I feel like I'm in limbo.  Now that it's registered with people that I want to become a man, that I'm transitioning to be a man, you would think that they'd get it.  At least some of it, but most of them don't understand any of it... I've been waiting for this for years, for so many years(as far back as I can remember)!  So it's frustrating when I have great days, when I can go around and I get all "he" and "him"s and then I get turned upside down inside when those same people say "she" and "her" the next day.  I feel as though to be referred to as a male, especially by males brings me some type of satisfaction and some type of respect that i could never get as a female.  I also feel as though the female counterparts that fuck up when saying "he" and "him" are trying to undermine my transition, as though it's more disrespectful for them to say it, especially around males, which completely undermines the respect I automatically get when being referred to as a male... for example

Bobby to me:  Hey, man whats up?

Me: Not much man, just saw my girl... how's it goin?

(in walks Janie)

Bobby: Not bad, not bad.

Janie:  (to me) How was your test today?  (To bobby) Did you know she was studying in chinese 3?!? Isn't that amazing?  I could never do that!

Bobby: (to both of us) Wow, yeah that's great...(pause then he walks away after excusing himself)

Alternate ending:

Bobby: Who?(in sincere confusion, looking around past me)

Janie: (points to me) She is TAKING Chinese 3!

Bobby:  (confused look, studying my face look, then more confusing looks)  Oh, oh that's cool... do you like it?(or generic questions such as those)

It's also frustrating to me when people try to define me for me.  

"Oh, that's too girly for you.  Men don't do that."

"You're being an overaggressive asshole."

"I'm afraid that your definition of man, is everything I hate about men."

"Do you have to do that, it's only furthering the terrible stereotype about what makes men men?"

"You don't like "pretty" things, MEN don't like "pretty" things."

"Real men wear pink"

It's just that, why can't I define myself?

I'd rather see myself as a man with feminine features than a manly woman.  I certainly like women... but lately I've come to question even that because I find there is no "straight" path to becoming a man.  I like women, I want to fuck them... but I find myself liking the idea of having a penis and/or having sex with someone who has a penis... mostly for the sensation.  It's just that I want to be fucking someone with one, or be fucked myself.  I identify with men... and I love the bodies women have... but I don't want to get myself into the fucked up scene where too many lines are skewed so that I can't see the picture anymore.

I want to be at the end, I want to be on testosterone already, so that I can justify standing up for what I want in an aggressive way.  One that I've always wanted to be, but was never allowed because I was a female but now now that I'm going on T I feel as though the decisions I want for myself are those that I can justify by using T as my crutch, doing the things I've always wanted to do and I can anounce them without fear.  

My usual train of thought:

I can't make decisions for myself until I am myself, but I won't be myself until I make decisions for myself; it's a vicious cycle.  

It stopped this summer, when I got on a diet and exercise program and made myself who I wanted to be, organized, punctual and productive.... I was making steps to become the Me I wanted to be;  Only though because people weren't around to influence my decision.  I could make them for myself for whatever tickled my fancy, and I never thought twice about whether or not it was right for me.   

I'm getting tired now but the point of today is...  It's frustrating seeing what you want and not being able to grasp it because it's too far away(everything takes time and money and I have neither) and it's hurting me to hear people who consistently get it right fuck it up.  I wish I was transitioned already so I could be done with this already and go back to be normally fucked up!