Mountaha Irfan - I Miss You!
My Darling.This has been long eleven years since we last met. How are you? How had you been?
In these years, so many things have changed! So many known faces are gone forever and so many new faces (like your child) have come amongst us. We lost each other forever and probably would never see each other again. Things could be different but it was destined to be in this way!
Our promises have gone in vain. Our planning has gone astray. Long eleven years have passed. How do you look now? Same? Have you gained weight? Still slim and slender? Have you turned to a woman? A loving mother? Do you still express your love in that same passionate way?
I often used to say - 'you cry so easily'! Do you still do that?
Did you ever remember me in these years? Do you remember my face? Do I come in your thoughts? Daily? Once a week, month, year or once in these years?
Darling, how did we end up like this? It could have been so different! Do you blame me for this? Did you cry when I called and said 'good bye' for ever? Did it break your heart - or was it a relief from those miserable pains and sufferings both of us were going through? Did I make it easier for you to decide? You always wanted to do it in this way, I only helped! It was tough but I had to take this decision because I was breaking, I was weakening and I was restless. I was going no where!
But today darling, after so many years, I still think of you every day! I never stop searching your face in the crowd! I always thought I would find you one day! But years have gone and you moved on. Now you moved so far away that I can't reach you. Did you run away from the country to get rid of my ghost?
Darling - will you ever read this post?
I am sorry that I was so inconsiderate when you were there for me. I was stubborn. I always wanted things to happen fast in my way! It has cost me everything! I have lost you! So many days have passed I don't see your face! If I could hold your face one more time! If I could hold you one more time! Will it ever be possible?
My darling, remember those days when we used to meet? Golden days! Is it so precious because I lost you? Darling, you meant so much to me! How could I let you go? Are you still that jolly and playful?
I wish we had cell phones and Internet when we met. It was so difficult to communicate in those days. Yet we talked nights after nights. We had spent so many sleepless nights talking about future, our future - which never came true!
Those were enjoyable but painful days too. When you used to go out to other places to stay with your would be husband, it was unbearably painful. I could not sleep and think anything else other than you. My thoughts of you 'doing other things', which I considered solely my right, were virtually killing me. I could not take it any more. Moreover, being an aviator, I needed a peace of mind to barely survive! I don't know if you ever appreciated my feelings and situation in those days. Did you, my dear?
It was painful, but the 'hope' that it would be over soon, helped me bear the pain. But you were indecisive and did not know what to do! I started to believe that you were confused and we were surely not making any progress. I also started to doubt that you were in love (or 'sympathy' as you used to say) with 'him' too. I also took the risk of meeting him but it solved nothing because you were never firm on your decision. I wish, really wish, my dear, what you used to tell me about our relationship were the only truth. Darling, if you were firm and confident, we would be together today!
My love, if I did not break up - could you ever break free from your previous relations and come to me forever? Would you do that?
Darling, will you ever read this blog? This is for you! Do you have Internet in your house in England? Do you ever Google my name to check if you could find anything about me? I do it all the time and see, I know a lot about you!
Darling, have you really forgotten me? Love is like energy, it can never be destroyed! Did your love transform to hatred? Do you hate me? Do you hate me because I called to break-up? Darling, I don't care what you say.....I still love you and will always love you.
I always thought that the saying 'If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was' - is an absolute truth. I had set you free and you never came back! Darling, did you really forget me? Will you recognize me if I stand in front of you one day? Will you avoid me? Will you pretend as if you did not see me?
Darling, you were my first love. One cannot forget his first love. I did not forget you and I don't want to. I still remember those days of going to that small village to pass some time together. We had so much to talk! My wife keeps telling me that I am the most unromantic person of the world. Surprisingly, you never complained! We had many differences, yet we had so much in common that differences were never felt. Remember those moments of traveling by bus? What an electrifying moment that was! Do you miss those days, my darling? Do you miss our last travel in that small boat? Our last meeting in my place? Those were the golden days of my life and I miss those. They are not going to come back. So do you!
Darling, you have become a mother now. Remember, what you used to say about being a mother of our child? What you wanted our child to do? Is your child like that? Does he/she remain glued with you all the time? That's what you wanted, is not it? It is nice to see that you have moved on. Everything must be going as you wanted. Only change is - you are not with me! Are you happy, my dear? Do you still remember my face? Will we ever meet again?
My love, if you have read this blog....do you still hate me?
Darling, you are always there in my thoughts. I keep note of everything that is happening in your life. Now I am approaching 40. Probably, I am done with 2/3 of my life (may be more). Your presence in my life was short, yet this has changed my life entirely. Strange that whenever I am alone, I still think of you. I have learned to live like that. I painfully enjoy this pain. That is the way it was meant to be. I accept it.
When we die and go to Him, given a choice to choose, will you opt for me?
Suddenly this pressure, this nostalgia - became so heavy that I wanted to get it out. That is why I wrote this blog. I will be happy if you ever read it.
Brishti, my love, you are the most precious thing that I ever had and lost. My prayers are always with you.
Love you forever and ever!
This blog is for Mountaha Irfan of [9 WHITECROFT ROAD LUTON LU2 0JS]. If you happen to know her, please let her know about this blog. Thanks.
