Well I'm not sure where I want to start.  For some reason I feel like posting about my mom, and so I'm going to.  My mom is 41, looks good for her age, and is paranoid about her weight even though I don't think she's heavy.  I mean ok, ANYBODY would look heavy compared to my 95 lb aunt that she lives with.  The woman is tiny.  I mean I think she wears a size 2 or 3 in shoes.  She can fit in children's clothes.  She's not anorexic either, she's just naturally small.  Anyway, my mom has a lot of perseverance.  She's going to school full time, working sometimes full time, sometimes part time.  She's going to school to be a nurse, so sometimes because of her lack of credentials (just recently got her CNA certification) or if it's finals week or something she might back off of ours.  I don't think I could do that.  Not necessarily because I couldn't, although the physical shape I'm in, I probably couldn't ... but anyway, I don't think I'd be able to make myself go to school full time, work nights full time and then manage the rest of an everyday life. 

So anyway, yes, I really admire that about my mom that she's going to school and working and not letting anything slow her down.  She's been working for a very long time at her schooling.  She's gotten scholarships and whatnot to pay for the school, and she's been going to some VERY good schools to boot, not just your average community college or whatever.  Also before anybody jumps my shit, there's nothing wrong with community colleges ... I went to on, I want to go back to one ... there is just a big difference.  She's so damn smart too.  I mean you can talk to her about almost anything and she knows something.  When she puts her mind to doing something, she WILL do it and she WILL get it done.  There is no half-assing it for her.  She can think of about a million ways to be able to do anything.  She's always got suggestions when there's something I'm not sure how to go about, there's always some way to do it and even if I don't see it, she does.  She's a very strong person too.  She's endured a LOT in her life and still keeps on packing.  She's emotionally and physically strong.  Nobody messes with my mom.  The people who have come out regretting it, if not physically, then in some other way because she will find a way to fuck you over if you fuck her over.  She doesn't take any shit.  She also doesn't accept any bullshit excuses for why you can't do something.  You always can do it, and if you say you can't do something AT ALL, no way no how ... you're making excuses and just scared of trying it out.  This is true.  I'm not talking about saying that if you were to say to her 'I can't do 40 push ups because I'm a paraplegic.' that she'd say you were making excuses, I mean actual bullshit excuses.  She no longer allows herself to be surrounded by misery and pity.  If you're an asshole, mean to people, disrespectful, etc. then you have no room in her life.  I love my mom more than anything else on this planet, yes, animals included.  If anything happened to her, I would die quite a lot and I know I wouldn't be the same.

That's some of the good stuff (I could probably go on for pages, but I won't).  Here's what my mom has dealt with in her life, just to give you a taste.  Her mother gave her up at birth because she did not want a child who had to be in a partial body cast for the first part of her life.  Her grandmother took her in and raised her on my own, so my living grandma is actually my great-grandma, but I've always known her as grandma and that's how I'll always know her.   She was sexually, mentally and physically abused by her father for a good portion of her youth.  He would make her feel so small and insignificant for no good reason.  If she denied him what he wanted, whether it be sexual, or his wanting to give her drugs (yes, he even had needles he'd inject her with), etc. and they were driving he would get into an accident on purpose.  The worst one was him running into a concrete median on purpose with her in the car because she fought him off when he tried to inject her with something.  Because of that, she is terrified to drive.  She has tried in the past.  She did get her driver's license just to prove that she could, but she has no desire to drive.  Her license is probably expired by now too, but she did have one.  She proved she could do it. 

My grandma was always pretty rough on my mom too.  It went beyond the typical pushing to excel ... she would starve my mom because she was "getting fat" when she was around 10 years old.  She wouldn't call my mom by her own name because she didn't like it.  There were lots of other things.  My mom met my dad.  All was peachy keen at first.  They got pregnant.  My mom didn't really want to at the time, it just happened.  That's where I come in.  She did miscarry a time or two before me and a couple times after me.  I could've had siblings, but in the end, I'm an only child in the physical sense. 

Throughout her, ooohhh, 17 year marriage, to my father, he abused her mentally and physically.  He would get drunk and beat her when she didn't do something he wanted, said something that pissed him off, talked in her sleep, etc.  One time when she was talking in her sleep he tried to suffocate her with a pillow.  I heard her yell and I came out and saw just as she was throwing the pillow off as he was going ape-shit.  I've seen a LOT of other times he abused her physically.  I heard a LOT of other times he abused her mentally.  The last straw was the morning that I got in between my mom and my dad because he was getting ready to hit her.  I stopped him, screamed NO at him and told him to get the fuck away from her.  He did not hit me but he turned around and punched the porch door.  My mom left that same day.  She didn't come back.  That was 7 years ago.  I didn't even have any time to react, I had to leave in about an hour for a horse show and there was no backing out of it.  I watched my mom pack her things, I watched my aunt pull in the driveway and I watched my mom leave.  My dad sat in his truck the whole time.  I was left to stand by myself and wait for my ride to get there, which they did and I was about in hysterics at that point.  I screamed horrible things at her and my aunt as they left.  'How could you leave me?  What am I supposed to do?  Why are you taking her away (to my aunt).  I hate you both.  My life is ruined. (to my parents)'  Mind you, I was 16 at this point.  I feel absolutely horrible now for EVER saying those things... at least what wasn't directed at my dad anyway.  I've apologized since, but I still feel horrible.

My mom and I argued TERRIBLY for the next three years or so.  I mean horrible.  Cursing, calling each other names, etc.  It was bad.  I couldn't even speak to her on the phone without getting off the phone, throwing the phone, yelling, screaming, ranting, breaking things, punching, kicking, and taking baseball bats to things.  It was bad.  I was am emotional wreck.  You know the stereotypical emotionally overloaded collapse people will do when they're trying to be going about their normal life?  I did that.  I was at school.  I thought I had lost my AP US History book.  I knew my dad was going to go ballistic.  I was running around school everywhere looking for it.  Finally in the stairwell to the auditorium building (I had French class on the top floor) I collapsed crying.  I couldn't keep going, I didn't know what to do.  I had to go to the counselor's office.  That was what finally snapped it into my dad's mind that I wasn't ok.  I was putting on a front on all other aspects of life.  I was fucking miserable.  I was angry all the time.  I cried by myself all the time.  I cried myself to sleep and slept with my childhood teddy bear most nights. 

Finally after about three years my mom and I started trying to peaceably talk.  This came about after she left one day and went to Florida.  She didn't even tell anybody she was going.  It was a bad situation where she was. I remember my dad coming out to the barn where I was riding and telling me that.  I will never forget that day.  I was devastated all over again.  It felt like she left me again.  Even though we were fighting, at least she was close.  Emails and conversations were exchanged, and this time her boyfriend got in on them and said lots of nasty things to me and my dad.  Another few months and she was back in the area living with my aunt after the guy threatened to kill her.  We started trying to talk peaceably.  A lot of those conversations still ended in anger.  She had gotten money out of the divorce and it caused my dad to take a mortgage out on our home, my grandma's house.  I could not conceivably see how she thought this was ok.  We argued a LOT about that because since my dad was paying a mortgage we had to worry about losing our house, again, my grandma's house, very important to me.  Also, my dad wouldn't be able to afford to put me through college.  I didn't know how to get scholarships or financial aide.  I didn't have anybody to help me figure it out either.  Believe it or not the school guidance councilors told me that if I wasn't 100% serious about school, and if I still did not know what I wanted my profession to be, then they had a lot of other students to help first.  I needed their help figuring that out.  I got shut out of that.  I had to go straight to work once I graduated. 

After about one and a half years or a little more of me working at Wal-Mart everything changed again. I received a phone call one night from my mom.  She was in the hospital.  She had overdosed on anti-hallucinatory pills.  It was not intentional.  She kept hearing things and wanted it to go away and as each pill did not work fast enough she took another, thinking it would work faster.  Soon she was passed out and her roommates from school were trying to wake her and calling an ambulance.  She had completely torn apart her room as she had gotten into a bad argument with her boyfriend because she was hearing voices while she was talking to him and thought HE was saying things.  The whole time on the phone he was utterly confused and kept asking her what she was talking about.  The more he asked the more upset she got because she was hearing other things too.  She was at risk of dying. 

She sounded so drugged out and messed up when I was talking to her.   I had to get there immediately.  I couldn't drive myself, and nobody else was willing to take me since it was at night.  They are all SO lucky she didn't die overnight, because I would never have forgiven myself for not getting there and I would never have forgiven them for not taking me.  We went to the hospital the next day and it scared the hell out of me.  That's when I learned she had a heart condition where it could just stop at any moment, she had early stages of emphysema, and she was severely Bipolar.  It was like we forgot everything we were mad at each other about.  I never took a second thought and I was there every step of the way I could be.  I went and stayed with her for 2 weeks after she was released from the psych ward of the hospital, in which she stayed for about 3 weeks.  It was so hard and scary visiting her every night, but I did.  Now she's gotten her meds straight through a lot of ups and downs.  Even now they may not be straight, they could need changed again after a few months, but for now she's doing much better. 

I am so happy we were given a second chance and stopped fighting.  It really would have killed me if she had died that night.  I really do love my mom more than anything.  I will never again call her a nasty name or get into a fight with her.  I am really saddened because, due to recent events, I can no longer bring her "home" so I can pretend things are somewhat ok and feel a little better about it all.  My family-in-law and my dad have seen well to it that it's impossible for her to come over here.  They act up; it causes her problems due to her bipolar.  I don't want to be selfish and request she still come over here anyway because of me and put her through that.  If I had known about the effects sooner I would have stopped a long time ago.  It stinks even more that a lot of things that happen in my life I can't tell her about because it gets her so upset that I'm not ok that it causes her problems.   She starts thinking irrationally and goes into a manic phase.  Manic phases can even cause brain damage, so they are the worse between the mania and depression that comes with being bipolar.  I understand why though.  I'd rather come her and spew, feel better and still have my mom around and ok than to just disregard all that and tell her stuff anyway and risk anything bad happening again.

So that's what I wanted to say about my mom.  There could have been so much more, and there really is.  I've left gigantic amounts out, so if something doesn't make sense, or you find yourself asking 'Why did so and so do that?' feel free to ask, I do not claim this to be the whole story by any means.  I just couldn't have sat here and typed EVERYTHING out.  I don't think I necessarily needed to either.  This was enough.  I don't know why I decided to write this, I just did it.  I am not going to lie.  I'm filled with a large mixture of emotions right now.  I've cried throughout some of this post, reliving some of the things.  It sucks, but I think I feel better because I wrote this.  I just wanted to document how great my mom is, what we've been through, what she's been through I guess.  I really don't know why though.  Now, I think I'm done.  I know this is hella long, but oh well.  I couldn't choose any one place that would have been good to break it apart into two posts, it wouldn't have been right to just break it up.