I had been mulling this over in my head for a while,but was never really sure whether i wanted to do it or not.But the way I look at it is this.You walk into a bar alone.You find a spot at the end of the bar that you know that you will be comfortable,and you pull up a stool and order a drink.
So the barman brings you your drink of choice and you sit there in your little corner of the universe and are minding your own business.You are approached by a number of people,a lot of whom are there for the similar reason that you are -so you get to talking to them and you get to know all of them....and make some really great friends
Then suddenly from out of nowhere,you get people who,decide for their own personal fucked up reasons will come along and try and spoil the party,the little niche you had found for yourself,no longer belongs to you ,and you suddenly feel that you need to be as far away from the person as you can
Thats how I feel right now.
Yes,PC and I are in a long distance relationship - a lot,if not most of the people on this site are unaware of this - but it is true.
About 6 months or so ago, i befriended someone on this site,and that someone also had an alt.That alt was a 'nice' alt,if that is possible,but it was a nice alt none the less.
Suddenly with out warning this person disappeared from the site completely - posts and all.
I made an error with this one person in a comment on one of their posts,where i am addressed them by their actual name - it was an error in judgement on my part - i apologised none the less and thought that it would be forgotten over time.
But it has become clear to me now that it has not,and that person is back on this site.I have blocked them - but the fact that they are here is somewhat unsettling to me as it seems they may be out for some form of 'revenge' in their own way.
I know that I have always advised others not to take any notice of the visits of these type of people,and that i should take a swig of my own medicine and ignore them.However,it feels now like my niche in this world has been ripped away from me and i may never feel comfortable here again.As I said i blocked them - but that may not prevent them from doing any nasties of their own.If this is going to be the case and they are going to let their childish nature get the better of them,then it is best that i am not around to see it.
Lucytorial ( Hi Luce' ) once refered to me as a scorpion with a nasty sting in the tail.Well - this scorpion is still not feeling the best and it will be a while yet before i am back to my old self,as this has taken a lot out of me - but if you thought that my ordinary sting was nasty - you should try me when i am sick.Ever messed with a bear with a sore head? I didnt think so.
I shall still be around - I will still be reading every day and commenting whenever I can - but posting?
I am not too sure about that.....now i gotta find somewhere else to put the shit that lies in my head and clouds my judgement.
Where that will be,who knows?
The back of a cereal box or a box of tissues?
I dont know - or maybe on a scrap of slightly used toilet paper,so that i may be flushed away and forgotten about
cuppajava posted on Dec 14, 2008
| views: 617
Comments
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PAPERBACKWRITER said on Dec 14, 2008....
:(
can´t write more at the moment...
paper ~
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andora said on Dec 14, 2008....
hi cuppajava,
sorry you are having a hard time staying on your bar seat...i get knocked off my seat on a regular basis here and get ignored in a very loud way. rejection isn't what i came here for, but I have made my own bed and choose not to run away from the discomfort or stoop to the level of those who use alts as a way of fucking with those who are not playing these insidious mind games. If they do it on an anonymous and uncensored site, I can only imagine what they do in their real life. Fortunately I do not let this type of nastiness push me around.
I hope you can continue to stay and play at SC bc we need to keep those around who do not play the nasty games that keep running everyone but a few featured writer's and their ALTS away. These people are suffering from a universal form of self-rejection that has a hard time being honest.
You have always seemed like a sincere writer and i would hope you feel strong enough to be vulnerable here bc that is what the process is all about...getting vulnerable in an anonymous setting that allows diversity.
sorry for your pain
and i hope your long distance relationship gets closer
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andora said on Dec 14, 2008....
when i got vulnerable here, i got ripped to shreds...this is a pattern that has also happened to me in many workforce scenarios simply because i do not censor my truth anywhere...fortunately i work for myself now and do not have to put up with small and vindictive people in my personal daily life...this place tho ;[ is very depressing at times and i wonder why i continue to subject myself to these type of polarizing and dehumanizing ways of competing for attention. I am learning how to do this in a way that does not compromise my self-acceptance - but, after all, that can only come from me and those that project their own lack of self-acceptance upon me are finding that it slides off of me like water on a ducks back simply because i have enough self-acceptance to receive projected denials from others bc that is what i have been doing - a learning process after all.
I find it easier to be human than do most people - being right is more important than having intimacy for oh so many people. Myself, I have intimacy and claim an EVOLVING PERFECTION...in this, I am not right or wrong...I'm human.
aloha cuppajava
congratulations for finding love at SC
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pusscat said on Dec 14, 2008....
But doesn't that mean that she get's her way CJ?
I think when she reads what I had to say to her on my last post, she will not bother to get between us any more. I managed to remove the tag from my post but it was still a bitchy thing for her to do. No one likes people that try underhand methods.
You have every right to be here lovey. You are a good, loving, caring and compassionate man that is always there when someone needs a helping hand. No matter what has happened in your life, you love helping others. No one can take that away and that is why you are liked and respected here.
See you soon x
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pusscat said on Dec 14, 2008....
I began writing my comment but went online with cj before i had sent it so when I did hit submit I had not seen the comments above. Thank you ladies. Andora - I know you are a good person and are attacked here on SC on many occasions unduly. We have had our crossed words yes, but I have never seen us as enemies. You have held good discussions and are honest that is why you can see so easily what a good honest man cj is. Thank you for what you have said here.
Take care
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wishyouwerehere said on Dec 14, 2008....
Oh what a mix of happy and sad emotions!CJ - your revelation about you and PC has really made me smile - two good hearts pulled towards one another is a wonderful thing, no matter the distance.BUT - your other revelation is disturbing. I understand about feeling vulnerable, but as PC said, you have every right to be here. I have spent a good portion of my life trying to withdraw from nastiness, but the thing is, CJ, it's pervasive - the other side of the truth is that no amount of nastiness can take away your own goodness. There is a quote from Francis of Assisi that comes to mind "All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle."I hope you will ultimately decide not to allow someone else to cast a shadow over your light.As for the person using their alt to seek some type of vindication - I don't know what circumstance prompted this, but I imagine it involved a great deal of hurt, so much so that he or she seems to think they can soothe it somehow by lashing out. I hope that it will soon become clear that this is not an effective way to seek comfort and only makes matters worse. I also hope that he or she will find a better outlet where that hurt can be expressed and lessened. It's a basic fact that hurting people hurt others, whether deliberate or unintentional. Sometimes it is easier to lash out than to search our own souls, but ultimately, this is not the way to find personal satisfaction.BTW Andora - I like the concept of an "evolving perfection." It's something I will have to give more thought. I think humans have enormous potential for expansion. I am not at all convinced that perfection is within our grasp, but the process of being the best we can offer is something that should definitely drive our journeys.Namaste, CJ - (the light in me greets and reflects the light that is within you) - Wishy -
Lucytorial said on Dec 14, 2008....
CJ ~ I don't understand why you would let someone make you feel this way.Andora is right, regardless of any stupid nastiness you should not let it stop you from being in your niche, the area and the way in which you feel comfortable.It would be a shame to see that happen. -
pusscat said on Dec 14, 2008....
Now then CJ - you see this? You are completely outnumbered. You are surrounded and we won't take no for an answer :) You have to stay now. -
Expendable said on Dec 14, 2008....
If not posting will give you a little peace of mind, go for it. We all need it at sometime.
But that's your barstool.
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andora said on Dec 14, 2008....
mahalo for your aloha -
winterslight said on Dec 14, 2008....
i am sorry you feel that way!but dont be scared to write. do what others do change your name,. become someone new... cause what most no is your name... i mean they may read a post and thing wow they write the same but truely will never no. and thos you call true trust worthy friends you can send them a shhhhh message. its me dont say a word but it is me....... dont let mean people chase you away. just become anew :) sooo big hugs! -
lionesss said on Dec 14, 2008....
cj..pc.. well i never ....ermm thats brilliant really im so plzd at last..love at sc...listen to me cj, you have been a very good friend to many on here iv had some good and honest advice from you iv laffed and smiled cried reading some of your posts, dnt let others make you feel uncomfortable, also you have made my bestest friend very happy and that makes me happy too, keep your place, its ryt fully yours for the keeping.....................x -
Chazman80 said on Dec 14, 2008....
reminds me of the saying " Save the Drama for your Momma"! -
mobil said on Dec 14, 2008....
I've busted a few heads in my time, and I have seen the floor of the baroom from eye level a few times. But, nobody chases me from my bar stool Java, nobody! -
woman said on Dec 14, 2008....
CJ~I don't claim to know you well but I do enjoy reading you and your comments. This post is very confusing to me, but you seem unhappy and for that I am sorry. So many people have left here lately and I hate that. I show up several months ago. Get attached to SC and then people seem to be leaving one by one. Stick around CJ. I would miss you. -
mOOn_platOOn said on Dec 14, 2008....
O
Let me know who it is and I'll set my alt SithBorg on him/her/it.
Fucking with SithBorg can be fatal. It's like when Bruce Banner lets out The Hulk.
O
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uniquely-ironic said on Dec 14, 2008....
I don't believe it, but I managed to miss the whole thing. :(I do hope you continue to be here in some function or form though. While I don't know you very well, I find your comments insightful. -
Hegemone said on Dec 14, 2008....
Uni, so did I. And now I can't post any new blogs either to explain why. All in all though, CJ, I'm sorry you feel that you've got to step back into the shadows a bit. Sometimes it's necessary, and I understand that, but I really hope to see you still posting. You've always got some very interesting reads and I'll miss them. At least on the bright side you will stick around to comment ... but why just accept the lemons when I can have the lemonade. -
cuppajava said on Dec 15, 2008....
Paper.....thank you,I have read what you had to day about me on your last post and i have left a comment for you.I hope your test went well !
Andora - Thank you for stopping in and giving your very insightful opinion.I do agree with a lot of what you have said.I know that you have crossed swords with a number of people here in the past.At the same time,I would not like to see this site as a dog eat dog type of site,where the weak get trodden on in the midst of an over exagerated popularity contest.If that is the case i would rather not be here,in truth.However,I enjoy being here and what this person did,would seem innocent enough to someone who doesnt know the history - but what in fact was done was an un necessary cheap shot,much like the low blow from a child.That kind of shit,I dont need.I didnt come here to be right all the time,I did hoever come here in the hope of finding a place for myself,which I thought i did - i know that I still do,it may just take me a while to get used to the childish behaviour of adults.
PC - you know my feelings on this as we have discussed this at length
Wishy - I do agree with you completely.If truth be told,I dont really want to leave here.But at the same time,I dont want to think that I am at the mercy of people who pretend to be human caring beings - which they make it totally obvious that they are not.Those shallow people are not what I came here for.I can take criticism just as much as the next person,but when you over step the line - then I start to get cheesed off.I will always be here,and you always know where to find me.
Lucy - I do agree that I did find my little corner -but you know what its like,when you know that it is YOUR corner and you get there one day,only to find that some stupid idiot has decided to take a piss on the stool that has your name on it,and hasnt told you
Expendable - I have found that posting gives me plenty of piece of mind.I just dont like sitting on a wet bar stool is all.
Winterslight - thank you for your kind words,but changing my username isnt something i will ever do,I am who I am - if i change the name i am hiding,and i dont hide.I just leave.Its so much easier.
Lioness - we both know that i will still be around.You know it,and i know it !
Chaz - i am not sure if you are refering to your momma or my momma.If it is the latter and not the former,I would be careful if i were you....
Mobil - as I said earlier,I dont get chased out of this bar too easily either and have had a few glasses broken over my head in my relatively short time here - compared to yourself that is,I just dont like a wet bar stool
Moon - I will keep that in mind - thank you
Uni - I dont think you missed too much,it is just a coincidence that the maintenance was happening just after.Thank you for your words
Heg' - thank you for the comment and thoughts - but i never was one for lemons myself
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diabolicdame said on Dec 15, 2008....
Cj!! I go away for a few days and this is what I find when I come back! Don't leave.. come on!! So many good one are gone from here and a lot of them because of the nastiness.. you have nothing to feel uncomfortable about.. those of us that are your friends, and there are many as you can see, are all here for you!! Just stay.. I hope you've changed you mind about this! -
fragglesrock said on Dec 15, 2008....
flushed away on a scrap of toilet paper? i don't think so. your spirit is much too large to fit on a mere scrap of toilet paper. man you'd clog that pipe right up with your large heart alone. noone really likes a big sewer back up...so do me a favor and stay out of the toilet. ok?
just stay here. parts of this place do tend to get that sewer smell to em once in a while and i'm learning that some people here actually do need to be on a piece of toilet paper so i can wipe my big ole' sharty ass with em before watching them swirl away.
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Lucytorial said on Dec 15, 2008....
CJ ~ You will never get use to the childish behaviour of adults here and I for one hope you don't. Still I have to admit that I behave in this way myself often enough.
Fraggles ~ you really know how to make a stink don't ya.... LOL.
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Expendable said on Dec 15, 2008....
Men's room is the second door on the left Java. -
fragglesrock said on Dec 16, 2008....
lucy - only when the situation warrants...it takes a real disaster for me to pull out my "super stink ray gun"
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cuppajava said on Dec 16, 2008....
Hi DD - I was wondering where you had gone to ! thank you so much for your comments - I have noticed over the last day or so that it looks like the 'person' (I'm being nice) has decided to have some sort of a breakdown and leave......again,and they have taken their recent posts with them.....again.I do hope that they dont plan on coming back,as that would bring out the NASTY in me,and that aint good!.
I am still around.Not gone anywhere - will probably post by the end of the week or weekend.
Hi Fraggles - well,what can I say? With words like that,I cant go anywhere now can I? I am sure that you would probably hunt me down and shoot me anyways.
Thank you
Hi Lucy - I dont plan on getting used to the childish behaviour of adults on here.I just feel I have to put up with it,thats all.I mean,there is a difference between taking the piss out of someone or something,and doing it with intent to cause a whole heap of shit.I can take a joke just like the next guy - just dont stand on my toes for too long,they get sore after a while and then i need to kick some ass to make them feel better.
Hi Expendable - You see Lucy - now this comment is EXACTLY what I am talking about.if i didnt know any better,I would say that EXPENDABLE cant wait to see the back of my ass,now if i was any smaller a man - I would disappear quietly - but instead my response is 'Hi Expendable - can i have the pleasure of this dance? and by the way,did I mention that i have my steel toe capped builders boots on?"
Hi Fraggles - there's you talking LucySpeak again - 'super stink ray gun'? hee hee hee
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diabolicdame said on Dec 17, 2008....
cj.. I'm glad to see you're here and willing to get nasty if thats what it takes!! hehehe.. I've been writing exams cj.. my finals were on.. they're over now.. just two days back.. but I'm still kinda recovering!! hehehe.. :-) -
QUEENandora said on Dec 17, 2008....
I'm confused now! -
andora said on Dec 22, 2008....
oh i guess i was rather confused after all
are you the cuppajava that has been whipping puss into submission while your wife and children get lied to? or are you the guy that she made up to pretend that she is not a liar and a homewrecker?
Queen andora its so easy to get confused in a room full of liars who think they know anything at all
those who defend themselves by pretending to have morals? If you don't like the rules, or the vows that you took, change them...don't stoop to becoming the very scum that pretends to be honest and moral!
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andora said on Dec 22, 2008....
liars don't have friends - they have fools called friends
i hate - hate dishonest people complaining about what they deserve!
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pusscat said on Dec 22, 2008....
Dear, dear andora. CJ's wife is dead as of just over 3 years ago now which, if you had any memory cells left at all in that ancient little old brain of yours you would remember from my previous comments to you when you first decided to pick on me. She was killed by a drunk driver. Posted about, commented on, everyone knew but you? Or that the memory of very old ladies again? Also, if you knew or had bothered reading about any of the illnesses he was born with, you would also know that he cannot have children with his deceased wife or anyone else for that matter.
Considering that a submissive can almost just click her mouse and get a Dom at the drop of a hat on a computer off numerous, specific BDSM websites, why on earth would i go to the complication of bloody making one up on here?! Far too much shit to remember with my sieve like brain. Pulleeeeze. Give me credit for at least having a great job and time spent doing far better things than making up Dominants, like REALLY liaising with a very good one ;-)
Find me any post where I or anyone speak of any married man (not widow mind you!) that I have had relations with and I shall conceed SC to you andora. Nothing for me to worry about there then folks :-))
By the way andora - dont know if you fancy mosying on over to your own post?. . .
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andora said on Dec 22, 2008....
not at all pusscat
albeit for me to remeber who is dead and who is about to be
i did go into a rant though
my bullets shoot blanks
and....who's next?
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pusscat said on Dec 23, 2008....
I guess the next person to be shot will be aimed at the next time your daughter decides to upset you. You get upset - you lash out. Always seems to be the way on Soulcast. Thing is, us folk here seem to be able to cope with it all so I aint worried. Lash out at me or whoever. My sister won't suddenly die quicker cos you believe we are in hell or are going to hell. I don't have family that I may have to 'divorce' cos they don't agree or understand me. I have a great family, couldn't ask for better really. I know that when needed, they will be there when the chips are down.
Oh yeah, also, if these people here that most kindly come to CJ's and my defence are fools? Over Christmas I will raise a glass to the FANTASTIC FOOLS I know then.
May you have peace over the Festive Season
pc
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cuppajava said on Dec 23, 2008....
Andora - so you now want to pick on me and my 'wife and family that i am cheating on' on one of my own posts ?
Well,if you had taken the fucking time -and it is at this point that i ask all my Sc friends here to excuse the language that i am about to use,as i am probably in the worst week of my life - but Andora,if you had taken the fucking time to actually keep up with anything that anyone posts on here - you would know that i have been a fucking widow for the last three years.My wife's life was taken from her by a sonofabitch drunk driver,who i really wish DOES actually rot in hell when he gets there.If you had bothered to read ANY of the things that i have written about in the last 6 months,you would know this.I have lived alone for the last 3 years,VERY alone.I have a small circle of friends by choice.Those friends that i have are important to me and i would 'bend over backwards' to help them if i need to.I have a professional career in a civil engineering company,and and take my work very seriously,some people say too seriously.
Seventeen months ago i was diagnosed with Tethered Cord Syndrome as a result of the spina bifida that i was born with 38 years ago - it is this syndrome that has rendered me incapable of fathering children,with either my late wife or anyone else for that matter.But again,if you had read any of the things I had written about,you would have known this.
So now that your head has turned in the opposite direction and you decided to take your own shit on other people,people who actually came here to mind their on business.People who are could really care less whether there is in fact life on mars or not.People who are not really interested in whether a pangean civilisation actually existed or not.You read too much - thats for sure - its a pity that you dont bother to read about the things that are important to the people who post here - like their own lives.You never thought twice about wondering whether i had a wife or kids.That shows you worked on assumption alone - based on your own bad experience - so what happened - did you husband leave you for another man? Sounds like it.
Always remember -Assumption is the mother of all fuck up - and i guess you just fucked up again.
You know that funny thing is,I was in a mind to actually come out here tonight and do a post,a post about what this week in my life means to me,and emotionally what i am going through right now,for i fear if i dont put it down in words,those words will eat me alive.
But i think you just changed my mind.You go off so god damn half cocked ALL the time.It people like you who make this place worth a miss...
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