so, it's been a crazy roller-coaster ride.

2 jobs: Ihop as a server/hostess and Olive Garden as a host.

My Girlfriend is in Florida taking care of her mother after a heart surgery, and now my GF is recovering herself from a surgery to remove a recurrence of ovarian cancer. 

My ex-roommates owe us $1300 in backed rent, which is now down to ~$975 ($800 if he pays me today) and I'm finding a social life again.

I'm tired.  It's snowing.  I'm stealing internet from cafes and messaging my gf online since our phones are cut (but I can call her on her number, which concerns me, since our phones aren't supposed to be working right now... ?)

We had an argument last night over how my social life has exploded since she's left for Florida.  She feels replaced, like I'm leaving her out, and that it's strange and suspicious that it's changed since she's left - Like she's holding me down or something.

I tell her it's nothing like that.  It's so happened that I've been able to go out since she's been gone.  It's easier for me to go out, since I'm not making sure I spend time with her at home.  She's not there, so instead of spending time with her, I'm going out to fill the void.  She doesn't want to go do the things that I want to do half the time anyways, like go get tea or hang out at the Blue Fugue.  So, I've found others to do it with.  She wanted me to have a social life anyways.  She's been having a blast in Florida as far as I knew, she's been sending me messages about her getting drunk and enjoying the sun and parasailing.  Then, all of  a sudden last night she IM's me saying she's miserable and that she's jealous that I'm hanging out with her friends instead of her.  Well, what am I supposed to do?  Cancel my social life because of her disdain?  I'm not cheating on her (we're in an open relationship anyways now) and she's not in town.  She can't do some of the things that I do, because of extrenuating circumstances,  and I can't do anything about that.  It's not like I plan on leaving her out when she gets home.  I've been thinking about how I'm going to include her when she gets back - the people I hang out with now want to meet her anyways.  I love her SO much, I just hope she understands where I'm coming from.  The last thing that I wanted was to leave her out.  it's not my fault that she's out of town and taking care of her mom, and now recovering from a surgery of her own.  Like I've said, I plan to wait on her every need when she gets home and make sure she recovers 110%.  I love her to pieces, and the last thing I want is to make her cry.  I cried twice last night while talking to her on IM.  Apparently, I made her cry, too.  I guess she just doesn't know that I cried too.  I didn't tell her.  I guess I didn't feel like I wanted to make her feel bad- but she succeeded in making me feel that way.  I feel like crap, and a little angry about it.  I feel she's overreacting, and just taking out her insecurity about losing her friends on me.  I can't help that I get along with her friends, and that we hang out now.  It's not like I plan on excluding her.  that's exactly the opposite of what I want to do. 

Whatever - I'm done stressing about this.  I hope that we can resolve it, or at least, move on from it.

I need my tattoos.  My peircings.  I don't know why - I guess they just symbolize a change in character in me, and that they display things about me that I wouldn't necessarily be able to show in words or actions. 

Iceiss told me last night: "you've changed.  alot."

How?  Why is this a bad thing?  Is this wrong that I have changed?  I feel like I'm coming out of my shell.  Becoming myself - whatever that may be.  I guess she doesn't like how I've changed - but I'm not going to change myself to who she wants me to be.  In my last major relationship, I had this major complaint:

"love me for who I am, not for who you want me to be."

I refuse to repeat that sentence again.  That is not something I need to go through all over again.  I made that mistake once, and I'm not repeating it.  You can love me for who I am, not for who you want me to be.  If you are worried about something, tell me!  If you have a concern, I want to hear it.  But If you just don't like who I've become - ok, well, say something if it really matters to you - but I draw the line between changing things that have become problems, and things that I have just changed into.  I won't change myself for somebody just because they don't like it, or it doesn't work for them.  If it is hurting her, or us, then I will listen.  But just don't change me or try to control me.  I've ridden that ride, and I made a distinct decision to get off of it.  My tokens are cashed, and I've left the theme park.  I'm not riding that ride again.  I made a decision to be myself in severe disregard to whomever thinks otherwise.  I can still be a pushover at times, I can still be weak, but I'm working on that.  I refuse to be walked all over - and I will not be pushed aside.  This is me, and you can deal with it.  All of you - not just in my relationship.  Everybody. 

I refuse to be weak anymore.  I WILL stand strong and be myself as wildly as possible. 

My mom tried to change me.
My family tried to change me.
My ex'es tried to change me. 
Society tried to change me.
My profession tried to change me.
I tried to change me.

It all failed.

I don't change myself for anybody.

But - like I said.  If there's a problem.  If theres a hurt involved, I will listen.  I will consider.  I will cooperate.  But I still have lines that I do not cross anymore. 

I love you babe.  I just hope that I don't ever have to say that sentence to you.

"Love me for who I am, not for who you want me to be."

But I think I might have to.

Maybe it's better put  as this:

"love me for who I am, and who I've become.  Not for who I used to be, or for what may be convenient for you.  I am famous for making rapid and wild changes, and that's just part of my carachter.  I can't change that about myself.  I just hope that you can be okay with that.  I love you more than life itself, and I hope that you can see that.  I hold your love dear in my heart, and you are more than the world to me.  I love you, and I hope that you can love me as much as I love you.  I've learned to be a bit selfish in my life, and this is one of those moments.  I am going to continue to be myself, and I have taken what you had to say in mind.  I'm being more careful, and taking it easy.  I look forward for your return home, and I can't wait to take you out and have fun with you as soon as you are well again.  I love you more than life itself, and I can't say it enough.  You are my love, my life, my everything.  I just hope that you can see that no matter what I do or how I change.  I love you."

Lilith Ransom