Now that I've let the cat out of the bag, and everyone knows Nat and I are having a baby, I figured I tell the story of how this came to be. No, I don't mean I'm going to tell you guys THAT part. Because you can just use your imagination for that. But this is more of a blog about how I had no idea this was going to happen, but I should have known. Because there were signs everywhere.
The two of us had been talking not that long ago about how it seemed all our friends were having babies, and I felt left out of the loop. I had my reasons for moping about it, and she agreed that it seemed like we were the only ones not doing it. But we both also agreed that we weren't really ready. We COULD be ready, but if we were going to make that choice, we wanted to wait longer. We both seemed to think that there were a lot more things we wanted to do before we had to really settle down and become grown ups.
Except I couldn't actually think of anything I wanted to do before I had kids. I felt like there should be something, because that's what everyone who wants to wait, says. But I didn't want to travel the world, because I'm afraid of flying. And I don't do anything special right now that requires me to be childless. But either way, I figured waiting was the way to go. Mostly because I was scared shitless. I guess I needed more time to quake in my boots at the thought of my life changing, rather than see the Eiffel Tower or something.
But I couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to happen anyway. I'm not psychic or anything, but I do feel things sometimes that I just know mean something. And I kept thinking that this was all inevitable, sooner rather than later.
And then there were the actual signs. Anyone remember the mysterious baby's breath appearing in my mouth? Yeah, I know it was there because my sugar had flowers in it. But that's still a sign! Because I was talking to someone about babies, and I had mentioned in the conversation that I felt like this was going to happen to us. And then suddenly there the flower was in my mouth. Maybe there was an explanation for why it was in my coffee, but not for why it chose to make itself known at THAT moment. I'd been drinking from that cup all morning long!
So it was a sign. It was telling me something.....
And then flash forward a few more days. Nat and I found a candle burning in our oven. We didn't put it there. We'd never even seen it before. It wasn't ours. Yet there it was in our oven, all burned up, as if someone/something put it in there to ensure we'd burn it unwittingly. Red candles have several meanings, but one of them is fertility.....
Another sign!
And the best part is, both of those things happened right around the time this baby was conceived. The universe was doing it's magic. And I might sound like a total lunatic, but I don't care. I really believe this stuff. And I really believe that this was all meant to be for reasons I don't know yet.
It wasn't something we tried for. Technically it shouldn't have happened. But it happened anyway. And it happened right at the moment I was ready to give up on life. So to me, that's a sign. That's magic. That's something bigger than me, reaching down and changing my life right at the moment I needed it most.
And you know what? I'm not scared anymore of this. Maybe I should be, because it's a HUGE step to take in life. And I have absolutely no idea what to expect or what to do. But I don't care. I'm not worried. Because I think these things just have a way of working out the way they're meant to. And mostly I'm just excited for everything that's next. There will be time to be scared later I'm sure. But right now, there's no fear. Just happiness. And disbelief that I was given this gift when I thought I couldn't possibly deserve it.
But someone up there thinks I do deserve it. And I'm going to keep believing that too.
evil_twin posted on Nov 21, 2008
| views: 415
Comments
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Lucytorial said on Nov 21, 2008....
You're going to make an awesome dad Evil.. totally awesome. This baby is going to be so loved up and full of joy because of your outlook on life. Tell Nat to make sure she takes it easy... -
evil_twin said on Nov 21, 2008....
Lucy--Thank you :-) I really hope I can be awesome at this because I'm so looking forward to it all. And I've been making sure Nat takes it easy, but she feels pretty good! No barfing even. She got lucky. -
Lucytorial said on Nov 21, 2008....
very lucky, maybe another sign it was meant to be.Fear for first time fathers can be huge Evil, that you aren't afraid means you will just tackle each new learning curve with the same vurve for life that you have thus far.Its amazing still, I hope you both enjoy these next few months of changes. -
wombat said on Nov 21, 2008....
Well, I hadn't thought of those things you mentioned until you wrote them here and refreshed my memory---and yes I do believe in the little signs along the way. I can't say I "know" you, you know? But from the sensitive, warm posts here that I have read all this time, I can't think of two people I am more happy for! If it wasn't already special enough, you also have these little roadsigns in life on your side. I'll be keeping a warm and fuzzy thought of well-wishes for you all. -
Mr_Box said on Nov 21, 2008....
I believe in the signs too. And I think you had some really interesting ones. Especially that whole candle thing. I still can't quite explain that one.But I know you're going to be great at this. You have everything it takes to be the best dad in the world. I have faith in you. And when you get to the scary parts, let me know. I'll talk you through it.....and I won't even tell you it gets scarier later ;-)But believe me, it's all worth it. -
the_infernal_optimist said on Nov 21, 2008....
What Jaxl said. ;-)
Someone up there thinks you deserve this, and I do too. :) If things were arranged such that this happened when it technically probably otherwise wouldn't have, then you must be pretty special, and so is that baby. :) You guys are blessed, and rightfully so!
I'm looking forward to having someone awesome to swap '09 baby stories with. :)
~Infernal
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evil_twin said on Nov 21, 2008....
Lucy--Thank you :-) So far all of our signs have been good ones! And even if things get hard, I think I can handle it. I'm ready to try anyway.
wombat--Thank you :-) You're really sweet and I'm glad I've made such a good impression on you. I definitely believe in the little signs because they make life seem so much more magical.
Mr. Box--Thank you :-) I hope I can be as good at this as you seem to think. I know it's gonna be scary at some point, but right now I'm just excited! But I'm glad that even the scary parts are all worth it.
Infernal--Thank you :-) I'm glad you think I deserve this. I definitely want to do my best to make sure I do it all as right as I can. I think the baby is special, because someone really wanted us to have it.
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diabolicdame said on Nov 22, 2008....
You're not a lunatic.. you're making perfect sense to me! I believe in signs too and I think the universe was really doing some magic for you.. and maybe you didn't know if you were ready to have a baby but the baby was ready to have you! They say we pick our parents and families.. I mean our souls.. or something like that.. and looks like you got picked!! The baby is special because it really wanted to have you. :-) -
queenparanoia said on Nov 22, 2008....
yup... you deserve it kyle... you really do... ;-)
congrats to both you and natalie!!!
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CreativeWoman said on Nov 22, 2008....
I believe in signs too. I don't think you're crazy. It's wonderful to see you so happy. Enjoy this special time of blessing. :-)
CW
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evil_twin said on Nov 22, 2008....
dia--I really like the idea that babies pick their parents. That's an interesting thought. I'm going to add that my list of cool things to remember during this. And maybe someday when my child is older and mouthing off to me, I can remind them, "you picked me so don't complain!" :-P
queen--Thank you :-) I'm glad you think I deserve it.
CW--I'm glad you don't think I'm crazy. I know I come up with some out there ideas, but it's what makes life so interesting. Thank you :-) It's wonderful to feel so happy.
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uniquely-ironic said on Nov 22, 2008....
I'd say this baby is coming at just the right time. Life has a way of handing us the things we need to grow and mature. While babies aren't things, they do help us become better people. You'll do fine, and being nervous about your parenting abilities is a good sign. It shows that you care about doing a good job. Don't forget to fall back on your family (Jack and your parents) when you need some advice or back up. Your parents have set a fine example of parenting.BTW do the future grandparents know yet? -
polarheart said on Nov 22, 2008....
Twinny & NatsI am so happy for your blessing. May all your hopes and dreams for this baby be realised.Love Polar -
evil_twin said on Nov 22, 2008....
uniquely--I think this baby showed up at the exact right time too. It's already changed me in ways, and it's only been a few weeks. I am lucky to have such a great family to help me out too :-) And no, my parents don't know yet. We're going to tell them on Thanksgiving! Nat's mom just found out last night though, but that's only because she's not going to be there for the holiday. I'll have to write about that, and I'll definitely let everyone know what my parents had to say!
polar--It's good to see you! I'm glad you stopped in to hear the news :-) And thank you.
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gingersoul said on Nov 22, 2008....
Kyle.......i call them coincidences...but they are indeed magical ways of feeling connected to the cosmic Oniness, isn't?
Kinda gives you a place in the world. Its a temporary feeling, we know this, but for the time being is a blissful feeling...
Nothing comes at the right time if not the time for doing what you feel is right at that moment...:-)
You and Nat walked together toward this moment and I believe you two will raise a good kid...we need these kind of children for the new world to come.....lol....
It so cool you are going to reveal the big news to your family for Thanksgiving....:-)
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husbandhater said on Nov 22, 2008....
Hey i meant to ask you how far along Nat is as that sono looked at least 3-4months along(formed). And here is my advice: You ready? Join all of the baby clubs in the next 1 or 2 months. Enfamil,Carnation,Similac etc.,. They will send her coupons and actual cans of formula,a pregnancy calendar etc.,. this will come in handy as Formula is expensive. Try powder as you can stretch it. The liquid is harder to stretch. Also Join the Pampers,huggys,and Luvs and they will send you coupons and samples. Buy by the case which is easier. Toys R Us brand is o.k. too and the cases come with cases of babywipes inside.RiteAid and Duane Reade(Don't know if you got those. You might have a Krogers or Walgreens) also have weekly sales on cases of Pampers or huggys but they usually don't come with wipes unless the company is hosting a special.Last but not least I wish you 2 nothing but the best and to enjoy everymoment of every day as they grow up faster than you think. What a beautiful Journey you are about to embark on. -
evil_twin said on Nov 23, 2008....
Ginger--Thank you :-) I hope we'll raise a good kid. And I think everything happened the way it was meant to. I think all those coincidences mean something too.
HH--Her doctors office signs us up for all those special offers. It's kind of cool because if you sign the papers for it, someone else does all the work for us! So we should be getting free stuff whenever it is they start sending it out. You can never have too much help! And she's not that far along yet. She's only 9 weeks. Thank you :-)
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Mamie said on Nov 23, 2008....
hey, this is so fun! Not only do I believe in these signs, I actually count on them and look for them, like directional signs.I have been receiving many clues too about where I may be moving after my house is sold...funny, because the areas that I am looking at now, are no where near my original locations! I feel sorta like a free spirit and the risk of just following the signs is not scary, its exciting!!Best of luck to you two again! Much love!! Mamie -
evil_twin said on Nov 23, 2008....
mamie--I love looking for the signs and seeing where they might lead. It makes life interesting :-) And thank you! -
husbandhater said on Nov 29, 2008....
Boy Kyle that kid is going to be a linebacker. I hope the baby isn't over 8lbs. He or she looks so big. So mature. I saw the little arm nubs. Well where's the Thanksgiving story you promised. I'm airmarking awaiting your version. -
evil_twin said on Nov 29, 2008....
HH--I hope the baby isn't over 8lbs either! They said that the sprout was right on target for it's age. She's 10 weeks now and according to our baby info they are about 2 inches long. I guess we just have a very well formed baby sprout! I just posted my Thanksgiving story :-) -
husbandhater said on Nov 29, 2008....
Well soon you'll be hearing a heartbeat in the next couple of weeks. I have a special box that holds a tape of my 1st childs heartbeat in utero. Also a lock of hair,1st sono picture(be careful the ink on it.),hat worn right after birth. Target sells the most beautiful boxes. But you could also find your own elsewhere. Just a thought Evil K. I'm an old sentimental fool so don't mind me. -
starchini said on Dec 04, 2008....
I totally know what your talking about! I feel like that same sort of signs happened to me. Remember that baby fever post? Yea, like 3 days before i found out i was pregnant i had this feeling like i wanted a baby and was trying to ignore it because i knew i wasnt ready. Then there was the time before that that Phil and i were givin a box of handme downs and there was a ton of toddler stuff in the box. Phil jokingly said "maybe we should keep it for later" and we both laughed and said "nah! haha" and handed the stuff on down the line. But man o man that candle in the stove thing is super duper freaky! Im so happy for u and nat! Its gonna be so much fun! -
evil_twin said on Dec 05, 2008....
HH--We're supposed to go back for another appointment when she's 14 weeks, to hear the heartbeat. That will be exciting! That's a good idea about the box too. And don't worry, I'm sentimental too!
star--I totally remember your baby fever post, and then right after, you announced you were pregnant! Sometimes I think that we're handed things when someone else thinks we're ready, and not when we think we are. I'm really happy for you and Phil too :-) Thank you!
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