how do you tell a 12 year old that there is no money for christmas.  my son has always been my greatest advocate.  he has lied to his grandma to cover up the fucked up actions that i now know are the side effects of my bi-polar(not making excuses i know that they were my actions and my mess ups) he has always been by my side during the manic episodes that had me so out of control that i didnt even know what i was doing and he has been there when i didnt get out of bed for 5 or 6 days at a time. to make a long story short he has always been older than his years. i love him more than life itself. he is honestly what keeps me from ending it all at times. but he needs to be a kid.  he needs to go outside and play not stay with his mom all the time.  ive screwed his life up so much and now when things seem to be better i have to tell him that i cant get him what he wants for christmas.  i could go to my mom but i would have to hear the same ole rant about what a bad mother i am and how i just need to give him up to her. if i thought it was best for him i would but i dont see him being a kid there either. i dont know.  sorry for the rant  merry christmas to all