I know that we are running out of time.  Mom still hasn't found a job yet.  I don't know if I am going to be approved for SSDI or SSI yet or not.  I don't know if I'll be approved for either.  I'm scared and depressed.  I know I have mentioned my fear of being homeless before in this blog.  The sad part is that it is really starting to look as though my nightmare is going to come true.  I need another miracle, but think that I have pissed the Higher Powers off to no end.  That would explain why I still go through all of these schizophrenic symptoms while on meds every day.  I am very afraid of what will come.  I don't want to deal with becoming homeless after everything else that I have dealt with.  If I go through that, it will mean that I have gone through every sort of pain there is, except everyone dying on me.  No one else that I have known has to deal with their worst fears manifesting on them, so why should I?  I feel as though I am in hell.  Perhaps I am already dead.  That would also explain why my symptoms haven't gone away with meds and therapy.  I don't even know if I have the strength or ambition to do another spell to try and save myself from this.  I know that some online tarot readings that I had claimed that I was selfish.  They said that I would lose a court case.  I didn't know that I was selfish when I have been going without things for so long.  If I have extra, or enough, I give.  That doesn't make me selfish.  I am truly starting to wonder if there really is in fact a devil.  I shouldn't lose this case because I am genuinely ill with this nightmare.  How have I been selfish?  Who's stupid viewpoint is that?  It sounds like the exact opposite of reality.  I can see my dead ex-fiance thinking that I have been selfish.  He used to want to handle all of my money instead of just splitting the bills fairly.  I guess that's another reason why he is dead.  I know his disgraceful sodomy of me wasn't the only thing that he did wrong when it came to supposedly loving me like he said that he did.  I can't cope with being homeless on top of everything else.  It will prove my point that life is absolutely pointless, and God and any other "higher" being are assholes in the way they run things.  I don't want to think like that, but life has made me.  I would rather have something in my life that I can believe in.  I don't want to believe in a God that keeps me alive despite suicide attempts just because he enjoys watching me suffer.  I don't fear a God like that.  I despise a God like that.  I would also despise a Devil who wants the same thing.  If it means that I am damned like the voices and stupid people say, oh well.  Perhaps it's easier for me to just go back to believing that there is no god, goddess, or devil in existence.  If I did that, I would believe that it was all my doing and strength that caused my insane ass to survive the overdoses.  I would believe that lightning is caused by people's thoughts and conversations when they believe in some external force leading them.  Scientists don't know all of the capabilities of the brain yet, right?  Why should I give an external force credit for my still existing in this world of sado-masochism?  Why?  I don't know what the fuck I am doing here in this hell.