I wish I could say the long absence from posting has been good for me. Honestly I don't know if it has been or not. I promised myself I wouldn't write a post until I could write something happy. I'm still working on that.
We spent Thanksgiving with my wacky extended family this year. It was good to see everyone, well, almost everyone. My daughter wasn't there this year. First year we haven't had her with us on a major holiday. I missed her. My dad is really going downhill. Every time I see him, I notice how much more frail he is becoming. He used to be such a handsome, strong man. And now he is a very old man who can barely walk, with failing hearing and eyesight and a deteriorating mind. Time is the ultimate enemy for all of us, isn't it? I have not had a wonderful relationship with him through the years. Nevertheless, he is my father. I worry for my older sister because she dotes on him (and in typical fashion, he treats her like a servant -- but that story is for another time), and she will be lost when he's no longer with us.
I have never been able to figure out what it is about the holidays that deepens the depression that is always lurking close by. I would normally say, I just want to go away until the holiday is over, go someplace warm and sunny. But the funny thing about that is my mind follows me wherever I go. The only way I've found to quieten the darkness is to sleep. So I spend a lot of time sleeping. I closed my eyes this afternoon, and woke up four hours later.
I just can't even imagine what it is that would make me feel better.
