Okay so I haven't had a decent post in days.
Maybe it's because I don't have anything to sag except nag about my oh so damn boring life these days.
I used to be the life of the party, the girl everyone calls on a Friday night, the one who carried the drunk ones home and the one who tells them how stupid they looked the night before.
I was happy and free and had a lot of friends but lately I don't leave the house and I never see my friends.
I miss them so much.
I don't see anyone accept my parents and my fiancé.
I feel trapped and sad and lonely.
I'm trying to figure out how to make a noose and the day that I do I will use it.
I'm sick of feeling this way.
I'm sick of this life, the struggle and the fights with others but mostly the fights I have with myself.
The decisions that used to be the easiest to make are now questions on questions on questions and I hate it.
I feel insecure and ugly and fat!
I weigh 50kgs and I think I'm fat!
What's wrong with me?
I don't want to go anywhere cos everywhere I go there are girls with the perfect faces and the perfect bodies and everything a girl could wish for and then I want to puke!
I want to eat but I don't cos I have to lose weight I used to weigh only 45kgs.
I exercised and had a great body but now my fiancé never takes me dancing and I'm not allowed to do athletics cos I'll build muscle and he hates it, I used to be proud of my body and the sixpack I still have but now I need to hide it or wear long tops so he doesn't see it and make nasty comments about me being built like a dude.
I feel like a monster, every time I look in the mirror I see a monster, an animal but not the girl I used to see.
I'm tired and hungry for the excitement that once was my life.
I need out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT TO DIE!
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mischavalentine posted on Nov 19, 2008
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Comments
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barberzhao said on Nov 19, 2008....
Get rid of the dude and get a life, until you are shot of him your self esteem will be crap! It's your God given right to do and be the things you want. This Burk is suffocating you and you don't know it. Do what makes you happy it's your life and you only get one shot at it, so start changing it NOW! Be the you you use to be not some Burks Zombie. He cant be that great to see you this unhappy. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him! Get real girl and start to live. -
mischavalentine said on Nov 20, 2008....
I think I should show him this blog maybe for once in his life he will wake up and see himself for the nasty tyrant that he is.
I love him and I know he loves me thats what makes it so hard to leave him but I know I will go crazy and maybe snap in a very very bad way if I don't take the step and leave.
I'll have to leave this country if I leave him cos everyone will crucify me.
I'm scared. -
barberzhao said on Nov 20, 2008....
If they think so highly of him ,it doesn't say much about what they think of you. There's no need to leave any where, It's your life and If they want to see you happy then they should understand that.
You are entitled to be the person you are, without restraints!
They are being what they are ! Are you kicking up about the way they lead their lives? Start being the person you want to be and if they don't like it tell them to go and suck an egg. If you let people walk all over you, they won't stop! So nip it in the bud now and get back your self esteem, so don't take S--t from any one. Have a happy life, think of it this way , What crime have you committed that you must spend the rest of your life being unhappy and shackled to him? Have a good life sweety. -
fragglesrock said on Nov 20, 2008....
damn girl!!!! if i had a hard tummy you wouldn't be able to KEEP my clothes on me! everyone would be like "fraggles put your clothes back on we've ALL seen it before" ;) you sound like a great gal, why don't you fashion that noose and hand it over to the fiance as you skip outta the house to go dancing while wearing a sexy little six pack showing shirt ????? -
mischavalentine said on Nov 20, 2008....
Fraggles and barber thankyou so much for your kind words, I am going to have that little "talk" with him tonight.
THIS HAS TO STOP!
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