Do Angels Exist? I could use one right now, that or a Christmas Miracle. It's been exactly 5 months since my last post. And much longer since my last confession. But that doesn't mean I have lost faith.

I have had quite a lot happen since my last post and my last confession for that matter. A lifetime in fact. But now, I find myself fighting to retain hope for the future and to not let the fearfulness that so often creeps into my psyche overtake my rational and normally-positive nature.

Since my last post, each brief synopsis below will help you understand how I've reached my current uncertain state.

July 2008

Our publicly-traded company, in an effort to curb costs, moved to a more affordable leased space, as well as conducted heavy layoffs.

An earlier decision not to replace a couple of highly-talented technical personnel has resulted in a weak follow through and delivery of our products and services, for which I've had to grit my teeth and tell my clients anything but the reality.

August 2008

Rather severe nerve pain and numbness in the lower extremities in my right leg and unexplained weight loss of more than 30 pounds led to a diagnosis of Type II Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, and High Cholesterol.

This follows a family history of these conditions, particularly the Diabetes, for which I've feared acquiring for most of my life. Now, I must realize the diagnosis and learn to live with the condition that I saw my grandfather and now my father both suffer.

September 2008

On Labor Day, September 1, I was in a rather severe auto accident that sent me to the Emergency Room totaling more than $12,000 in medical expenses. I was not at fault, no internal injuries, or broken bones, thankfully, but I did take quite a beating with severe bruising and lacerations that persisted for nearly a month, some of them leaving scars.

My car, now completely totaled, had one final payment due before I could call it my own. I was greatly looking forward to not having a car note and the opportunity to begin saving and paying down debt. I think that hurt worse than the injuries.

To add insult to injury, the adjuster for the other party called to offer me a medical settlement of $600. I was stunned. By month's end, I retained a lawyer to help me navigate the murky waters of the insurance settlement world.

October 2008

My company began cutting paper checks rather than use the payroll vendor and began making excuses as to why, saying things such as the payroll company made an error; a new employee to the position didn't realize the deadline and therefore payroll didn't get processed in time, etc... when the reality was there just wasn't enough money in the bank to cover payroll and pay taxes, 401Ks, etcetera. Paper checks at least got employees their expected monies.

Before this was known, however, I had been researching and trying to find a car to purchase that was both in my budget, reliable, and without all of the extras so many  dealers seem to add. I settled on a few options. When the insurance check came in, I began negotiations. It was a horrible experience. I visited a few dealerships and despite my experience in the auto sales industry, these salesmen, prompted I'm sure by their managers and the pressing need to close deals, harassed, harangued, and harrowed and still none actually listened to my needs or what I wanted.

I was paraded model and feature over and again all vastly pricier than my research suggested, and certainly none of which met my budgetary or personal needs. It was frustrating, to say the least. I stormed off more than one lot and spent a week completely depressed and without transportation. All of this was happening around the anniversary of Steven's death as well, which I'm certain served to magnify my emotions.

Finally, one sales guy got it. He braved a call back to me despite previous abuse on my part, and in the end, with a combined down payment of the insurance money, and a post-dated check using up most of my savings and budgeted monies from three future checks, I put half down on a Honda Fit and financed the rest.

In all this, I'd stepped up my job search in hopes of exiting this madness and added to it a new search for a roommate since my current one informed me she was buying a house and would be moving out by mid-December.

November 2008

By the time the post-dated check was to clear, I learned payroll would not only be a paper check again, but would be late, which would cause my check to bounce. I was furious, especially since I could track most of this situation to stupid decisions by upper management.

Somehow, the money was there on time, and my check cleared.

I met and interviewed a lovely man to be my new roommate. We got along well, and he said he wanted to take the room. He left on urgent business the next day and hasn't responded in a week despite messages left. I've continued my search, but most respondents are from overseas scammers. It's disheartening and time is running out.

After a month of searching for new work, absolutely no responses have been received. And now, it's the end of the month and I've got two weeks -- less really -- to find a roommate.

Our company in an effort to force many to use their paid time off or vacation time, decided not to pay for the Fridays immediately after Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year. I worked Friday where I learned that our expected paycheck would not be there at all. Rent is due no later than the 5th, and as I used most of my savings on on the downpayment for the car before I knew this trouble was as severe as it is, I have none to cover rent this month.

Current Environment

I'm scared. I'm really scared. Every time before when something happened, I had accrued vacation time paid out along with severence, and usually savings to cover the gap between jobs or unemployment checks. Now, I have nothing.

I went to church today to pray for a miracle, not just for myself, but for many others I know. The irony, I spent maybe 10 percent praying for my needs and instead offered prayers up for my colleagues, friends and family for their various crises. Does that seem odd to you? I guess it's my nature to put others first, before my own needs. It gets me in trouble, of course, but in my heart, I know they need the help more than me.

Silver Linings

There have been a few silver linings. I got approved for my car loan while I still have a job, something I think might not have happened otherwise.

My health, with the medications, regular walking, and paying more attention to what I eat, does seem to be improving. I feel much better overall, physically at least.

I saw my favorite LA band, Hypnogaja, in concert twice, and actually got to meet and talk for a bit with the lead singer and keyboardist (and take a photograph with them). They even dedicated a song to me live on stage!

I had a great Thanksgiving with a good friend and got to go Salsa dancing with my best girlfriend for her birthday and had a blast. (Note to self, find and take Salsa Dancing Lessons.)

In Summary

In the end, all I can do is have faith and revel in the Silver Linings. I just have to trust that no matter what the future holds, God will provide for my needs, and my soul. He'll guide me in the direction where my skills will be best used, even if -- at first -- it doesn't seem quite how I pictured it. But I must admit, it's quite difficult keeping the fear-mongers at bay.

Do Angels Exist? I could use one right now, that or a Christmas Miracle.