Some months ago i decided that i very much wanted a new tattoo. After searching through many designs, and sharing my thoughts with my ex-Master, there were none that truly struck a chord, many of the designs He and i thought were too common and overly used by many females of my age. So, after much thought, i asked an artistic friend of mine to design one for me that incaptualted the meaning of 'strength, passion and freedom'. i gave her some ideas of what i would be looking for and within a few hours she sent the image to my email. my immediate reaction was 'that is what i want! perfect!'
After showing this to Sir Arjun, He too very much liked the illustration, so off i went to get it priced up. It was to be about 5 inches tall and on the lower left side of my back.
Well, that was in April or May of this year and the image is still pinned to the cork board in my office instead of taking it's place and permanent residence on my body. i look at the image on a daily basis, marked with it's price tag and it brings both a smile and a sense of sadness. i keep kidding myself that i can't afford it yet, that there are more important things to splash out for, but in truth, i could have afforded it months ago, i just haven't had the nerve to get it done. i have booked 3 appointments with the local tattoo studio and cancelled them all.
The tattoo was never meant to be for Him, it was never intended as His mark, it was something that i wanted and needed, as an independent person, just because...well, i like tattoos and wanted something meaningful for me. But, in truth, and however much i try to tell myself since our separation that this tattoo is mine and mine alone, the fact is that He inspired it. He gave me my sense of freedom, the ability to be who i really am, He gave taught me strength and independance in my submission to Him, and He showed me passion like i have never felt before.
This last 6 months for Him and i has been turmoil. There have been rivers of tears, primarily on my side but i know that however much of a private person He is, He has shed His fair share too. There have emotional emails back and forth, again primarily from me and i am sure there have been times where He just wished that i would stop and let go, but i just can't and i will never be able to let Him go from my heart or my life. There have also been questions, some of which still remain unanswered. i have felt pain, heartache and emptiness like i have never experienced before and truly, never wish to experience again.
A few months ago, i did something silly. i became involved with another Dom who above all else, made me laugh. He was so funny, so unlike any other Dom i have ever met in His untraditional ways. i could never bring myself to call Him Master, as that feeling of ownership never exisisted with Him and the word Master is such a significant word for me. But as it turned out, it was a good job that i never could, as the words Master and Sir just didn't exist in His vocabulary, He just didn't like the significance of them. He prided Himself on His untraditional and slightly psychotic ways and demanded, or should i say 'heavily persuaded' things from me that literally made me cringe. i knew i should have ended it much sooner but He fell for me, He told me every day how much He loved me and started sending me songs, poems, e-cards.... i should have been flattered and this should have made me smile, but all i could think of was "stop it! i don't want this from You!". That brought on the feelings of guilt.
He is the sweetest man and we will always remain friends, but i was so much more domme than sub in that relationship and He brought out the agressive side of my personality. All i needed, and selfishly so, was to find something or someone to fill the void that had been left by Sir Arjun. Now i know that will never happen, not with anyone else. i know this because i told Sir Arjun, by email, about the new Dom and i told Him in such a way, such a weak and silly way, that it hurt Him badly and He cut me from His life with not even an email to say that He had, or why He had done so. Only this last week or two have we been able to talk this out (by email), and only during these emails have i realised how much i still mean to Him. i know now the reasons why i received such a harsh reaction and i truly thought at one point i was just simply obsessed with a Man that had fallen out of love with me months ago.
i felt like a child, a horrid feeling of weakness, of wanting something i couldn't have and throwing my toys out of the pram because of it. my emotions were raw, my head was fucked, and my heart was empty because He was not in my life, not just over the period of time that He cut me off, but for the weeks and months before that. No-one will ever get that close to me again.
But He does love me, i am still special to Him and i know that, i knew that all along, but i lost sight of everything, throwing myself into ridiculous ventures both in my professional and private life, just because i needed to escape my thoughts of Him and He was doing exactly the same thing. There are still things i don't understand, and questions that at some point i will find the nerve to ask Him, not that i am really sure i want to know the answers, but for now, we are getting back to friendship, our emails are a little lighter and i am looking forward to when we can have a real conversation again, when His schedule frees some time in His monstrously busy life.
The point of this post is that yeserday morning i recieved a light hearted email from Him with pictures of His new tattoo, asking for my thoughts. At the same time as i was considering having mine done, He too was seeking the perfect design for His in order to cover an old tattoo, and also one with significant meaning for Him. As i opened the attachments, my first thoughts were "Oh my God, that Man is still as HOT as i remember Him to be" His bare chest sitting on my screen, His strong arms, His masculine torso... sheesh... He can still have that impact on me. Then i remembered to look at the tattoo! It covers His entire left upper arm and the top left part of His chest, i had forgotten how large it was going to be. But truly, it is one of the most amazing tattoo's i think i have ever seen and utterly suits Him. i am so pleased that He has it finished, it looks as if it has always been a part of Him.
So, as i was cleaning my office this morning, my eyes glanced over the picture on my cork board and i impulsively picked up the phone and made an appointment with the tattoo studio for early January, and this time i will keep it.
This is for me, this is my tattoo, He had every right and still does, to be the inspiration behind it, after all, He allowed me to find my true self; He encouraged my independence and demonstrated nothing but utter belief and faith in everything i did and have done; He punished me for self-depreciation and allowed my strength to flourish; He displayed true passion and love. Yes, He was Master to me, yes i still love Him with all of my heart... but this one.. this one is for me.
i have not felt strong, passionate or free for some time, because i have allowed negativity to breed into my life. i have allowed my anger, fear and frustration to become my primary emotions, i have sent vibes out into the universe of worthlessness, depression and sheer discontent and i have opened my heart to those negative feelings. This is not me, this has never been me, so why have i damn well allowed it to happen?!
my new tattoo... appearing on a kittykat near you in early January 2009.
Strength, Passion and Freedom... said with a genuine smile.
Be well
kk
x
