Everything comes at a price. I learned this very early in life. For every decision I make, there is a price to pay. Even when I decide to do nothing, there is still a price, perhaps in a missed opportunity, perhaps in ways I'll never know, because I took no action.
From birth, it was exampled to me to be 'christlike', told to me by everyone around me, driven into the very core of my being. To be 'christlike' meant that I should be perfect, never do wrong, never make mistakes.
But I am human, I do wrong, I make mistakes. How can I resolve this conflict in myself?
When I finally woke up to what I was doing to myself by holding myself to that standard, I stopped. I began to give myself permission to fail, to do wrong, to make mistakes. But even that decision came at a price. I found that the things I had faith in before were not real, and it cost me that faith.
So yes, I do wrong, I make mistakes, and I give myself permission to fail. And even that comes at a price. The price is that I have to remind myself every day that I am not meant to be perfect, I don't have to hold myself to that standard, I can fuck up and still go on with my life.
And every day, I believe it just a little bit more.
