I’m so pissed off at my boss. And that really gets to me because I just started this frickin job and I’m trying to make a good impression. Plus I really need the cash. But this guy is one of those raging asinine types who lets off steam on other people. I’ve heard him ranting in his office: “I can’t believe it! AAAhhh!!!! I told him!!! I told him!!!” and on and on…  So I’m the new one in the office, and who does he decide to verbally puke on? Yeah, that’s right. Me. I’m this close to telling him to stick it. The rest of the people in the office are really nice. They’ve been so helpful. Everyone gets along. But I wish this lunatic boss would get transferred somewhere else. Or I wish I could work somewhere else with a more even tempered person. I don’t know what to do.

When I’m around him it’s like absorbing poison. I’ve had really good job experiences most of the time. At my last job in NYC I worked at the company for 10 years. It was one of my best job experiences ever. That’s why this situation gets to me I guess. I’m not used to the BS and the total lack of respect from this guy. It makes it so hard to focus on what I need to do. Teaching takes so much energy and I need to feel calm and centered. But as I write this I realize there’s something else going on with me. I feel disappointed about a few things. Some parts of my life haven’t turned out the way I planned. Sure some things have been great. But there’s also such a deep longing in me for something more substantial, more meaningful. Sometimes I feel so alone – even in this relationship that’s actually much better than all the others. I've been married for a few years now and have known my husband for 10 years. Yet I feel like I’m just drifting. I’m never really “home” here. If home is where the heart is, then maybe I still haven’t found my heart yet. I’m at a major turning point and it frightens me. I can’t hide behind work anymore and all the little mediocrities in my life. Sometimes I ask myself why I left to come here. It doesn’t really make sense to me now. I had a good life. I made a good living, had friends and lots to do. I did it because I’ve always followed my gut. But now at this point I don’t know if it was the right thing to do. Something’s missing and I don’t know what it is. But the way I feel now I really need to find out what that something is. I hope I find out soon because I feel like something’s coming to a head. I’m finally looking into the abyss and I can’t see a damn thing. I have to see it - and know it - soon.