Last weekend, my kitchen suddenly became overrun with flies. Not a few, not a lot, I'm talking a fucking SHIT LOAD. It seemed as if we had a dead body stashed under the sink because there were hundreds of flies just hatched out of nowhere.
Our kitchen sink was clean and had no dishes in it. Our dishwasher had been run the night before. The trash had been taken out the night before. And we're broke, so there wasn't an overabundance of food lying around on the counter or anywhere for that matter.
Where the hell did they come from? Beats me. But it was a real pain in the ass to try and get rid of them. They were swarming. And the rest of my day sucked ass too, which just made it even harder to deal with. But I finally got rid of them. It took a few days to eradicate them all, but I did it. And so far, so good.
But now we have today and my latest bug nightmare. This one is not an act of god though. This was an act of a feline troublemaker, along with an irresponsible child.
My daughter caught a frog about three weeks ago. She took it upon herself to put the frog into an old terrarium that we had in the garage and make a home for it. She wanted to keep it. And she had done such a good job preparing a home for him, and she was so proud and happy of what she had done, I didn't have to the heart to say no and tell her to get rid of it.
So I let her keep it. Outside. On the front porch. It doesn't bother me any because she takes care of it. She changes his water and feeds him and makes sure he's got enough leaves to hide in. The only thing I have to do is buy it food.
Frogs eat insects. So I actually have to purchase disgusting bugs and bring them to my house on purpose.
Which brings me to the box of live crickets that was apparently left sitting in the living room, instead of outside on the porch where it was supposed to be. I didn't know it was there. But our curious hunter of a cat realized it was there.
Oh boy. It was like a box of cat treats apparently. I was in my office doing some shit, and I hear the cat causing a big commotion in the other room. Knocking things over and running everywhere.
So I went out there to investigate and yell at her and stop her from ruining the house. That's when I noticed my living room rug was ALIVE. The box contains 30 live crickets and we'd just gotten it Friday. The frog ate two of them. And the rest of them were now hopping around my living room.
The cat had ripped the box to shreds and set all the crickets free. Beautiful! I couldn't have asked for a better surprise, except maybe locusts, heralding the apocalypse, which I'm certain is imminent any day now.
I did not know wtf to do about the crickets. For starters, I PAID for them, so it seemed a tragic waste of money to kill them. That's the frog's job. That's his food. But I couldn't exactly set loose a tiny tree frog in my living room and expect him to feast on 30 crickets at once.
Not to mention I did not want a frog hopping around either. The cat would have eaten that too.
Meanwhile, Minnie is having the best time of her life. She's pouncing on the crickets, batting at them, chomping a few down as an appetizer. She's just being a cat. That's what they do. But damn, was I pissed. Why can't she just stick to eating the bugs that accidentally walk into the house? Why did she have to rip open a fucking BOX of them and create our very own episode of Fear Factor right in my living room?!
I had no choice here. The crickets had to go. But they were freaking me out and making me want to scream like a little girl. In fact, my daughter doesn't even scream feeding the crickets to the frog, but I probably would. I do not like bugs. And unless my living room was filled with butterflies or something, I'm not going to be happy.
I chose to attack them with the vacuum cleaner. It was the only feasible weapon I had. I started sucking them up. And the damn cat was chasing the vacuum and trying to get the crickets before I did. She's not even scared of the vacuum like a normal cat.
But I got them all sucked up. At least the ones that were still visible. I have no doubts that there are some stragglers that hopped away to safety and are just waiting to crawl into my mouth as I sleep.
I feel like they're all over me, as it is. And I flung the vacuum cleaner bag into the yard, because I didn't want the crickets to crawl back out again in our broom closet.
It was a nightmare, I tell you! And the worst part is, I have to go buy more crickets.....
