This week while I was at work I had a stupid fly in my office. It was driving me crazy because he kept trying to burrow in my hair and fly up my nose. And every once in awhile he'd sit on my computer screen and stare at me. I think he thought the cursor was another fly and he was looking for a date. But it was really pissing me off, so at random intervals I'd wave my arms around my head in effort to get him away from me, while shouting, "leave me alone stupid motherfucker!"
It was one of those things where if someone just happened to wander past my door and see me doing that every so often, they'd probably think the voices in my head were attacking me. They'd probably call the loony bin and save me a straight jacket. But luckily no one seemed to notice me doing that, but it would have been kind of funny if they did.
But yesterday, that one stupid fly brought friends with him. I had 4 of them circling me and it was driving me to distraction. I wished I had some bug spray or something. But I realized that I didn't wanna spray Black Flag all over my office or on my desk. But I kept thinking, "if only I had something to spray at them...." So I decided to get up and snag the air freshener out of the bathroom. It's Glade Apple Cinnamon scent. (I almost said 'flavor' but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to taste it....)
Anyway, I came back and sat down armed with my air freshener. And the minute the flies came near me, I started spraying this stuff everywhere trying to form some sort of protective cloud of apples around me. And then I blasted one of the flies head on. It fell to the ground and I jumped up very excitedly and yelled, "die motherfucker, die!" as I continued to blast it with apple cinnamon until there was a big wet spot on my carpet.
It didn't kill it, but it stunned it really well and coated it with fragrance to the point I'm sure it couldn't breathe. And then I stomped on it. That was a great accomplishment because before I got the idea to freshen them to death, they all kept hiding when I'd get out something to smack them with. This caught them off guard because I am an evil genius.
I sat back down and I suddenly realized, "I really hate this air freshener scent...." My whole office smelled like rotten apples mixed with the faint hint of spice. It was really overpowering. But you know what? The remaining flies were scared into submission and did not bother me for at least 30 minutes. Then they got brave again and started buzzing. So I blasted one of their friends and watched him slide down the wall all wet and apple scented, before I swatted him with a magazine.
I never saw the other two again. I think they flew away to a place that didn't have a toxic apple cloud surrounding it. And I kind of wished I'd gone with them because it was making me sneeze. But at least I prevailed and showed those flies who the boss is.
Today though, I was sitting in my office doing some work, and all of a sudden I saw something weird and out of place from the corner of my eye, out the window. So I looked over and there was a huge fucking turkey sitting on the railing outside my office. He was just staring at me through the glass. Only the windows are tinted so I don't think he saw anything except himself reflected in the glass. But he must not like himself very much, because he was giving a really good evil eye in my direction.
But I couldn't resist opening my door to the outside just to see what he'd do. I cracked it open and stuck my head out, and this thing started gobbling! Loudly! It scared the shit out of me. I don't think I've ever heard a turkey gobble that loud right in my face. But it got scarier when an enormous hawk swooped down right next to me and the turkey, and apparently turkey's don't like hawks because it gobbled at that too. And then it jumped down and started running away.
There's never a dull moment around here anyway. But I let the turkey live. I didn't blast him with air freshener at least.....but that hawk better stay away from me.
evil_twin posted on Dec 05, 2008
| views: 453
Comments
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Lucytorial said on Dec 05, 2008....
Oh dear... fly killer... its a fly massacre ! LOLyou're a natural magnet for the absurd and wonderful quirks of nature Evil boy... you always crack me up! -
uniquely-ironic said on Dec 05, 2008....
OMG!! You're so funny! That's what you call extreme aroma therapy for flies!Where on earth did the turkey come from? that's really weird. I get that hawks are kind free agents, can go where they want to, but a turkey?! -
evil_twin said on Dec 05, 2008....
Lucy--I do think I'm a magnet for odd nature occurrences. I have no idea why though!
uniquely--Oddly enough, I've seen turkey's outside my office before, but not since the spring time. There's a big ravine that our building overlooks and I see all kinds of stuff out there. A few times I've seen deer! It's weird because we're about a mile away from the freeway, yet we have deer living right there. I also saw a bunny rabbit before too....
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princessbitch65 said on Dec 05, 2008....
Great blog, that was funny!
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gingersoul said on Dec 05, 2008....
Kyle.....LOL....you... good smelling fly killer......lol...
Guess what? In the last two days we have had two huge black birds sitting on the outside trails of our windows......someone even hypothesized they might be vultures....i don't know.....if so...maybe they were feasting with the rest of the guy that has been fired this week.....
They just sat there...quietly... cleaning their beaks and looking around...everybody was taking pictures of them and going uhh and ahhh ......
I mean...everything goes for not working, right?....:-D
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the_infernal_optimist said on Dec 05, 2008....
[dies laughing]
Poor you with your own (noxious) cloud of apple cinnamon! I would've paid good money to watch your fly-eliminating escapades. :-D
WTF with the turkey though?? Maybe it escaped from someone at Thanksgiving? :-p The hawk is just plain cool though...even if Tom didn't like him much and he startled you.
~Infernal
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Mr_Box said on Dec 05, 2008....
OMG...that was so funny. I've used Lysol to kill wasps before. It works really well! But it doesn't smell like apples. I also kill black widows with carburetor cleaner. Again, it doesn't smell like apples. So your idea was pretty good.The turkey cracked me up. You have turkeys outside your office a lot? He must have been hiding until after Thanksgiving was over, and figured it was safe to come out again :-P -
Hegemone said on Dec 05, 2008....
LMAO, that was a hilarious read. Thank you for sharing. I couldn't in a million years picture that kind of "privacy" in my office. I'd have everybody in the place surrounding the door to my office wondering what the hell I was on. At least you got creative ... maybe next time you can be prepared, go get a scent (heh, I usually slip and call it a flavor too) you like, then you'll be prepared for those little buzzing beasts! So far as the turkey and the hawk, that would have been interesting to see, but only from afar. I tend not to like birds ... they tend to like pooping on me or attacking me. I have been run down by both geese and turkeys ... so maybe the hawk was saving you from a gobbling stalker! -
hotaka said on Dec 06, 2008....
OK. This story is you writing in full form again. What a life. Kyle - the Fresh-Scent Fly Destroyer. Ever play D&D? What would you choose for your weapons? Stand ye back, dragon! Lest I spray you with the scent of Quaker Oat Meal.
The turkey was wierd though. Where do you work again?
Old McDonald had a farm...
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pusscat said on Dec 06, 2008....
I don't know who is the funniest - Kyle or hottie LOL!
You sure are your usual self again Kyle :-) You're the guy that gets the drunk sat next to him on public transport when there are like a million empty seats aren't you ha ha?! Me too - join the club. I thought the turkey had come along to stand up for the underdog (flies) at first.
I could pose a real brain stunner here. . .imagine Kyle if none of it was real. . . it was all in your imagination in your own little world. . . who gives a shit?! I wanna be in Kyle's world hee hee ;-))
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beyondtheveil said on Dec 06, 2008....
ET- Oh, man, I do know what you mean. Every once in a while a fly or two make it into my den at the computer. They buzz my head and stare from the screen too. I remember being in the kitchen and spraying one with Pam and Off because nothing else was available, besides which, how do you spray bug spray while preparing food? The Off was bad enough.
I'll bet the hawk was after the turkey.
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CreativeWoman said on Dec 06, 2008....
That's a really funny story. :-) I've used hairspray on the dirty mo fo's before. (It makes their wings sticky so they can't fly.) Maybe the hawk buzzed you and the turkey gobbled because you smelled like a tasty apple!
CW
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evil_twin said on Dec 06, 2008....
princess--Thanks :-) I'm glad you liked it!
ginger--It's possible that those birds were an omen if someone got fired at your office! I wouldn't be happy to see vultures staring at me every day....
Infernal--Too bad there's no security camera in my office catching my fly killing escapades! :-P Isn't that weird that we were just talking about hawks, and that one swooped down right next to me? I don't know the symbolism for a turkey though....except it made me hungry for Thanksgiving again!
Uncle Box--I've used the Lysol before to kill stuff! It is pretty noxious though and it makes me gasp for air. It's not much better than bug spray, but it does kill things better than apple cinnamon.....
hegemone--Luckily most of the time no one pays attention to what sort of antics I'm up to in my office :-P I've been attacked by a goose before too and that was surprisingly scary!
hotaka--I guess this was one of my classic Kyle posts huh? I'm happy these days so I'm back in top form! If I played a game like D&D the more creative the weapon, the better :-P It would seem like I work on a farm huh? But no, I work in an office, but it's right next to a ravine that is like wild kingdom apparently.
pusscat--I'm glad I seem like my normal self again :-) I feel good! If all this stuff was something my brain made up, then I really am crazy huh?
beyond--Maybe one day I'll have to try blasting flies with Pam! That's a little oily though...
CW--Ooh hairspray! That's a good idea. Maybe if the flies come back, I can get one of the girls in the office to lend me her Aqua Net.....
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travelr712 said on Dec 06, 2008....
Damn turkey flies! they all deserve to be apple spiced to death! -
RollingC said on Dec 06, 2008....
I enjoyed this....killing flies with air fresheners and having turkeys and hawks swoop down to visit you at work. Must be fun....do you have any openings available in your office?
Rc -
queenparanoia said on Dec 07, 2008....
oh my god a turkey??????
lol... youre funny kyle... ;-)
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evil_twin said on Dec 07, 2008....
Trav--I had the thought that the flies were from the turkey. But they are no match for my apple cloud of destruction!
Rc--We don't have any openings right now, but if we do, I'll let you know. We definitely have some wild perks to the job :-P
queen--Thanks :-)
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wombat said on Dec 07, 2008....
Just playing catch-up and enjoying as always.....I want to live in your world, too. You make me live, as they say.
There is an old fable about "seven with one blow" or something to do with killing flies. Wish I could remember.
Myself, I have killed a few pests with my hairspray when nothing else was handy.
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evil_twin said on Dec 08, 2008....
wombat--I'm glad you like reading my blogs :-) And hairspray seems to be a good idea. I might have to get some just to use a fly killer! -
BlogTherapy said on Jan 12, 2009....
Wow! Too bad i'm in the library, or else I'd be laughing to high heaven! Oh I wish I could have seen that fly death by apple/cinnamin. But! You do have a great idea there by killing those annoying bastards with air freshener rather than hunting down a magazine or newspaper, cuz those buggers do tend to catch on and hide when you get ready with ammo.
Damn Flies!
Comment on "Stay back! I've got air freshener!"
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