children's grandparents...especially if they're really nice and you like each other. 
     
    A big hug for you GS...and an easy time for your ex-father-in-law and his family.
  • the_infernal_optimist said on Dec 16, 2008....
    ((hugs))

    I'm so sorry, ginger. :( Many thoughts and prayers for this man who sounds so wonderful.

    ~Infernal
  • Hegemone said on Dec 16, 2008....
    I'm not sure what to say here Ging.  I am so sorry that this is happening.  I think you've made a VERY good connection with the puzzle pieces, it makes perfect sense and is so true.  I hope for comfort for you all Ging.  ((((Hug))))
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 16, 2008....
    I'm soooo sorry ginger.  This really sucks all the way around.  How does this stuff happen?!  I will keep you and your exFIL in my thoughts and prayers.
  • beyondtheveil said on Dec 16, 2008....
    ginsoul- Sadness told in such a heartfelt manner is what happens when its a dear loved one and I can feel your heart from here. Its so difficult, the ones we hold closest to us. He sounds like a fine man, one we want to have around forever.

    The 'puzzle' you used is a perfect metaphor for the families we are losing. I've felt mine coming apart for many years, no one to fill the pieces. It makes us cherish the ones we have left all the more.

    I feel so sorry for him, you soulgirl, and your daughter. I'm sure you will find some words for her when the time comes. I'll be thinking of all of you.
  • Mamie said on Dec 16, 2008....
    hello sweetest heart, I am so sad about this. I wish you peace. and always love, mamie
  • gingersoul said on Dec 16, 2008....
    Joanna....thank you, dear. He will need those prayers for sure. I know he is a believer. He believes in guardian angels too.

    My ex mother-in-law too. So she decorated the guest room with any kind of angels...i remember going to sleep in that room watching all those angels hanging from the walls......white angels, fabric made angels, laced angels, wooden angels, glass angels. We called that room the Angels Room. He used making fun of her but we knew he liked the idea of all those angels floating....
    When she died he died too, a little. He gave to me and my daughter one of those angels after her funeral...... 

    I bet he is wishing to sleep in that room instead of being in the hospital, tonight...
  • gingersoul said on Dec 16, 2008....
    Lucy.......thank you very much. And for your nice PM as well. Its difficult to give reasons to such a thing...his cancer, your father cancer....

    It seems our horizon compresses and implodes...it seems like the air is missing a little bit...What seemed so familiar, its not familiar anymore. And we turn restless and fearful...

    I know how hard is knowing that someone you love dearly is going to leave us..

    SSoul.......thank you for stopping by. Yes, i agree with you. Many tell me the same 'Really? You remaine so close with his family?"..
    See, my ex sister-in-law is now one of my best friend too. I just couldn't do like my ex husband did....he cut any communications with my family cold turkey and hurt my mom deeply. She adored him....

    I just couldn't do it. Once i love you, i love you no matter what.
    Its good you kept such a  good relationship with your x FIL too.
  • gingersoul said on Dec 16, 2008....
    Infernal.......thank you very much. He is indeed a very good man.

    Heggie....it does makes sense feeling our loved ones so intimately connected with us that our whole present is affected by them even though we don't see them each day...the presence is there....but how long can we say it will be here? Thank you.

    Unique....oh, who knows? Who knows why such things happen? I keep seeing all my loved ones being taken away from me....its a scary, scary thought.....
    Thank you for your words.
  • gingersoul said on Dec 16, 2008....
    BeyBey.....my friend, i know you understand the concept of missing pieces. You have lost one very dear to you so recently.

    You know, when you described yourself in one of your post i thought of him: both of you are tall, wear western clothes, belts and boots, both ride horses and have a tanned skin. He also walks like you and talks like you too. Texans 100%....:-)

    I will find the right words for my daughter....like i found them when Sonny's wife, my daughter's grandma died 4 years ago...she adored her as much as she adores him. Thank you so much for your words.

    Mamie......oh, you always show up when i need a comforting word....thank you for reading tonight and dropping a note. Hope everything is doing well for you. {hugs}
  • secretlife said on Dec 16, 2008....
    i'm so sorry ginger. 
    i know how you feel---like when they get sick and as they fade, part of us fades and eventually disappears too.  it's so scary.  and so sad.
    i will keep your father in law in my prayers.  perhaps he will put up a brave fight and you can't ever lose hope.
    but some days it's very hard not to.
     
  • MissMimi said on Dec 16, 2008....
    Ah, gingerpeach, this is heartbreaking.  I'm so sorry.  It's always so hard to watch a loved one suffer -- we hurt for them and we hurt for ourselves.  These times are why we must never miss an opportunity to express love to those we hold dear.  You'll all be in my thoughts.
  • MsStar39 said on Dec 17, 2008....
    So sorry to hear this news ginger, will be keeping him in my prayers, stay strong for him.
  • fallen-angel said on Dec 17, 2008....
    Oh, I'm sorry to know that.

    I haven't been in that situation so I can't offer you any advice.

    Hang in there ging.

    ((hugs))
  • wombat said on Dec 17, 2008....

    I'm sorry to hear this, gingersoul.  He sounds like a wonderful man, and it's good that he is like a father and grandfather in your life.  I don't have any words that will help, just that I know what it's like because of a close family member in the same situation.  It's just not fair.  I hope when the time is right you will be able to find the right words to explain to your daughter.

    {{{{{hugs}}}}

    wombie

     

  • hotaka said on Dec 17, 2008....
    Ginger, I get where you are coming from. I can understand in your words what is in your heart. My puzzle has very few such pieces, the ones that really mean something. I got used to a life where people who were once important to you fade away, friends go off to new lives; girlfriends that were once all I dreamed about became memories without expression; family I barely knew across the Atlantic passed away or drifted off and out of touch. I think my mother and father, my sister, my best friend and my wife and child are the ones that are like those pieces you really need. My dog when I was a kid and my father's mother were also very special in my life.

    But even friends who were once close only a few years ago are now fading out of my life and I am okay about it. If we can stay friends it's cool. But people always come and go.
    People always go.
    Hugs to you.
  • BEWELL said on Dec 17, 2008....
    Not much that I can say but Sorry and a internet HUG!
  • Alyss said on Dec 17, 2008....
    I am so sorry for this sad news ginger. {hugs}
  • fragglesrock said on Dec 17, 2008....

    i'm sorry to read this, sending good thoughts....

  • BreatheUnderwater said on Dec 17, 2008....
    i'm sorry ginger...hug
  • pickersplock said on Dec 17, 2008....
    Three very special people I have known in my life died from brain cancer.
    Two of them lived for many years after they were diagnosed and one for only two years.......................my condolences Ginger.
     
    Sometimes we forget that every person in our life is just on loan.............. and it's never easy when we remeber.
  • pusscat said on Dec 17, 2008....
    You know Ginger - when I was 3 years old I had a favourite puzzle that my mum bought me.  I am now almost 42 and I can still see it in my minds eye now.  It was 'Alice in Wonderland' - a scene from the infamous Teaparty.  The Mad Hatter was there and the sleepy Doormouse.   Alice with her glorious long blonde hair and turquoise dress and white apron.  that puzzle went wherever I went.  It followed me into the children's hospital when I was 3 and a half and had my eye correction surgery. . . . well I also remember losing a piece of the puzzle.  It really was a main piece - part of the beautiful white cake with pink and lilac icing trim.  4 tiers no less!  I thought it ruined the puzzle at first.  After a while, I began doing the puzzle without that piece.  You see I began to envision that piece there as it should be.  It didn't matter that I couldn't physically touch that little piece of card with it's funny protruding shapes and pretty pink and white - to me, it was there.  The puzzle was complete.  I never did find that little piece of coloured card that was missing but to me nothing was missing from the puzzle.

    The joy that he brought you and your daughter will always be there.  The memories will always be there.  You think you have to thank him for so much but remember, you also gave him a special daughter to love.  You gave him a beautiful granddaughter to cherish.  Those parts of his puzzle will travel with him when it is time for his final journey Ginger.  Not one part of the puzzle will be missing I assure you.  That most stoic piece of your puzzle will be with you forever. 

    I do understand.  I am losing my only sister to the cancer that took the rest of our family and it hurts like hell yeah?  Of course it does.  Nothing I can say will change that but wow - won't you and I have some ace memories!  There are many who will live to be a hundred and six that don't always get those :)
  • gingersoul said on Dec 17, 2008....
    Secret.....you too...you always appear when i need friends the most...

    You are right...he is a strong man, he will fight with all his might.

    Problem is that the doctors today got the complete results of the cell test. It came out that this cancer is not even the only one. They need to look for another one and they don't even know where it might be. He was quite devastated by this news.

    Thank you for you support, as always.

    Mimibelle...yes, so true. Because i feel guilty for not having called him more often, for not having visited him more often......we always say "Tomorrow. Later".....and what when later is too late?

    MsStar......and here you are too.... thank you for stopping by, for your words and for offering prayers for him.

    Fallen...you know, for many years i never experimented death....everybody in my life was healthy and bad things seemed to happen only to other people, not to my loved ones.
    Then...one by one....my dad, my best girlfriend, another best friend, another deer friend, my MIL, my sister and now Sonny..
    Thank you for your words, Fallen .

    Wombie.....yes, the reaction of my daughter is what concerns me the most.....but i guess I will have to wait to hear what the heart will tell me to say.... I am remembering only now that my own grandma - whom i adored  - passed away when i was just a little older than my daughter....

    Life has her cycles....like everyting repeats itself but under a different shape....thank you, Wombie. 
     
  • gingersoul said on Dec 17, 2008....
    Hottie...yes..its just like you said.....smaller and smaller....the world seems getting smaller and smaller when things like this happens...

    Like you, i lost so many friend since i left my native country.....at the beginning, the first years they kept in touch, i kept in touch but life and time sent us in separate directions..
    Still...i have 4 tenacious, crazy and long lasting friends in Italy that stuck with me for all these American years...i got their Xmas cards just yesterday....:-)

    These friends, my little Italian family and my daughter are the stable pieces of my puzzle. I thought for many years that my ex husband would have been a stable one too.
    I was wrong. Its ok. What needed to be separated, it has been separated to make room to new feelings.
    Hugs to you.

    Bewell...thank you for that Interner hug. It warms up just like a real one, believe me...

    Alyss......thank you, my friend.

    Fragglerocks...good thoughts to him and peace and a deep sleep tonight. Thank you.

    Breathe......thank you so much for stopping by....

    Picker....i am sorry to read about your losses. You are right, remembering is not always possible without experiencing again the same burns and the same sorrow....we all are survivors until we will become victims...thank you very much.

    Pusscat.....i've read only now about your sister. What can i tell you, Pusscat?
    I lost my only sister only two years ago and i think i still have to deal with her death, and her life when i was in it with her.
    It never goes away.
    At least you are having right now the time to stay with her and give her your support and love in this difficult moment.
    I was here in the States when my sister got seriously sick and her health deteriored so rapidly that she passed away in the matter of 2 months.
    I arrived too late at her bedside and i had only the time to hold her hand while she was catching her last breath.

    As you said.....you do have your memories of her. As i have my memories of my sister.
    For example, I have a lot of pictures of Sonny and i am thinking of put them in a photo album and show them to him next time i will see him.
    We will laugh remembering the silly days.
    He will say : "I still can't believe you actually ate them"
    "Them" were the balls of the bull he castrated one day while helping some friends.....they fried the balls and offered them to me to eat without telling me anythin about the poo bull ......they were not bad, actually.
    Sonny laughed at me for many years to come after that day.......lol...

    Thank you, Pusscat. I am really sorry for your sister.
  • pusscat said on Dec 17, 2008....
    Thank you Ginger for your lovely words and kind thoughts.  I love the idea of the photo album for Sonny.  I don't know how old your daughter is now, but that would also make a wonderful gift for her too.  You could add little notes and the year to the pictures so she can see the whole story.

    OMG - I can't believe you ate them LOL!
  • queenparanoia said on Dec 19, 2008....

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    youre in my prayers ginger...

  • gingersoul said on Dec 19, 2008....
    Pusscat.......I know!.....lol....
     
    She is 13 so luckily she has her own memories connecetd to all those pictures.....i am starting the photo album tonite and try to give it to Sonny before Christmas........but we have TONS of photos......
     
    Queenie......thank you very much for your thoughts.
  • pickersplock said on Dec 19, 2008....
    Oh it's alright Ginger.  And sorry about my missing M.  I hate it when I mispell.
    Anyway I just remembered, those people I knew who had brain cancer lived for quite a while after.  The shortest was two years.
    My Dad, who wasn't diagnosed with anything, was fine one day, and gone the next.
    You just never know............
  • gingersoul said on Dec 19, 2008....
    Picker.....yes, you are right....each of us has a different way to react to these things....

    My father too...passed away so quickly...i barely realized he was that sick I spoke with him for the  last time.
    So i think that "You will never know" is a good mantra for me....
     , 

  • Me-Myself&I said on Dec 20, 2008....

    Ginger i am sorry to read this. I realize it has been up for 4 days now, i've been in a state of hurry.... anyway i was going around saying Hello, how are you thingy to some of you ....  :~( i'm so sorry once again.

    I still need to say Hi and wish you the best holiday season.... you can have in this troubled time for you. Take care, my prayers and thoughts are on their way. ~see ya

  • gingersoul said on Dec 22, 2008....
    Me&My....its very nice of you to stop by ....so please, don't apologize ....it doesn't matter when friends reach for us...as long as they do it, right?....:-)

    I wish you to spend these approaching holiday in the most wonderful way.....thank you {hugs}
  • kruuyai said on Dec 25, 2008....
    Ginger, I feel for you and all the losses you have had to deal with in recent years.  You are right.  It never gets easier, but like pusscat said, the pieces are never really gone.  I feel that with my cats... probably the most important pieces of my puzzle.  I can't touch them anymore, but they do stop by to visit from time to time in my dreams and in my thoughts, and they live in my heart every day, just as I'm sure that your missing pieces live in yours.  My younger sister is having to deal with this prospect now.  Her 15 year old daughter was just diagnosed with cervical cancer, and is scheduled for surgery on January 14.  I hope this is one piece of her puzzle that won't slip away before its time.  {{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you this holiday season, dear ginger.
  • gingersoul said on Dec 25, 2008....
    Dear Kruu,

    i am very happy to read you again. I am not happy at all in reading about your family struggle.
    Your poor nice....so young....15 yrs old with cancer.....its just damn wrong...

    I am very sorry and i hope everything will be ok for her.

    I know how much you have been deeply touched by the loss of your cats.
    Each of us has their own puzzles and their own pieces slipping away .......

    I wish you a very serene holiday.
     
    How is Turkey?

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
  • Emanon said on Jan 22, 2009....

     gingersoul,  got curious and read your post. Sorry to hear about Sonny...

     Why don't you seek Essiac from Canada, or Dr. Beck's, or R. Rife's stuff ?......

     Hope they help you, they usually do.


    P.S.  There are Essiac fakes, the original company was Resperin.
  • gingersoul said on Jan 22, 2009....
    Emanon........thank you very much. I will check those names.

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