Recently, an ex of my husband has starting lurking around my life. My husband and I have been together for 20 years. During our dating years, he cheated on me with a few different people. One of them, he traveled 1500 miles to see and be with for a few days. Of course this was a long time ago before we were married but it is the most devastating thing he had done (that I know about). After this incident he fessed up. We broke up for a while and then got back together and married. That was 17 years ago.
She had contacted him a few times over the years but she was in a controlling relationship in which she was not allowed to have friends. I found that to be lucky for me and for many years I never thought about her.
In September, a letter arrived in my mailbox from her to my husband. She had found my information online and tracked down where we lived. I was easier to find than my husband but she addressed the letter to him at my published address. The letter was short and said that she had four children, was going through a divorce and wanted to get to know each other again in a friendly manner. She included a phone number and asked to keep in contact. My husband called her and they caught up on things.
I spoke with my husband about this letter and he said she just wanted to be friends and that I have nothing to worry about. Of course, I closed down and suspected the worst as I always do. I have kept him under suspect and watched very carefully his dealings with her.
At one point we discussed in length about her return to our lives. I told him she has no business coming around and that I did not want her intruding into our lives. He didn't understand why I felt so harshly toward her and I reminded him of the past. I found her phone number registering on my phone bill but her number was erased from our phone history. I broke into his cell phone and found her number stored there, hacked into his email and found correspondance there and then found him corresponding with her on a social site. It sickens me! First because he hid it from me and forced me to check up on him and secondly because he was lying to me about his interaction with her.
Last weekend, I spoke with his mother and she told me he shared his phone conversations with her. She assured me that he loved me and wants nothing to do with a divorced woman with 4 kids but the history is there and, in my book, is always a possibility. The one thing that makes me most nauseated is that I found out that his mother thinks her first child (who is turning 18 soon) is my husbands child. The dates match up perfectly! He went to be with her in April (18 years ago) and the child will be 18 in January ( I believe).
He has not confirmed this but I haven't asked either. I know I have to find out but I just don't have the courage. I don't want this child to be his and I don't know what I will do if it is his. I can't stand this woman and if the child is his, I will not be able to accept it with an open attitude.
I can't stand anymore hell in my life anymore!
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Rockerchic posted on Nov 23, 2008
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Comments
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queenparanoia said on Nov 23, 2008....
first of all... i'm glad youre still blogging... and oh wow.. youre life is like a soap opera right now... but yours is reality and that sucks... i hope you guys work things out. youre a better person rockerchic. dont let them get you. -
Rockerchic said on Nov 23, 2008....
Thanks queen...
I refuse to be beaten down. My motto is "I always win".
And I do! But this time I wonder if the prize is worth it!
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queenparanoia said on Nov 23, 2008....
love is always worth it... even if you lose... best of luck to you!!! ;-) -
yani said on Nov 23, 2008....
wow! the past catching up? ugh!
I hope for, your sake, that it's nothing more than friendship that they communicate with each other still. You should ask him, I think. That's just my opinion, cos i'd really rather know the truth than be in the dark.
I hope things will work out well {{{{hugs}}}}
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Hegemone said on Nov 23, 2008....
Rocker, first, nice to meet you. Second, I'm so sorry this all is happening. I know somewhat how you feel about this sort of thing. My husband had an ex from hell. To this day she is a very tense issue, as pretty much all of our group (my husband included) would like nothing more than to slap the everliving shit out of her. So I have to admit I get a little paranoid when I hear that he's been around somebody that knows her, or is making friends with a mutual friend of hers, etc. I know I have nothing to worry about, but I still worry anyway, damn me. Further, there have been times I've been inclined to do a little sleuthing too ... and have not always liked what I found, but at least it's never been phone conversations with other women. Although we did argue about one particular number he wouldn't delete, or he would and a couple months later it would be back. I COMPLETELY understand the needing to know part, even if you aren't truly brave enough to ask. I find that I only ask questions about his past when I'm in the right mood, not after an argument or if I've had a bad day or something. I was worried that his ex had his child for a while when we were first dating, because the timeline was just that close. However, I found out, via seeing pictures from a friend, that the baby's father was somebody else, and that little girl looks JUST like her dad. I know though, that if it would've been my husband's, I would have been devastated and honestly I question whether I would've been able to be with him, as morally, that child didn't choose to be born, but at the same time, the history was just SO bad. So I wish you luck in all of this, I'm sure you'll find the courage when you have time, and whether you like the answer or not, I know you'll get through it, and we'll all be here to listen to it if you need to express yourself. -
RollingC said on Nov 23, 2008....
I'm sorry that this had to happen to you but please keep in mind that if the first child of that woman is his then he's going to get involved sooner or later. Trying to sneak around and finding out things is ok for awhile I guess but sooner or later you'll have to sit down and talk things out and explain how you feel.
I'm not you but try not to get in the way of true friendship. He'll respect and love you more for that.
Other than that I don't know what to tell you and I hope that things work out for the best for all of you.
Rc
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Rockerchic said on Nov 24, 2008....
Honestly, I don't want them to be friends. There is no reason for her to be around. PERIOD! I do not speak with exes and I certainly do not return phone calls or answer letters if I know it might create an issue...obviously something he chooses to ignore.
I've seen pictures of this child (it does look somewhat like my husband). The thing that irritates me the most is that I asked him many years ago if he thinks that there might be children of his that resulted in any of these flings. He said no but why would this woman continue to come around. It just infuriates me. Nothing good can come from exes hanging around!
This woman has loved my husband for many years, not just as a friend but in a romantic way. He says she just wants to be friends but I know better! I'm a woman. I know why they creep! I've tried in the past to step aside and let friendships happen and every time, I get burned. He ends up becoming extremely close to them and then I find out later on (and through friends when the shit hits the fan) that there was an alleged affair. Frankly, I'm sick of this bullshit. And, I rarely let my guard down, which is a big issue for him but he created this situation. Now he has to live it!
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Hegemone said on Nov 24, 2008....
Well Rocker, I think you're right then, if this sort of thing has happened before where you played nice and then suddenly got blind sided. Once burned, twice shy. I'd be extra leary too, and unless he's completely dense, he should understand your apprehension. He's made his bed, now he's got to lie in it. Again though, don't let it drag you down too much, you're much better than that. Do what you have to do though.
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